The Heelers Diaries

the fantasy world of ireland's greatest living poet

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Location: Kilcullen (Phone 087 7790766), County Kildare, Ireland

Wednesday, December 13, 2017

waiting for a hurricane

Standing on the doorstep of the post office in Kilcullen.
I am there to collect what is fondly referred to in the Republic of Ireland as Jobseekers Allowance.
The building is shuttered.
For a moment my senses reel.
What on earth is going on?
Realisation dawns.
I look around.
Those exaggerated weather reports on RTE last night have led to the whole town being shuttered.
Probably the whole country too.
I had walked up the street without noticing.
Hunger will do that to a man.
Briefly I wring my hands.
"The ****'s don't want to work," I cry aloud. "The ****ing trade unionised Paddy Whacks are having another day off. Hurricane ****ing Ophelia my ****ing ****. It's any excuse. Oh there's a purely fictional hurricane coming. Down tools. Shut up shop. We the wooooorkers refuse to work in case the ****ing wind might blow at us. The unemployed can go ****ing starve. You useless ****ing *******'s."
 Not a soul stirs on the street except for the broadcaster Brian Byrne who is mooching around with a camera looking for hurricane out takes.
"The Met Office should issue a warning about him," I mutter darkly.
The ghost of Chris De Burgh appears beside me.
He starts to sing a parody of one of his catchier hits.
He sings:

"Standing on the street in Kilcullen town.
Wondering where the hell everybody has gone
There's a hurricane coming
And everyone's trying to get awa-a-a-a-a-y
Time of the month
Time of the year
Weather report from RTE is clear
Find a safe place to hide
There's no place here
Then the lights go down
On that South Kildare town
And the drug dealing skangers
Who drive around in Audi bangers
Are all high up and dry
Yeah yeah yeah
Suddenly there's a movement to the pharmacy
But nobody's getting any Lemsip today
The staff have all gone away
And they've closed down the border li-i-i-ne
Because there's nowhere you can hide
Waiting for a hurricane
Oh there's nowhere you can hide
Waiting for a hurricane
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Nerdle nerdle ner ner ner ner"

I quite like this song
A few Muslims would have crowned it.

Monday, December 11, 2017

road test

A few dulcet winters ago, the Irish Meteorological Service apparently decided to affiliate with a secret society of ultra left extremists in America called the Weather Underground, and came up with a new explanation for Ireland's perennial rain showers.
"It must be climate change," said Weather Girl Mollie Fembo. "This rain is worse than the rain we've been having for five thousand years. If we extrapolate lower rainfall for the years in which no statistics were taken, and if we selectively alter readings from the nineteenth century when figures were actually being taken but which don't aid our case, why then we can prove higher rainfall now. The science is established. I just feel it you know."
(You're a moose Mollie.)
That same week my brother Doctor Barn promptly drove his top of the range BMW himmlerwagen 9000 into a puddle on the Curragh road.
The car died.
I am firmly convinced the BMW conked out permanently for psychological reasons.
All the talk about climate change finally got to it.
For a few days I became a chauffeur driving the brother around.
I got to see how modern medicine works, watched him doing his Trapper John MD routine, hitting people on the chest, shouting "live, live," being paid for it, telling the peasantry I was his clerk, introducing me as James Hargreaves, and all that.
Nothing I wasn't used to.
Then one night we were driving down the Curragh road.
The deepest puddle in Irish history loomed ahead.
Too late I realised it was the BMW killer.
And I was going too fast.
"Sorry Barn," I said as we hit the water.
The car surfed it like a pro.
We drove on in moderate disbelief.
The moral of this road test:
Give the glory to God but a 1996 Nissan Almeira outperforms a new BMW every time.

today they said

Archbishop Diarmuid Martin: "People who go to Mass are a dying breed."

James Healy: "Funny. I thought left wing Soviet era infiltrators of the Catholic Church in cahoots with the drug dealing, people trafficking, child abusing, devil worshipping IRA mafia and its associated secret brotherhoods of evil, were a dying breed."

Saturday, December 09, 2017

the crunch question

Question: Why did the airline Ryanair suddenly have a crisis in October necessitating the cancellation of multiple flights due to pilot rostering difficulties?

