The Heelers Diaries

the fantasy world of ireland's greatest living poet

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Location: Kilcullen (Phone 087 7790766), County Kildare, Ireland

Thursday, May 24, 2018

a modest proposal

(for the reform of Ireland's taxation authorities styled the Revenue Commissioners)

Answer your ******* phones.

Saturday, May 19, 2018

the bookshop on the edge of forever

Wandered into a quirky little bookshop on Main Street.
The proprietress proffered me a leaflet.
"Where do you stand on this issue?" she smiled with a hint of challenge.
Her leaflet was headed The Martyrdom Of Gaza or some such.  It advertised a forthcoming book release. (The book is actually called Gaza, An Inquest Into Its Martyrdom by Norman G Finkelstein - Ed note)
Without looking up I answered her question.
"The Jews are the holy people. They were chosen by God to make himself known to the human race. They're in the holy land because God wants them there. Don't fight them lest you find yourself fighting God. That's where I stand. Left, right and centre."
The proprietress seemed a bit taken aback.
"They've done some bad things."
"It's a tough neighbourhood."
"Colonel Des Travers says..."
"Oh not him. He's awful. I mean he's a gentleman and he went easy on me the last time I libelled him over his commentary on the Middle East. But he's awful. Reliably wrong about everything. Why do you  even quote him to me? Why don't you just shoot me? Or start quoting Robert Fisk? At least I'd die of boredom quicker."
"He's very respected."
"Not by me he's not."
"But he knows the region and he's often asked to..."
"There's nobody asks Des Travers to do anything except the Rent-A-Mussie crowd, Amnesty International, the Irish Times and their ilk. Do you seriously think any of them go to him because of his impartiality and fairness towards the State of Israel?"
"Hey I used to be in Amnesty International."
"You left em. Attagirl! That's the spirit."
"But James, Des Travers is an expert on the Middle East and he cares."
"You think."
"Well if all this violence is not the Israelis' fault, who do you think is to blame?"
"My dear, sweet, innocent child, haven't you noticed that the one constant in Middle Eastern politics is that Des Travers keeps visiting the place! I think it's him. He's the cause. Things haven't exactly gotten better have they, in the four decades since he started swanning around the battle zones? And have you noticed that whenever the Supreme Leader of the Islamic Republic of Iran, Ayatollah Sayyid Ali Hosseini Khameini is on television calling for the complete destruction of Israel, Des Travers is nowhere to be found? It's like Superman and Clark Kent. You never see them together. Because they're the same person. You know the Wailing Wall was called the Singing Wall before Des Travers visited it. But I digress. All this time we thought it was an Arab Israeli conflict. But no. It's bloody Travers. And today I'm calling for a complete withdrawal of Des Travers from the occupied territories."
"So you admit they're occupied."
"By Des Travers. Yes."

Tuesday, May 15, 2018

the effect of inane profanity on man in the moon feldwebels

Driving down Main Street.
Two hare baithers putting up abortion posters near my avenue.
I am not best pleased.
I wind down the car window.
My intent is to roar something pithy, principled and with an engagingly insightful intellectual spin.
"**** off you abortionist *****," seems about right.
But a thought comes.
This is a remedy that is forbidden to me.
I drive on snowberly.
I am reflecting that the abortionist posters are actually a good deal more appealing than the sanctity of life ones put up by the goodies.
Lots of nice greens, blues and yellows in them.
The Nazis always have the best paraphenalia.
As I pass the Town Hall, I see a temporary sign beckoning people to enter.
The sign proclaims: "Together For Yes, coffee morning, all welcome."
All welcome?
Presumably not unborn babies though.
You've got to abort those at the door.
I wind down my window again.
The door of the Town Hall is wide open and assembled Nazis can be seen quaffing beverages in pomp and splendour.
I am ready to roar:
"**** off you Nazi *****, you should have been abortions."
Again I feel the faintest intimation.
This too is forbidden to me.
I betake myself to the Tearman cafe.
Well, well, well.
Since the eph word and the cee word and me have just permanently parted company, I'm starting to feel quite mellow.
There are Jihadis, corrupt cops, and do nothing permanently on strike educationalists who wouldn't recognise me right this moment.
I sit down and open a copy of the Bridge magazine.
Monty Baines' daughter Drusilla is waxing poetical on page three about great abortions she has known and what a triumph for humanity they were.
I fling the Bridge across the cafe.
"You stupid ******* Nazi ****," I scream. "This is what happens when a ******* ****** names his ******* daughter after a ******* poodle."

Thursday, May 10, 2018

from the heelers emails

The near death experience of Mary Neal is one of several I have commended to public attention. The others were those of Ali Perez, Don Piper, Mickey Robinson and Ian McCormack. I sent Doctor Neal the following email recently.

---------- Forwarded message ----------

Date: Sun, Apr 15, 2018 at 4:31 AM
Subject: from Ireland

Morning Dr Neal.

