The Heelers Diaries

the fantasy world of ireland's greatest living poet

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Location: Kilcullen (Phone 087 7790766), County Kildare, Ireland

Monday, January 16, 2017

heelers defies the swastika


1. I believe the decision by Irish police to charge Irish parliamentarian Clare Daly with driving at 35 miles per hour in a 30 mile an hour zone, is criminal harassment.

2. I believe that the actions of the Courts Service in listing Clare Daly's case as the final case out of 188 cases to be heard in a particular court sitting, are criminal harassment.

3. I believe Judge Desmond Zaidan's action in skipping ten cases to reach Clare Daly's case before his court closed is criminal harassment.

4. I believe Judge Desmond Zaidan's action in issuing a bench warrant for Clare Daly's arrest because she had left the court by the time he illegally skipped cases in order to call her case, is criminal harassment.

5. I believe the procedural courtroom shenanigans at a second court hearing days after the first one, whereby cases were moved to another Judge in order to allow Judge Desmond Zaidan to hear Clare Daly's case are criminal harassment.

6. I believe that Judge Desmond Zaidan's instruction to Clare Daly to stand up straight in his court is criminal harassment.

7. As a citizen of the Republic of Ireland I protest what I consider to be criminal harassment activities against Clare Daly being carried out by police, courts service employees and Judge Desmond Zaidan.

Friday, January 13, 2017

dung dung dung dung dung dung dung ner nerdle nerdle ner

George O'Dowd singing on the sexevision.
Not a big fan.
But this song has something.
George sings:

"I know all there is to know
about the Crying Game's plot
Ner nerdle nerdle ner
Teenagers might think it's boldly transgressive
But really it's not
Ner nerdle nerdle ner
First there are kisses
Then a girl who's a man
Who's simultaneously dating
A British soldier
And an IRA man
Don't want no more
Dung dung
Don't want no more
Dung dung
Of the Crying Game
No don't want no more
Of the Crying Game
Nerdle nerdle ner
Dung dung dung dung dung dung dung
Nerdle nerdle nerrr
Someday soon
I'm gonna tell the moon
About the Crying Game
And if he likes it
Well maybe he's insane
Ner nerdle nerdle ner
Don't want no more
No no no
Of the Crying Game
No no
It's just another Neil Jordan film
And they're all the same
Nerdle nerdle nerrrr
Oh yes
I know all there is to know
About the Crying Game's plot
Dung dung dung dung dung
Nerdle nerdle ner
Conformist pseuds and trendies might think it's daring
But really it's just tommy rot
Nerdle nerdle ner
First there are kisses
Then the usual Neil Jordan pseudo radical gender bending
Which if you seen his other films
Or read any of his books
Is basically unending
Don't want no more
Oh no no no
Of the Crying Game
Don't want no more
Of the Crying Game
First there's Stephen Rea's over acting
Then a surprise phallus rather prominently projected into the camera shot
Which if like James Healy you've ever actually worked in a film as an extra with Stephen Rea
I think you'll agree
He deserved what he got
Don't want no more
No no no
Of the Crying Game"

Wednesday, January 11, 2017

ye beste olde hal roche jokee

A homeless guy goes into the Apollo house shelter in Dublin which is run by the Home Sweet Home activist group.
"I'll have a room for the night," says the homeless guy.
"I'm sorry sir," says the desk clerk, "we don't do rooms here."
"Okay," says the homeless guy, "can I get some soup from your soup kitchen?"
"I'm sorry sir," says the desk clerk, "we don't do soup here."
"Alright, then can I at least wash myself in the bathroom?" says the homeless guy.
"I'm sorry sir," says the desk clerk, "we don't do washing here."
"Well what do you do?" asks the homeless guy.
"We're fronting for the IRA," says the desk clerk.
And the homeless guys says: "Oh."