Answer: The shortage of pilots at Ryanair was orchestrated by the trade union movement in a smash and grab on the world's most successful airline. Similar problems at a company styled American Airlines in November had similar causes. The pilots' strategy is to hit the airlines with artificially induced rostering problems of this sort rather than to take outright strike action which would put them at risk of losing their jobs. (cf: The Irish police force.)

Friday, December 08, 2017

the ho hum column

Following his advocacy re changing the wording of the Our Father prayer, I no longer recognise Jorge Bergoglio as Pope of the Catholic Church and would counsel Bishops, priests, nuns, Christians and people of good will to withdraw their consent from him.
On a lighter note, I do recognise Jerusalem as the eternal capital of the Jewish people and the land of Israel as their home.

me and you and a muslim named boo

Flicking through the channels on the sexevision.
I alight on the paradoxically sexless CNN.
A spokesman from an Iranian proxy terror army styled Hamas is commenting on President Trump's decision to locate an American embassy in Jerusalem.
The Hamas spokesman Abu Binder Seendat through gritted teeth enunciates: "He has opened the gates of hell."
Somewhat ruefully I reply: "What, again?"
Talking back to the TV.
The first sign of wisdom.
But isn't it rum.
Muslim Jihadis don't just themselves refuse to recognise Jeruslam as Israel's capital.
They presume to threaten the rest of us with destruction, conflagration, mayhem, torture, sabotage and death if we dare to make up our own minds on the matter.
I flick the channel.
The BBC is earnestly suggesting that the current wave of forest fires across California has been caused by climate change.
I suppose when they're not colluding with corrupt British police officers to frame Cliff Richard for child abuse, the BBC likes nothing better than propagating fiction about the weather.
Here is the news.
The Muslim Brotherhood and its Al Qaeda and Isis franchises have been using forest fires as a weapon of war in Europe, Australia and America for more than a decade now.
There's no excuse for not being aware of this or for down playing it.
The Jihadis have initiated and accelerated forest fire war for ten years without any attention whatsoever being turned on their strategy by the BBC, CNN or any other left wing media organisation.
I flick the channel again.
Now it's Ireland's national broadcaster RTE, an atheistic, abortionist, Bolshevick anus of a channel (no disrespect to any anuses who may be reading this) financed through compulsory taxation on the gulpens of Ireland who by law are not allowed to set up a television station to compete with it.
(Gulpens? Citizenry surely - Ed note)
RTE's news programme is giving a pattycake report on a security forces rehearsal this week in Dublin for Muslim terror attacks.
Ah yes.
Rehearsing for what we'll do after they kill us.
The daintiness of the reportage is striking.
The RTE reporters are positively tiptoeing through the tulips.
(Tiptoeing through the Jihadis - Ringo Starr note)
Tiptoeing in the sense that while reporting yesterday's Irish army preparations for a Jihad attack on Ireland, RTE somehow are not mentioning Jihad, Muslims, Islam, the Prophet Muhammed, the Quran, Al Qaeda, the Muslim Brotherhood, Isis, mass Muslim immigration into the West, or indeed anything, anything at all, germaine to the issue which might even mildly offend the Muslim Jihadis of Al Qaeda, the Muslim Brotherhood, Isis et al, (particularly Al, he's the worst of them) who intent on Jihad slaughter are flooding into Ireland and who inspired by the Quran and the Prophet Muhammed are preparing even now to attack and kill as many of us as they possibly can in any way they possibly can, whether by head hacking, truck ramming, night club shooting, concert bombing, stabbing, poisoning, or indeed anything and everything they've been doing everywhere else for fourteen hundred ****ing years.
RTE can't even mention Jihad in a report on an Irish army pre-emptive training exercise to prepare for what we all know is coming next.
Oh baby.
And we're actually rehearsing now for what we know the Jihadis are going to do to us.
Our indolent soldiery are being drilled on looking tough and purposeful amid the corpses and burning buildings AFTER the thing has happened.
I suppose it's a form of security.
The army manoeuvres which RTE failed to effectively describe or analyse or even question a bit, actually involved the deployment of 500 soldiers on the streets of our capital in a what-if exercise built around a scenario where Jihadis kill eight people in a city centre attack while Irish intelligence suggests more attacks are imminent.
Not the least unreal aspect of this scenario is that Ireland doesn't have any substantial functioning intelligence service.
When the Irish police want to know what Jihadis and Muslim gangs are getting up to here, they read my old articles about the Black Jackets.
That's all they've got.
But here's a thought.
If we're deploying our army on the streets of our cities because we expect a Muslim Jihad attack, why not simply arrest and expel the Jihadis before they attack us?
I mean all of them.
Ho hum.
Probably more fun for the soldiers this way.
Getting paid to pretend to do something about the Jihad threat.
It sure beats fighting real Jihadis.
Safer too.
At least until the Jihadis step out of the shadows for real.
And you know folks, when the real attacks come, I fully expect RTE, the BBC and those sexless heroes of CNN, to attribute them to climate change.
I flick the channel in search of something lighter.
Like a pilgrim coming home, I arrive at MTV.
A group called Electric Six are hamming it up with a new version of one of their old hits.
It's objectionable but kind of good.
The bloke from Electric Six has grown a beard and is wearing Middle Eastern robes in order to make some point or other.
Seen from the right angle he looks a bit like the Ayatollah Khomeini.
He sings in that uniquely maniacal style of his:

