The Heelers Diaries

the fantasy world of ireland's greatest living poet

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Location: Kilcullen (Phone 087 7790766), County Kildare, Ireland

Wednesday, June 28, 2017

here's one

Flicking through the channels on the sexevision.
Apparently some incarnation of a British music combo styled The Clash are putting out cover versions of that band's greatest hits.
I alight upon the updated version of Rock The Casbah.
It goes:

"I really don't like this
Rock the Cosbies
Rock the Cosbies.
By order of  Gloria Allred
All 1970's tramps
Can collect a ten million dollar pension
And a million in food stamps
They randomly pick an 80 year old TV celebrity
And claim to have been in his hotel room
In 1973
That he gave them a potion
And sundry other things
Then the room began to spi-n-n-n-n
I really don't like this
Dung ger dung dung
Dung ger duk dung dung
Rock the Costbies
Rock the Cosbies
Gretchen Carlson got fired from Fox
Without a pension plan
She called up Gloria Allred
Who was her only man
They cooked up a tenuous allegation
About Fox CEO Roger Ailes
And the Murdock Corporation paid
Twenty mi-ll-ion-n-n
I really don't like this
Rock the Cosbies 
Rock The Cosbies
This is not Kosher
Rock the Cosbies 
Rock the Cosbies
With feminist attorneys
And bimbo eruptions
And a presumption of guilt when any gold digger impugns an elderly man
Rock the Cosbies
Rock the Cosbies"

Well, well, well gentle and refined travellers of the internet..
After all these years.
I think I'm actually starting to like the Clash.

Tuesday, June 27, 2017

considerations re poltergeists

There are occasional media reports of hauntings in Ireland and in Britain. Most of them are fake I think.
I recognise that ghosts may be real but I suggest most of the reported incidents have been staged.
The most famous and sensational case in London in the early 1970's was entirely falsified by people seeking to get their names in the papers.
Then there's the perspective that phenomena we think are ghosts might be something else at times.
Father Benedict Groeschel was of the opinion that poltergeist phenomena were the results of mental telepathy. Some sort of mind powers. Often in a teenager and associated with puberty.
I tend to respect him and it's because of him and his claims to have personally witnessed such phenomena, that I'm willing to say that not all the reports of poltergeist activity are the result of fakery.
But I think he was wrong in concluding that some of the moving objects and poltergeist phenomena were mentally induced.
My opinion is that we don't have mind powers that can produce kinetic motion because having such powers would give us an improper advantage over others.
It seems to me that reality is ordered by God so that we don't have mind powers that can produce motion or create an impact using objects. I would regard this position as absolutely in keeping with theories of Darwinian evolution (although I do not think Darwinian evolution is a proven theory.) In Darwinian terms a creature with mind powers could destroy all other creatures. So there are none.
My own explanation for poltergeists and associated phenomena is the presence of a spirit, possibly an evil one, which may be attached to or persecuting a particular person, hence Fr Groeschel's opinion that the person themselves has produced the kinetic effect on objects around them.
This idea would also explain for me how some people appear able to cast curses on others. I'm suggesting that the curse is cast through an evil spirit or spirits and not through any real faculty that the person making the curse has themselves.
I recall a moderately attractive Spanish girl telling me once: "Soy demonio (I am a demon.)"
Apparently she was trying to be exciting.
And I had replied: "You're not a demon. A demon may be interested in you. But he's not you."
By which I meant:
Have no truck with spirits.
Jesus Christ died to set you free from any and every oppression of evil.
This is the age of the one true God.

Monday, June 26, 2017

dawn prayer

The early hour of morning.
As I stood at the window, a fox emerged from the hedge and moved like a ghost through the grass.
I felt like I was receiving a blessing from the Almighty.
The fox took his ease, nosing about in the garden for ten minutes.
He did not seem unduly worried about anything.
Russet fur, a bushy tail, and holy grace.
The artistry of the Creator is writ fine in his creatures.

Sunday, June 25, 2017

qatar's in the cradle with the silver spoon jihadis playing zithars with the man man in the moon when we gonna have a caliphate don't know when we'll get together then you know we'll have a good time then jihadis you know we'll have a good time then

Flicking through the channels on the sexevision.
By accident I land on a news station.
An interesting tidbit of news catches my eye.
Saudi Arabia, Egypt, Bahrain and the United Arab Emirates have together cut all ties with Qatar and have jointly demanded that Qatar cease to sponsor Jihad terrorism, namely by hosting the Isis and Hezbollah terrorist movements.
I consider this story the biggest story on the planet at the moment.
A further demand from Saudi, Egypt, Bahrain and the UAE to Qatar is that Qatar close down its international news station styled Al Jazeera.
Alas poor Al Jazeera.
I knew them Horatio.
I used to refer to them simply as "the Nazi channel" as they cheer-led Al Qaeda through the early days of the War On Terror.
Now Egypt which is the largest Arab State in terms of population and Saudi which is the richest, the UAE which is the most cosmopolitan, and Bahrain which is the most open, have more or less endorsed my view that Qatar is up to its neck in Al Qaeda.
These are indeed rum times.
Interestingly enough there has been very little reportage of the Saudi, Egypt, Bahrain, UAE ultimatum to Qatar on ye venerable Murdocks owned Sky News.
Sky as you all know has no revenue stream except for that which comes to it from the Al Qaeda loving Royal Family of Qatar via advertisements for Qatar airlines.
But this is probably not the reason that Sky isn't reporting the single biggest story on the planet this week about four Arab nations threatening a fifth for its support of Jihad.
Sky probably just didn't notice.

