The Heelers Diaries

the fantasy world of ireland's greatest living poet

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Location: Kilcullen (Phone 087 7790766), County Kildare, Ireland

Saturday, December 10, 2005

Dances With Wolves

Something on the news tonight about a jockey up in court for pinching air hostesses bottoms on a flight from London. This story cheered me up more than I care to admit.
The chap must have been one hell of an optimist.
Air hostesses are the most unattainable women in the western world.
And here he was going after more than one at a time with a strategy that surely throughout human history cannot have produced many positive results.
It was a grope and run.
Never known to work.
Not even at a race meeting.
Okay, okay.
Maybe in Russia. Yes maybe in the remoter ice bound regions of Russia and possibly parts of Outer Mongolia too, latching on to a buttock is still regarded as the heights of gallantry.
But everywhere else...
Yer man must have been congenitally insane.
I'm telling you even at the best of times air hostesses don't want to know.
The ones on Irish airlines are all suffering from Flying Hatchet Syndrome anyway. And the good looking ones on British Midland are all dating the pilots.
As far as passengers go, they've got a through put of 500 a day. So it's going to be hard for any of us to stand out. Whether it's a stylish quiff, a witty one liner or a bum clutch, they've seen it, heard it and felt it all before.
It is true that air hostesses may occasionally look nice, but this should not be interpreted as connoting availability in any shape or form.
Better to sit back and enjoy the flight.
Ye cannae change the laws of physics laddies.
'Nuff said.