"Jihadis in the disco
Jihadis in the disco
Jihadis in the Taco Bell
Jihadis in the disco
Jihadis in the disco
Jihadis in the gates of hell
Gates of hell
Nerdle ner ner ner ner
Fire in California
Fire in Portugal
Fire among the infidels
Fire in Australia
Fire in India
That's what we mean by
Gates of Hell
Nerdle ner ner
Dontchya wanna know why we keep starting fires
It's in our Qurans
You stupid morons
It's in our Qurans
Dontchya wanna know why we keep starting fires
It's in our Qurans
You stupid morons
It's in our Qurans
Nerdle ner ner ner ner ner
Danger, danger
High Muslims
When we hack
When we slash
When we kill
Danger, danger
High Muslims
When we murder
When we crash
For the thrill
Ner ner ner ner ner 
Dontchya wanna know why we keep derailing trains
Cos we're insane
Cos we're insane
Dontchya wanna know why we keep derailing trains
Cos we're insane
Cos we're insane
Nerdle ner ner
Danger, danger
High Jihad
When we slaughter
When we torture
Danger, danger
High Jihad
When we butcher
When we murder
Ner nerdle ner
Train derailments across India
Train derailments across Russia
Train derailments in South America
Train derailment in Lac Megantic Quebec
Nerdle ner
Train derailments in New York
Train derailments in Boston
Train derailments in Sant Iago De Compostela in Spain
And all across Russia
Ever more train wrecks
Nerdle ner ner ner ner
Nerdle ner nerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
Dontchya wanna know why we keep beheading people
They're not people
They're just sheeple
Dontchya wanna know why we keep beheading people
They're not people
They're just sheeple
Nerdle ner ner
Nerdle ner ner ner
Beheadings in London
Beheadings in Paris
Beheadings in the Philippines
Beheadings are really swell
Beheadings in Syria
Beheadings in Iraq
Beheadings across Africa
Beheadings in your town as well
Nerdle ner ner
Dontchya wanna know why we keep ramming cars and trucks into human beings
Cos we're obscene
Yes we're obscene
Dontchya wanna know why we keep ramming cars and trucks into human beings
Cos we're obscene
Yes we're obscene
Truck ramming in Barcelona
Truck ramming in New York
Truck ramming on London Bridge
Truck ramming in France
Truck ramming in Canada
Truck ramming in my fridge
Nerdle ner ner
Truck ramming in Jerusalem
Truck ramming in Glasgow
Truck rammings in Tel Aviv
It's not a sin
Truck rammings in Finsbury Park
Truck rammings in Nice, Nantes, Lyons and Dijon
Truck rammings in old Berlin
Danger, danger
High Muslims
When we head hack
When we torture
When we kill
Danger, danger
High voltage
When we slaughter
When we murder
For our Jihad thrill
Oh come on

Like all Electric Six videos I think it goes too far. I've long concerned about the mental and spiritual health of the lead singer. I'd say he's not a well man.
But the song is finely wrought, fabulously studio engineered, strikingly performed, and it does have a message.