sermons and sermonability

Father Baines on the pulpit.
"Many people fear that immigrants will take their jobs..."
The noble Heelers front row centre looks a bit bemused,
I'm thinking that my concerns, not fears, relate more to the reality that we are experiencing via uncontrolled immigration an allied IRA mafia Islamist smash and grab on our nation and our freedoms.
Ireland will not survive this.
Still the jobs issue is not entirely outside my purlieu.
Not so long ago I'd asked the owner of a nursing home about the possibility of employment.
She'd apologetically given me the nay.
And I'd looked around her foyer where the confused and abandoned elderly Irish were being at best ignored by a staff of Pakistanis, Philippinos and one rather aggressive Polish staff member whom I'd seen shouting into the face of a demented old lady: "I am not a nurse."
F---ing right she's not a nurse.
Barely even a human being as evidenced by her treatment of the little old lady.
The proprietor noticed my vacant and pensive mood.
"We really have nothing at the moment James," she'd said.
And I'd murmured softly: "No Irish need apply, eh Miriam?"
Back in Kilcullen church Father Baines continues.
"Let us pray for the grace to do the right thing towards the immigrants."
My face profondeurs into a study.
By doing the right thing, can the Padre possibly mean, re-establishing our borders and expelling all Jihadis and ethnic mafias?
It would be refreshing.
Ho hum.
All these nice people are really going to find Muslim rule quite a shock to their systems.

Saturday, June 24, 2017

heeler the peelers fashion tips for the modern girl

Tattoos... no no no.


A children's home called Haut La Garenne on the island of Jersey is under investigation.
Allegations have emerged of serial sexual abuse, ritual violations, rapes and murders, taking place at the home.
The large number of allegations along with several other items of evidentiary information which have come into the public domain, point to many decades of violation, abuse, rape and murder of children at Haut La Garenne.
My analysis is that Haut La Garenne was used by a satanic cult for the ritual abuse of children.
My analysis is that this cult involves many levels of society on the island of Jersey, including political and law enforcement figures as well as prominent members of the business community.
I am disquieted by the manner in which the investigation is being handled.
I am disquieted that all members of staff who have at any time worked at Haut La Garenne have not been arrested, detained and interrogated.
I am disquieted that the senior officer investigating the case has been removed from the investigation.
I am disquieted at the manner in which the new senior officer investigating the case has dismissed many of the more serious allegations.
I do not believe the current investigators are seeking the truth.
I call on all men and women of good will to boycott the island of Jersey.
I call on all men and women of good will to boycott the products, people, industries, and holday resorts of the island of Jersey.
I call on all fund managers, investment comptrollers, and banking executives to divest immediately from the island of Jersey.
I call on Teresa May Prime Minister of Great Britain to take personal responsibility for the investigation.
I call on Queen Elizabeth the Second to intervene directly in this case, so that the murdered, raped, violated and ritually sacrificed children of Haut La Garenne will at last receive some form of justice.
There is no excuse for acquiescing in the child murders, rapes, ritual satanic sacrifices and sundry other tortures and violations, which have taken place at Haut La Garenne on the island of Jersey before the eyes of the world.
End this.
Bring the murderers to account.
Do it England.

the humane killers

(being a short screed in the form of a list on the faux humanitarianism of outgoing prime minister Enda Kenny, his Fine Gael party, and the pseudo elites of Ireland.)

1. They were so humane that when the IRA gangster bank Anglo Irish Bank collapsed because the IRA were systematically burglarishing it through illegal billion dollar loans to themselves, Enda Kenny and his government continued the corrupt previous policies of a previous corrupt government in continuing to corruptly use tax payers money to pay the IRA's debts to its own bank.

2. When Lochlainn Quinn's AIB bank went bust, Enda Kenny was so humane that he ignored the conflict of interest in having Lochlainn Quinn's brother Ruairi as a member of his government, and bailed out AIB to the tune of billions of tax payers' dollars.