Have enjoyed your personal testimonies via internet for some years. Got the book too. Found your email address and invitation to write just recently. So here we are.
Some considerations.
1. Did you and your husband fake the incident? The return flight from Chile with those injuries and the decision to treat in your own practice beg this question.
2. I've read criticisms of your testimony arising from your feeling that
you had already and always known those you met after death. For some of
your readers this raised the issue of pre-existence and they considered it
a clash with Christian tradition. I did not immediately think there was a
clash. God has told us in scripture that he always knew us. Before all
ages, before he made us in our mothers' wombs, he knew us. So if we have
always been known to God, if we have always existed in the mind of God, it
doesn't necessarily cause me a problem that you say you were somehow aware that you had always known those who greeted you after death.
3. I have concluded that not all near death experience claimants are lying. I concluded this simply with reference to an aunt of mine who claimed to have had certain experiences and who I accepted wasn't lying.
4. You said in an interview: "All the promises of God are true." I have used your words in a poem.

I would not object if you wrote to me!
James Healy

Monday, May 07, 2018

star bores 22 the farce awakens

Luke Thighstalker is flying an X wing fighter craft along a narrow trench on the surface of an artificial satellite which he hopes to destroy shortly. He is beset by nearby detonations from laser gun positions. How laser beams can detonate or cause detonations without hitting something is not quite clear.

Luke: (Squinting into targeting device.) "Steady, steady."

Ben Kenobi: (A disembodied voice) "Trust in the Force, Luke."

Luke: "Ben is that you?"

Ben: "Who did you think it was? Western Union?"

Luke: "I thought it might have been Mormons. Cold calling."

Ben: "That sounds reasonable."

Luke: "Why did you just tell me to trust in the Farts?"

Ben: "Oh come on. Does that seem even remotely possible?"

Luke: "The Farce?"

Ben: "Closer. And a bit too close to the bone, frankly."

Luke: "Actually Ben, this isn't a good time. I'm kind of in the middle of something."

Ben: "Er, that's why I'm here. Or not here. But manifesting. If you know what I mean."

Luke: "Make it quick."

Ben: "Well a group of us in the after life were watching this thing by remote viewing. Don't ask. It's available on Murdock's Sky network somewhere between what he calls Reality TV and porn movies. You would not believe how often they repeat this film."

Luke: "Ben."

Ben: "Yes Luke."

Luke: "What's the afterlife like?"

Ben: "Well a lot of your family are there. There's your father Darth Vader. Your sister Princess Leia.

Luke: "Whooaaa. What?"

Ben: "Your Uncle, Reggie. He was the storm trooper that Han Solo and the Wookie shot half an hour ago. Oh and Red Leader who just got blown up earlier in the strafing run. He was your second cousin once removed. And there's a cat in heaven that's related to your cat Tiddles by morganactic union."

Luke: "Darth Vader's my father? Leah's my sister? Cousin Reggie was a storm trooper? Red Leader was my second cousin one removed? My cat's medieval royalty? And this is how you tell me? And Leah's not even dead. What's she doing in the afterlife?"

Ben: "And that dinosaur thing in The Empire Strikes Back. He's a pen friend of your dog Rover."

Luke: "I suppose these are kind of plot twists."

Ben: "Half of heaven is related to you. You'll feel right at home if this goes wrong and you get hit by one of those amazing self detonating laser beams that George Lucas seems to have invented."

R2D2: "You're nearing the target, you Dip."

Luke: "I'm nearing the target."

Ben: "Okay. Here's what I came to tell you. In the afterlife, we all thought it would be a hoot if you switched off your targeting computer and, you know, like trusted in the Farts. I mean Force."

Puke: "I'm not even sure I believe in the Farce. I mean Force. Ben, what if we're just the purposeless creatures of our jeans?"

Ben: "This is no time to go all Richard Dawkins on me. Now switch off your computer and fire that missile."

Luke: "Well, I missed. What now?"

Ben: "Er, gotta go. But the Forks will be with you always. Hold them in your left hand when eating in company. And I'm leaving you a few Watch Tower magazines in the back seat. It really is time you gave Mormonism a whirl."

Friday, May 04, 2018

do deoxyribonucleic molecules dream of subatomic richard dawkinses

No, they don't.

Saturday, April 28, 2018

does richard dawkins dream of electric trousers

The atheistic biologist Richard Dawkins is claiming that human beings are the purposeless creations of their jeans.
Could this mean that I disagree with Richard Dawkins because my jeans are telling me to?
I think I feel a Levis ad coming on.
Perhaps we'll film it to raise money for charity.
How about a long reveal in black and white of exquisite American wilderness.
Two Mormon women, bubbling with not very repressed sensuality make their way through prairie grass to a secluded stream.
If these two are anything to go by, the Mormons are going to have to try harder.
I mean Whoarghhhh.
From among a few sparse trees, the girls spy on Richard Dawkins who is bathing while wearing his jeans which he wishes to shrink to fit according to a manufacturer's blurb and the jeans' own desire to hug him more closely.
A rather epic soundtrack from a music combo styling themselves Stiltskin kicks in.
It goes:

"Ring low on the turning fire
Pern in a gyre
Fat man starts to fall
Here in the waters placid
Deoxyribonucleic acid
Starts to call
And if you think that I've been losing my way
I have no idea what that means
Because I can't think for myself
I'm a purposeless creature of my jeans
Ner ner ner ner ner ner ner
Nerdle ner nerdle nerdle ner
Thungle thungle thungle thung thung thung
Ner ner ner ner ner
Keep it all inside
If you believe it
You keep it all inside
Oh oh
Ner ner ner ner ner ner"

The guitar orchestrations are marvellous even though the lyric's a bit forced.
I quite like this song.
(Genes ya bollix - Richard Dawkins note.)