Footnote: I wonder did the Glasgow reference mean the attack on Glasgow airport in 2007 which Al Qaeda claimed; or could it have meant a possible proxy attack in Glasgow via a Range Rover driven by William Payne which ran down two girls in 2010; or perhaps it was an oblique teaser reference to the mysterious helicopter crash in Glasgow in 2013 where a helicopter hit a pub and killed ten people; or might it not have been a reference to an out of control bin lorry with driver Harry Clarke behind the wheel which killed six people in Glasgow in 2014. Lots of things going bump in the night in Glasgow.

Thursday, December 07, 2017

the empires of the future will be empires of the mind

Dublin in the rain.
A conga line of oriental monks winds past me beating drums and tambourines and chanting something about Prince Harry.
The last monk in the line abruptly breaks away and turns to face me.
Like the others he is wearing a robe of matted hemp with the colour orange predominating.
He is bald as a coot.
There appears to be yellow paint on parts of  his face.
He eyes me speculatively.
"Hello Mr Healy," he says.
He says it a bit like the baddie in the objectionably violent Matrix film introducing himself to Keanu Reeves for the first time and intoning every syllable of "Hello Mister Anderson," (Mr Anderson being Keanu's character) with an odd admixture of civility, relish, cruelty and threat.
Sinister undertones.
It's a greeting but it's not that nice.
And I don't know this guy from Buddha.
I goggle.
The monk correctly understands my bewilderment and moves to explain how he knows my name.
"We've pioneered new mind reading techniques," he says. "Krishna consciousness enables us to know who you are on sight."
I goggle again.
"Okay actually I'm Bill Baines," he continues. "I used to live across the road from you in Kilcullen. I worked for your Uncle in the saddlery."

Wednesday, December 06, 2017

a modest proposal

(for reform of Ireland's social welfare system)

1. Remove the adversarial qualities of the system.

2. Reduce unemployment benefits generally, paying say 50 Euro a week up to the age of twenty five, 100 Euro a week up to the age of thirty five, and an upper rate of 190 Euro per week only over the age of forty five.

3. Redefine unemployment benefits as entitlements, the notion being that if you are unemployed in Ireland you get this amount and it cannot be taken from you. If this measure wouldn't break the economy it should be done, as the behaviour of trade unionised employees at the Department of Social Welfare towards the general public is killing people now. I am suggesting that reductions in the amount of benefit being paid will be acceptable to unemployed people if the capacity of Social Welfare staff to intimidate, to hector and to arbitrarily remove benefits is ended.

4. Redefining benefits as entitlements will further save money by reducing the mental health issues that are induced when people feel overwhelmed by the way they are being treated in Social Welfare Offices. I am postulating that the suicide rate will also fall. The social gain from removing the recurrent and constant frivolous confrontations of the present adversarial system will be immense.

5. Redefining benefits as entitlements will end the dysfunct currently built into the system whereby a large number of people have themselves falsely designated as unfit for work in order to obtain a disability pension in place of the entitlements they are otherwise having difficulty accessing.

6. The signs in Social Welfare Offices which warn the public: "If you are rude to our staff you may be arrested," should be removed as the proponderance of rudeness issues arise when Social Welfare staff are rude, wrongly advise, intimidate, or otherwise exceed their authority in dealing with the public.

7. Clarify to all Social Welfare Staff the reason why their department has been renamed the Department of Social Protection, to wit, that their duty is to protect the people who come to them seeking to access their entitlements.

8. End the IRA mafia's control of trade unions in Ireland.

9. Provide an advocate to sit in at meetings for any citizen who has dealings with the Social Welfare Office and who feels his rights are not being protected.

10. Insist on the right of citizens to written notification in advance of any changes to their receipt of entitlements with a clear right of appeal in all circumstances.

11. Consider the possibility of introducing an entitlement for any citizen who wishes to register for it, to have at least one job offer a year, generated internally by the system, and which may be accepted or refused without prejudice at the discretion of the citizen. The State would generate these job offers across all sectors, forestry, the police, the army, the civil service, transport, education, television, media. Again this should be done if it wouldn't break the economy. The positions would be entry level positions on reduced wages, explicitly for anyone who really wants to work. Difficulties will be presented by the trade union movement which will regard such a policy as an attentat upon trade union power. Nonetheless I think we should look at this as a way to directly address the unemployment situation.