3. When I put it to Enda Kenny ten years ago at a dinner party in the town of Athy (capital of the IRA's caliphate in South Kildare) that serial killer Larry Murphy was refusing to discuss his various crimes while sitting out a pattycake prison sentence for a kidnapping, torture, rape and murder where he was interrupted before killing the victim, a sentence imposed by a liberal judge who allowed Murphy to avoid testifying by accepting a late guilty plea, when I told Enda Kenny that police and FBI sources believed Murphy had killed, killed, raped, raped and tortured and killed before, but that we were allowing him to sit in glorious silence in his jail cell rather than compelling him to tell us where those murdered girls and boys and adults were and who are the other members of his coven, when I told Enda Kenny this, Enda Kenny told me: "We can do something there." Little did I dream that doing something meant the humanitarian Fine Gaeler solution of releasing Larry Murphy, giving him an Irish passport and setting him loose on the boys and girls, men and women of Europe.

4. In Enda Kenny's humane Ireland it is forbidden to slap children in school but the humanitarians are perfectly willing to dose children with Ridilin and other mind altering drugs.

5. Enda Kenny was so humane that he absolutely refused to tackle the crime wave inflicted on Ireland by Tinker Gangs. Enda Kenny's humane solution to the wave of misery unleashed by the Tinkers was to designate Tinkers an ethnic minority.

6. Enda Kenny and his pseudo elites are much to humane to teach children respect for their own bodies so instead they have facilitated children with access to abortion pills no questions asked without parental consent no minimum age, at pharmacies all over Ireland, thereby turning children into murderers often before they reach their teens.

7. Enda Kenny and his government were so humane that they refused to take legal action against white collar criminal Denis O'Brien after O'Brien was deemed by a judicial enquiry to have bribed Michael Lowry a Communications Minister in a former Fine Gael government in order to obtain mobile phone service provision contracts dirt cheap thereby setting the billion dollar foundations for Denis O'Brien's stolen fortune, Instead Enda Kenny looked the other way while Denis O'Brien took control of Independent Newspapers and began filling the bankrupt readerless publications of that group with laudatory articles and photos of, you guessed it, Enda Kenny.

8. Enda Kenny was so humane that while refusing to have Denis O'Brien jailed or even investigated, he did find time to permit AIB bank (Remember them?) which had gone bust lending money to Denis O'Brien's newspapers, Enda Kenny I say, having nationalised AIB as previously mentioned, permitted AIB to cancel the billion dollar debts of Denis O'Brien's bankrupt newspapers. This was particular humane because it meant Denis O'Brien didn't have to spend a penny of his stolen billion dollar fortune to pay his billion dollar debts. The tax payer and the citizenry picked up the tab.

9. Enda Kenny was so humane that after Lochlainn Quinn as board member of AIB presided over the absolute collapse of AIB, Enda Kenny instead of banning Lochlainn Quinn from holding any further positions of corporate governance, allowed him to become chairman of the ESB, Ireland's State owned electricity company.

10. Enda Kenny is so humane that in response to public concerns about the collapse of immigration law in Ireland and Europe, he sent the Irish navy to the Mediterranean, not to secure the Boarder but to help people traffickers ship their Muslims ashore. My point about the false humanitarianism of helping people traffickers land the human beings they ship as cargo, is that it has helped (along with the Let-Em-In policies of German Chancellor Frau Angela Merkel and the current occupant of the See of Saint Peter, Jorge Bergoglio) to promote an exponentially unprecedented rush of people trafficking on the Southern Boarder of Europe, in turn of course leading to exponentially more deaths than would have occurred if we'd simply secured the Boarder in the first place and discouraged the people traffickers thusly from targetting us.

11. Enda Kenny and his government are so humane that they proposed to tackle Ireland's skyrocketing suicide rate by abolishing the concept of suicide.

12. The depths of Enda Kenny's humanitariaism are perhaps best shown by the manner in which he promised not to legalise abortion and then legalised it anyway once elected.

13. Enda Kenny was so humane that he couldn't bring himself to fire the most infamously corrupt police chief in our history, a character called Noirin O'Sullivan who has been implicated in parliament by the leader of the Labour Party as being a party to the framing of a hero cop for child abuse. Enda Kenny instead of firing Noirin O'Sullivan, appointed a committe to investigate her, a committee which is being humanely led by the incompetent scoundrel who hired her as Chief of Police in the first place.

14. Enda Kenny is so humane that he has monstrously presided over a situation where a Health Board website styled Spun Out, was advising children on how best to conduct sexual proclivities which the site calls "threesomes."

15. Enda Kenny is so humane that he has permitted our hugely disrupted generation of children to be taught that they may be gender fluid, or that they might indeed like to transition to a different gender, with the option of a mutilating sex change operation at fifteen to seal the deal. Counsellors fail to tell the children that the operation doesn't work, and that it will mean the must remain on a powerful cocktail of gender suppressant drugs for the rest of their lives.

16. Enda Kenny is so humane that he has silenced and marginalised all public concerns about the collapse of immigration law by labelling such concerns racist. Instead he has allowed the Muslim Brotherhood and its Al Qaeda and Isis franchises, to turn Ireland into a forward operating base for attacks against United States of America, Great Britain, Western Europe and the rest of the world. Enda Kenny's single greatest achievement has been to turn Ireland into Jihad Central for the planet earth.

17. Enda Kenny's humanitarianism also meant he was unwilling to do anything about the rise of the IRA as an international mafia or the monolithic extension of IRA mafia power throughout Ireland. As IRA skang gangs have waged turf wars in towns and villages across the country, Enda Kenny bleated: "Oh it will take many years to sort out the gangs." Meanwhile the citizens cower in fear and the IRA has begun dividing up Ireland into personal fiefdoms, apportioning parcels to the Cosa Nostra, Chinese Triads, Nigerian devil worship rings, the Russian mob and of course those little known Muslim combos the Muslim Brotherhood, Al Qaeda and Isis.

18. As Islamic terrorism nests and metastasizes in Ireland, Enda Kenny being too humane to do anything about it, has instead proposed censoring the internet to stop people like me pointing it out.. The pro censorship position puts him in truly exalted company including the Chinese Communist government and the Islamic Republic of Iran.

19. Enda Kenny was so humane that during Ireland's recent eight year economic bankruptcy, he couldn't bring himself to reduce the vastly inflated wages of Ireland's indolent narcoleptic State employees. Instead he invented new taxes to impose on the citizenry so that teachers, nurses, doctors, soldiers, cops, lawyers and uncivil servants could continue to wax fat on their manifest corruptions. To keep these trade unionised louts in the style to which they have become accustomed Enda Kenny introduced cleverly themed new taxes, a Universal Social Charge on everything that moves, a water tax, a local property tax and even a proposed tax on lap top computers. Bear in mind that in Ireland we are forced to pay a tax if we own a television. This tax is used to finance Ireland's unwatchable Stalinist abortionist anti Catholic State broadcaster RTE.

20. Enda Kenny was so humane that he couldn't quite bring himself to do anything about IRA mafia  rackateers controlling Ireland's trade union movement. Presumably because he is aware that IRA mobsters like running trade unions and he considered it would be inhumane to deny them this simple pleasure.

21. I used to call Enda Kenny a weak, vapid, vascillatory, vacuous, hairstyle of a man. I was just being nice. But in truth, I'll miss him.

22. Enda Kenny was so humane that to please bigots and bolshevicks, he closed Ireland's embassy to the Vatican. He obviously thought that closing the Vatican embassy was the humane thing to do because it was the policy advocated by a small coterie of IRA crypto fascists, a decaying decanter of Irish Times reading bigots, and by a splodge of general half lahs amid the peasantry and by absolutely no one else. He must have known that the IRA, the Irish Times and the half wits at least, would get a momentary masturbatory thrill from such an action. He was always very caring towards minorities, was Enda.

23. Remember it was his notion of humanitarianism that at the outset led Enda Kenny to allow IRA people traffickers to flood our countries with Muslim Jihadis and associated Third World mafias. Is it so humane to acquiesce to barbarism? If I'm right, the Muslims will do here and are already doing here, exactly what they have done in every other country that allowed them in. They will inflict mass casualty terrorism. Then they will end the freedoms we have. After that, it's black Islamic night. The irony of the great humanitarians shepherding in a new dark ages for the human race is screaming.

Friday, June 23, 2017

the rocky murdocks picture show

The screen is dark.
A disembodied male voice sings as the opening credits appear in the blackness.
The voice is plaintive, poignant and oddly beautiful.


The Voice: (singing)
"I remember the chill
The day Newsweek stood still
Claiming US troops flushed Korans down the jax
And Piers Morgan was there
In silver underwear
Cheerleading the Jihadi attacks.
Then something went wrong
For Rupert Murdock and his son
They got caught in a phone tapping jam
And at a deadly pace
It came from outer space
And this is how the message ran.
Science Fiction
Ooh, oooh, oooh
Double feature.
George Bush is a liar
Tony Blair's his creature
See Jihadis fighting
Not terrorists but insurgents
And lots of talk about quagmires
It's all so urgent
Woh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
At the late night
Sky News feature
Picture show
Woh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
At the late night
Sky News feature
Surrender show
I remember the sorrow
When the New York Times had to borrow
Five hundred million from a Sanchez named Slim
And the Washington Post
Soon gave up the ghost
And told us that Al Qaeda would win
Then something went weirder
For Piers Morgan at the Mirror
He published fake torture photos just to pay his bills
But I really stepped back
When Lukwesa Burak
Got a haircut that spits poison and kills
In a
Science Fiction
Wooh oooh oooh
Double feature
Rupert Murdock
Oooh oooh oooh
We'll build a creature
See lawyers fighting
At the Leveson Enquiry
And Adam Bolton wondering
Why the hell don't they fire me
Woh oh oh oh oh oh
At the late night
Sky News feature
Picture Show
Woh oh oh oh oh oh
At the late night
Sky News feature
Picture show
At the late night
Woo ooh ooh
Sky News feature
Picture show
Woh oh oh oh
I wanna go oh oh oh
To the late night
Sky News feature
Picture show
Oh oh oh oh oh
At the late night
Sky News feature
Picture show


(Camera cuts to the interior of a Starbucks cafe in South London. It is the Starbucks where Jannat Jalil from Sky News has her morning espresso. James Healy is at a table eyeing Jannat. She, being a fan of the Heelers Diaries, knows well he is stalking her. He approaches her table tentatively.)