12. The aim of these proposals is to end the incivility towards the citizen implicit in the present administration of social welfare systems in Ireland. An additional aim is to end the cultural intellectual log jam which has led to the prevalence of the notion that structural, ie permanent, unemployment (officially running above ten percent in Europe with real figures much higher) is inevitable. It is inevitable only until we find a way to deal with it. The thinking that we can and should provide the option of a job for everyone is a first step to providing a job for everyone.

Tuesday, December 05, 2017

retro film review

Braveheart. Directed by Mel Gibson. Written by Somebody Wallace. Starring Some Quite Likeable Actors, Some Irish Actors, A Good Looking French Actress Or Two, A Very Appealing Girl As Muireann, as well as Mr Gibson himself.

Braveheart came out twenty years ago but bears repeated viewing.
The violence is a bit too entertaining for moral comfort and I always felt this was a movie that would engender violence through the socialisation of its audiences.
It also seems to have driven a segment of the Scottish population absolutely spdoodlums with its romanticisation of separatism.
The enjoyable bits are when Mel Gibson in the role of Braveheart keeps winning battles against superior English armies by using clever tricks at vital moments.
The English would be about to win, and Gibson would distract them by saying: "Look, there's a cricket match over there," or "I say there's Maggie Thatcher," whereupon the English would lose their concentration and the tide would turn.
Clearly the English armies were superior only in the sense of being snobs with faux upper class accents. According to the Mel Gibson version of history they couldn't fight their way out of wet paper baggies.
Some of the tricks Mel's character plays were later used by the Spartans in a 1950's sword and sandals epic about prehistoric Greek resistance to Persian invaders in the Pass of Thermopolae.
It was certainly plagiaristic and indeed anachronistic of the Italian film makers in 1958 to copy verbatim plot twists from Mel Gibson's Braveheart of 1995.
Aside from the dubious ambiguity one experiences when being thoroughly entertained by such casual incitements to violence, Braveheart may be cited for another failing.
Throughout the film Mel's character keeps trusting the character of Robert the Bruce who as per certain normative traditions in this sort of film making, keeps betraying him.
It gets really annoying.
(cf the Amityville Horror and comedian Eddie Murphy's assessment of generically annoying horror movies where white guys refuse to leave the house even when the house itself says in a really scary voice GET OUT. If a house say to you GET OUT, Eddie counsels, get the **** out.)
Every time Mel goes to be ambushed yet again by the Bruce or the Bruce's treacherous upper class accented but not really superior in any meaningful way English paymasters, the audience wants to shout: "Don't trust the Bruce. The Bruce is an evil devil worshipping IRA ****. Don't trust her. Don't join her prayer group. Don't let her into your charity. Don't let her into your church. And stay the **** away from her IRA skanger devil worshipping skanger friends. And as for that IRA lowlife skanger priest Ruairi O'Domhnaill she hangs out with, ah for ****'s sake. I mean I don't want to go casting no aspoyshuns."
Mel trusts the old skank and it ends badly.
All this aside, the casting of Angus Macfadyen as Robert the Bruce actually had a touch of cleverness and likeability to it. The actor was very much a matinee idol type and Mel was getting a bit long in the tooth for buckling swashes.The disparate comparison was apparent but it didn't harm the movie. A less confident actor/director might have opted for an obviously less striking hunk among his protagonists.
It was as though Mel was saying: "Look, I'm secure enough to let another guy shine alongside me."
Yes, a genuinely likeable casting decision which I dare say probably gives a rare insight into Mel Gibson's real persona.
Mel Gibson surrounds himself with good people and lets them shine, and he knows full well in doing so that everyone is winning.
It goes to character.
Compare and contrast without disrespect another matinee idol Mr Kevin Costner's actions in similar circumstances. He's probably as capable a performer on his day as Mel Gibson, and his fame at some times has been greater, but I'll hazard he's perhaps not so generous to those around him.
In Robin Hood the actor Hans Gruber supposedly had many of his scenes cut simply because of fears he was overshadowing the Bold Sir Kevin.
But I digress.
Another fine casting choice in Braveheart, presumably attributable to Mel Gibson, is the French bim who plays the princess. She is a strikingly good looking woman and can also act. She did let herself down a bit though in the riding scene with James Bond.