James: Jannat.
Jannat: Yes James.
James: (awkwardly) I really admired the elegant way,
                               You read the evening news,
                               On Sky the other day.
Jannat: Yes James.
James: Jannat.
Jannat: Yes James.

(Music starts. Other diners sing the part of the Chorus.)

James: The road was long but I ran it.
Chorus: Jannat!
James: The river was broad but I swam it
Chorus: Jannat!
James: I've one thing to say
           And that's dammit Jannat, I love you.
           Here's the ring and now you'll never look back
           True I may have a pot belly and a saggy butt
           But my love for you is deeper than for Lukwesa Burak
           She spoilt her chances with that haircut, tut tut
Jannat: This ring is flashier than Kay Burleigh's mind games.
Chorus: Oh James
Jannat: It fills my heart with passion and sultry flames
Chorus: Oh James
Jannat: And I've one thing to say, and that's James, I'm insane for you too.
James: Dammit Jannat.
Jannat: Oh James, I'm insane.
James: Dammit Jannat.
Jannat: Oh James, I'm insane.
James: Dammit Jannat.
Jannat: Oh James, I'm insane.
James and Jannat: (together) I love you.


(Camera cuts to a country road on a dark night. James and Jannat are driving through the rain. The car runs out of petrol. The two sit for a moment in silence.)

Jannat: What kind of man doesn't fill his car with petrol before a long journey?
James: I never put more than ten Euro's worth in the tank.
Jannat: Why?
James: Well I wanted to punish the government for imposing punitive taxation rates on petrol. And I wanted to punish the garages for failing to organise an effective lobby to stop the government imposing this tax. And I wanted to punish the oil conglomerates for trying to corner the market in oil through forward buying, thereby driving the price of a barrel of oil to 100 dollars when it should be less than ten, and perpetually gambling that the price of oil will rise and then forcing it to do so through their astonomical borrowings from collapsed idiot banks. And I wanted to punish the Arabs and the OPEC organisation for operating an illegal oil cartel against the rest of humanity. All of these corrupt vested interest groups have traded on the notion that we will never respond to their price gouging. They have waxed fat on the idea that oil is not a price sensitive commodity. We have allowed them to believe that we will buy their oil no matter what they charge. This is a very negative delusion to encourage in governments, garages or Arabs. It is apt to confuse them.
Jannat: So you punished them by stranding us.
James: Er yes.
Jannat: Oh James.
James: Oh Jannat.
Jannat: I think I might be Muslim.
James: What's that?
Jannat: Nothing. Let's go search for help.


(Camera cuts to the two now walking along the roadside in the rain. They are making their way towards a castle in the distance which has a light shining in a single window. The music kicks in.)

Jannat: (singing)
In the velvet darkness
Of the blackest night
No matter where
There's a guiding light

James & Jannat: (singing together)
There's a light
Over at the Murdock place
There's a ligh-igh-igh-ight
Burning in the fireplace
There's a ligh-igh-igh-ight
In the darkness
Of every night

(Camera cuts to the window of the castle. Sky News Overseas foreign affairs correspondent Tim Marshall is sitting at the window watching the rain. Tim Marshall has in the past year been sent to report from Libya, Egypt, Syria, in fact from every trouble spot in the world where there is even the remotest chance that his life might be in danger. An uncharitable observer might conclude that someone at Sky is indeed trying to kill him.)

Tim Marshall: (singing)
The darkness must glow
Down the river of my dreaming
Until Kay Burleigh goes
The sun cannot come streaming
Into my life
Into my ligh-igh-igh- ife

(Camera returns to James and Jannat)

James & Jannat:
There's a light
Over at the Murdock place
There's a ligh-igh-igh-ight
It's burning in the fireplace
There's ligh-igh-igh-ight
In the darkness
Of every night


(Camera cuts to James and Jannat knocking on the door of Castle Murdock. The door opens to reveal Kevin Murdock (son of Rupert) dressed as the character Riff Raff from the Rocky Horror Picture Show. Behind him we can see Rebekkah Wade, formerly Managing Director at News International, dressed as a sexy maid.)

James: Our car broke down.
Riff Raff: You've come on a very important night. The master is having one of his affairs.
James: You mean now he's cheating on Wendy Deng?
Jannat: Shhh.
Riff Raff: I think perhaps you'd better come inside.


(Scene: Castle interior. A group of garishly dressed guests have congregated. James and Jannat stare as without warning Riff Raff bursts into a most infectious musical number. The other party guests join in at just the right places.)

Riff Raff:
I remember
Doing the Truth Warp
Those moments when
People gave us direct debit access to their personal bank accounts
To pay for Sky Channel
Let's do the News International again.
Let's bribe the police force again.
It's just a jump to the left
And a step to the righ-igh-igh-ight
You put your hands on your hips
And bring your knees in tigh-igh-ight
But it's tapping people's phones
That really knocks you insa-a-a-a-ane
Let's do the Truth Warp again
Let's do the News Corp again
It's just a jump to the left.
And a step to the righ-igh-igh-ight
You bribe the Chief of Police
And bring your knees in tigh-igh-ight
But it's owning the law
That really knocks us insa-a-a-a-ane
Let's do the News Corp again
Lets bribe the police force again

(Riff Raff and the partygoers collapse in an exhausted heap. James and Jannat don't quite know what to do. Although James has appreciated the verve of the performance and is clapping vigorously.)

Jannat: Let's get out of here.
James: Nonsense. It's just getting good. Let's stay and see what happens next.
Jannat: This is not the Athy Chamber of Commerce James.
James: (With infinitely smug middle class political correctness) They're probably just Muslims with ways different from our own.
Jannat: I'm cold. I'm frightened. And I'm just plain scared. Oh. And I think I'm a Muslim too.
James: (Still infinitely smug and middle class and not really taking anything in.) Don't worry darling. We all are. Now stop being frightened. I'm here. Nothing can possibly go wrong. If we're lucky, in a moment maybe these simple country folk will perform some more shameless parodies from the Rocky Horror Picture Show for our amusement.


(As James and Jannat are talking the other party goers and Riff Raff have slowly revived and risen to their feet. Suddenly, a door bursts open behind Jannat's shoulder. Rupert Murdock struts in. Jannat faints. James looks enthused. Rupert launches into his trademark song.)

Not another wordo
I'm Rupert Murdo
And he's... (indicating Riff Raff)
My faithful maitre delice
He's a little brought down
Because when you knocked
He thought you were the
Chief of Police
Don't get strung out
By the way I look
Don't judge a company by its corrupt corporate management
I may look 86 years old
By the light of day
But at night I look positively indigent
I'm your sweet Chief Executive
From sweetly Ineffective

James: (rapping and breaking any number of copyrights held by Jim Sharman and Richard O'Brien)
I'm glad we caught you at home
May we use your phone
We're both in a bit of a hurry
We'll just say where we are
And then get back to the car
We don't want to be any worry

Rupert: (singing)
So you got caught with a breakdown
In the middle of my shakedown
Don't you panic
Even if Jannat dumps you
I'll find a more exotic broad to hump you
I'll get you a satanic Hispanic
Cos I'm your sweet Chief Executive
From sweetly Ineffective
Sweet Chief Executive
From sweetly ineffective

(Rupert pauses to drink a cup of water. A man emerges from the chorus and throws a pie at him. The pie is neatly deflected by Wendy Deng who quickly hustles the would be assailant away while whaling the living tripe out of him with a metal dish.)

Rupert: (rapping)
Why don't you stay for the night
You could both have a bite
I won't tolerate any... dissension
I've been building a corrupt corporate media monopoly
You know with fake oversight from a board of directors who are all related to me
And they're good to relieve my... tension
I'm your sweet Chief Executive
From sweetly ineffective
Sweet Chief Executive
From sweetly ineffective
Don't get strung out
Because I bought the police
Don't judge a corrupt police buying company
By its corrupt corporate management
I may seem to buy a lot of cops
By the light of day
But at night
I get positively extravagant
Because I'm your sweet Chief Executive
From sweetly ineffective

(Rupert changes tack suddenly and incomprehensibly)

Rupert: (singing)
The transducer will seduce ya.
You're a sensual attapensual
When we tapped your phones
Did you hear a bell ring???
You better wise up
Lord Leveson
You better shape those thighs up
And close those eyes up
I've got a gun
And I'm launching a Sunday Sun

Charles Grey: Until she cried out...

Jannat: Allah U Akbar.

(The music stops. Everyone turns and stares. Some of the more ghoulish extras cower a bit. Jannat somewhat guiltily puts her hands over her lips and looks apologetic. By the way, I challenge anyone to discern what those lines about a sensual attapensual were in the original Rocky Horror Show movie. Not since Peter Sarstead sang about lowly bontags in Where Do You Go To My Lovely, has there been such an incomprehensible vaguely obscene lyric. Or how about the bit, again in the original Rocky Horror, when Rupert sang: "How do ya do, I'm... Field Mabs Meim... faithful handyman." What the heck is Field Mabs Meim? The enigmas endure.)


(The awkward moment following Rupert's song and Jannat's exclamation is brought to a halt by Riff Raff drawing a ray gun and vapourising Rupert. Rebekkah Wade is upset by this turn of events.)

Rebekkah: Why did you do that? I thought you liked him. He liked you.

Riff Raff: (With infantile fury) He never liked me. And it was time for him to go. Heelers has clearly run out of steam. He's just lifting lines from the Rocky Horror Show. There aren't even any jokes.

(Riff Raff and Rebekkah turn slowly and threateningly towards James and Jannat)

Riff Raff: (With preternatural menace) You two had better leave us. My beautiful Rebekkah get ready. We return to Tasmania immediately. Prepare the transit beam.

(James and Jannat, having seen the Rocky Horror Show, know it's time to flee the building.)

Scene: Castle exterior. James and Jannat fall in the mud and continue scrambling towards the gate. Behind them a spectacular Truth Warp bathes the News International HQ in mystic police investigations. Presently the entire building vanishes. Gone. On a voodoo wind. Back to Tasmania. For a moment on the cold night air it is almost as if you can hear the voice of former Sun editor Kelvin MacKenzie hissing: "A hundred and seventy police officers investigating us. That's more than investigated Lockerbie. Cor blimey. Worra waste. Cor Bliiiiiimmmmmaaaiiiieeeee." James and Jannat are left alone in the dirt. A voiceover kicks in. It is Charles Grey whom we met very briefly and inexplicably during the last song, now reprising his career best performance as the Criminologist in the Rocky Horror Picture Show.

Charles Grey: (intoning)
And crawling
On the planet face
Some insects
Called the human race
Not members of the Board of News International
And not entitled to any dignity or respect or grace
Or indeed help from the police in the event that Rupert Murdock's staff, agents or companies assail, assault, violate, transgress, phone tap, kill, rape, burglarise, conduct posthumous show trials (like they did with Jimmy Saville to distract public attention from the Leveson Enquiry), or otherwise mitigate our rights in any way before the law
Even though
Cor blimey
We don't even let the police hack the phones of Jihadis
And Murdock's crew were doing it as a matter of course
To all of us
Cor blimey
We're all lost
Lost in time
And lost in space
And meaning


The screen goes dark. The plaintive male voice from the opening credits returns to sing over the closing credits. The lyrics of the closing refrain are even more poignant than before. If that's possible.

The Voice: (singing)
There was once something rare
About Lukwesa Burak's hair
It made me want to grab her and kiss
I dreamed that we might
Run away in the night
But now I think I'll give it a miss
And Lisa Holland drove round
Old Tripoli town
With Saif Gadaffi sitting on her knee
And Rebekkah Wade
Was a sexy maid
She was
At least she worked for me
In a
Science Fiction
Double Feature
Rupert Murdock
We'll build a creature
See Alistair Campbell fighting
With Adam Bolton
Who's turning puce
And now quite molten
At the late night
Sky News feature
Picture show
I really was there
For Adam Bolton's live melt down on air
When Alistair Campbell straightened his tie
And young Wendy Deng
Had developed a yen
For a billionaire 86 year old man
Then something went wrong
For Osama Bin Laden
He was caught in a special forces commando raid
And at a deadly pace
He got shot in the face
And this is what his last message said
Science fiction
Oooh oooh ooh
The Leveson Enquiry
Corrupt policeman
Massive bribery
See Freemasons fighting
James and Jannat
And the Murdock Family stars in
Forbidden planet
At the late night
Sky News feature
Picture show
I wanna go
To the late night
Sky News feature
Surrender show
To the late night
Double feature
Sky News movie
Picture show

watching the defectives

1. National media coverage of a recent supposed Blasphemy Laws case in Ireland omitted a salient fact. I say "supposed" case because the omitted fact was that the whole thing was a publicity stunt. Irish police had launched a formal investigation into a television programme hosted by one Gay Byrne in which his interviewee Mr Stephen Fry expressed what might be deemed a negative overall attitude towards God. Mr Fry's excoriation of the Almighty didn't bother me personally because whenever I see Gay Byrne I don't believe in God either. The latest reports on the matter arose because the investigating police after giggling quietly to themselves over a few doughnuts for two years and charging lunatic amounts of money to the taxpayer for their services (at a time when gangland seems to have a free hand from the police to terrorise every town, village and city in the land and to deal drugs into every school) had finally announced that their investigation had been completed. And no charges would be forthcoming. Queue the standard bog standard reportage in the standard bankrupt readerless Irish Independent newspaper to wit: "Sources say no charges will be pressed as there was no injured party." Ho hum. Here is the news they didn't print. The police investigation into Gay Byrne's television interview with Stephen Fry was instigated by the producers of the programme themselves in an attempt to attract public attention to their programme. No one in Ireland has any interest in blasphemy laws or in Gay Byrne. In fact we only have Blasphemy Laws because our appeaserish politicians dreamed them up as a sop for the Muslim Jihadis currently flooding our country. NB: The flood of Jihadis has nothing to do with Climate Change which, contrary to what the Irish Independent tells you, and contrary to the prevalence of a world wide Muslim terror army, doesn't exist.

2. Media reports on last week's sea faring incident involving an American naval vessel and a cargo ship fell somewhat below the bog standard of reportage we call the bleeding obvious. Sky News and CNN told the world that the American navy ship had collided with a Japanese registered craft. The way Sky and CNN presented it, you'd think there was nothing unusual here at all. Even as they reported it, footage clearly showed that the American Navy ship had been rammed amidships. It did not collide with anything. It was rammed. That was clear from the moment the footage was broadcast but no one said it. The early reports that the cargo vessel was Japanese were also deliberately misleading. The cargo vessel was registered to Japanese owners but had a crew from the Philippines. That smells like Jihad. There was further reticence in publishing the fact that seven American crewmen had been killed and that no one had been hurt on the vessel that rammed them. Additional information now indicates that the cargo vessel performed a U turn in order to ram the American Navy ship. That still doesn't explain how a lumbering cargo vessel could get near to a modern American Naval craft. Unless the American vessel had a crew member or two who were rooting for the Jihadis. This is my analysis of what should be the major talking points in regard to the incident. We should be stating clearly that the American ship was rammed in a probable Jihad attack. And we should be asking whether the Jihadis had help from Muslims among the crew on the American ship itself.

Thursday, June 22, 2017

my one vague regret about retiring irish prime minister enda kenny

My one vague regret about the retirement of Irish Prime Minister Enda Kenny is that I never owned a television network during his fifty years in office (Eight years surely? - Ed note). You see, I knew a man, a Kilcullen farmer called Ron Baines whose voice is identical to Enda Kenny's and who could have played him to perfection in a satirical prime time comedy show. Now it shall never be.

an open letter to gino kenny an elected representative in ireland's parliament in dublin

Dear Gino Kenny.
You have introduced legislation in Ireland's parliament to legalise cannabis use for what you call medicinal purposes.
The legalisation of cannabis for any purposes will enable the IRA mafia and their parliamentary proxies Sinn Fein to turn a substantial portion of their dirty money, ie the money they make from poisoning Irish people with drugs, into clean money.
Legalising cannabis as you propose to do, will also be a step towards legalising all drugs.
The strategy of legalising cannabis as a step towards legalising the entire mafia controlled drug trade has been used in other jurisdictions by mob sponsored politicians, as I'm sure you are aware.
I have suggested previously that your political organisation which you style People Before Profit and your parliamentary allies who are styled the Anti Austerity Alliance, are in fact substantially infiltrated and controlled by the IRA.
The methodology the IRA used to gain control of your political organisation was a similar one the IRA used in the 1980's to infiltrate the Dublin based anti drugs group known as Concerned Parents Against Drugs.
The IRA infiltrated Concerned Parents Against Drugs, terrorised its more honorable members into silence, and then used the group to drive out of Dublin any drug dealers who were not affiliated to the IRA.
The Concerned Parents Against Drugs turned a blind eye to IRA controlled drug dealers who were thus the only ones who could trade safely in Dublin.
This was how the IRA and their Sinn Fein proxies in parliament established their early monopoly on the drugs trade in Ireland, a monopoly which endures to this day with recognised franchise holders including Cosa Nostra, Chinese Triads, the Russian mafia, various Muslim gangs, Al Qaeda et al.
Mr Kenny your legislation will exponentially increase the power of the IRA mafia.
Already we are seeing the process of sicilianisation unfolding in Ireland, as IRA drug gangs using militias of young and not so young thugs from sink housing estates and tinker gangs, are turning our town and villages, cities and countryside, into mafia fiefdoms.
The official figures show in excess of 500 Irish people die from drug use every year.
The real figure is higher.
Those who don't die, the shambolical wrecks we see sleeping in their own vomit on Main Street, are reduced to a level beneath that of farm animals in order to keep drug dealing, people trafficking, child abusing IRA hoodlums who have never done a day's work in their lives driving around in BMWs, or Audis, or in the case of the hoodlums who live at my gate, in Jaguars.
Gino Kenny, I appeal to you, to cease introducing legislation contrived to serve the interests of the IRA in debasing yet another generation of Irish people as the IRA's older enslaved junkies keep dying off and they seek newer freedoms to enslave the next generation.
I note that you have been prominent in promoting the claims of a woman who says her daughter needs cannabis to control seizures.
I note also that the woman's claims have not been substantially verified by any proper medical authorities.
Are you sure of her bona fides?
Presumably you made some effort to check.
There are mothers and fathers who would prostitute their own children, you know, like for a million dollars.
The IRA would pay that in return for its entire cannabis operation being made legal.
Then there are some women who would prostitute their children just because they like the IRA and without any cash changing hands.
As you well know.
How did you verify the integrity of the woman you are using to justify your attempt to legalise the IRA's drug trade?
If you really wish to help her, tell the woman to bring her child to Church.
And then to Lourdes.
Then try acupuncture.
Then try alterations to diet.
Then buy the kid a horse.
Then buy her a labrador and/or a sheepdog and/or a hamster and/or hens.
These are things real mothers try when their daughters have seizures.
Real mothers don't rush to start dosing their kid with cannabis.
On the off chance that you may one day grow a conscience, I appeal to you again.
End this.
James Healy