Tuesday, January 10, 2017

to what serves mortal beauty

Me and the ghost of Thomas Hardy sitting in the Caffe Nero near Dublin's Stephen's Green.
We are contemplating the beautiful manageress.
"Ah Thomas she has more power than your dreams," quoth I.
"Go over and talk to her," sez he.
"What would I say?" quoth I.
"Tell her what's on your mind," sez he.
"Modern girls don't appreciate being told they're rides," I demur.

nobody shouted rah

At a press conference today Mr Brendan Ogle announced that the Irish government had caved in to his lobbying efforts and would create two new homelessness shelters in Dublin.
Brendan Ogle heads up an activist group which purports to campaign on behalf of homeless people.
The group is cutesily styled Home Sweet Home, a title belying the somewhat sinister full time mob connections of many of its members.
Brendan Ogle and his fellow activists recently seized control of a building in Dublin and began using it as a shelter for homeless people.
He noted today that the campaign had not been expensive as he wasn't paying rent for the building he seized.
The assembled journalists and lackeys at the press conference laughed appreciatively at his attempted witticism.
And nobody shouted Rah.
It has been suggested by some of us that Brendan Ogle of the IRA is an IRA associate of the drug dealing IRA mobsters who run the Irish trade union movement on behalf of the IRA.
Incidentally the IRA causes most of the homelessness in Ireland by hooking citizens on its drugs in order to keep them in penury for life scraping whatever money they can get together to pay the IRA for drug poisons that are killing them so that IRA skang gangs can drive around in free Audis and BMW's.
I mean I don't want to go casting no aspoyshuns.
The IRA has also infiltrated two left wing political parties in Ireland, ie the People Before Profit group and the Anti Austerity Alliance.
An Irish parliamentarian who is part of those left wing groups, one Gino Kenny, (two Gino Kenny's would have been ridiculous) has introduced legislation in parliament to legalise what he calls medicinal marijuana.
Gino Kenny's legislation is an IRA gambit to turn dirty drug money into clean money.
So...
The IRA mafia is supplying the drug poisons which cause homelessness.
The IRA is setting up homelessness charities through Brendan Ogle.
And the IRA is using Gino Kenny to move Ireland into a situation where drug dealing will be legal.
Raaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Saturday, January 07, 2017

death cab for skangy

The subtle ironies of the emergence of a narco mafia state in the Republic of Ireland continue to provide wry amusement at the end of the world cafe.
This week we had a character called Brendan Ogle revealed as the moving force behind an activist group which has seized a building in Dublin purportedly in order to provide shelter for homeless people.
Members of the supposed activist group style themselves Home Sweet Home.
Their leader Brendan Ogle is what passes for a trade unionist in Ireland.
It has been suggested by my sources that he is an associate of a particularly vicious faction of the drug dealing people trafficking child abusing IRA mafia.
Home Sweet Home is of course a much nicer name than Irish Republican Skanger Drug Dealing Child Abusing Skanger People Trafficking Skanger Terror Skang Gang.
Mr Ogle was formerly in charge of a train drivers union no less.
More recently the IRA are suspected of using him to further project and consolidate their influence into the Irish electricity company as secretary of various unions there.
Ogle has never worked in an electricity company in his life so his pretext for representing the Irish electricity company workforce, ie dominating them on behalf of rackateers, is slim at best.
So Ogle, an IRA proxy, is now seizing property in Dublin on behalf of the homeless.
Ironic indeed.
Here is the news.
The IRA is the major cause of homelessness in Ireland.
Most homeless people are homeless because the IRA has hooked them on its drug poisons.
The IRA controls drug dealing in Ireland along with associated mafias to whom it franchises out territories. These include Al Qaeda, Cosa Nostra, Chinese Triads, the Russian mafia, Nigerian devil worship rings et al. (Particularly Al. I hate him.)
I repeat.
The number one cause of homelessness in Ireland is the IRA.
And now we have the IRA setting up front organisations purporting to be homelessness charities.
Irish television coverage of Ogle's gambit to gain control of the homelessness racket has been slavish at best.
The Bolshevick RTE national broadcaster is State financed through compulsory taxation. In a systemic con job that would make Joe Stalin blush, every citizen in Ireland who owns a television is forced to pay 200 quid a year to RTE regardless of whether they watch RTE or not. Since its inception in the 1960's RTE has of course also been heavily infiltrated by the IRA, its staffers specialising in a peculiarly shameless brand of marxian anti Catholic bigotry. They are as bereft of courage as they are of insight as they are of honour.
I mean I don't want to go casting no aspoyshuns.
But wouldn't it be fun if just once an RTE interviewer rediscovered a conscience and instead of doffing his cap to the likes of Brendan Ogle said: "**** off you IRA skang."
That I'd willingly pay a licence fee for.

book review

A Single Headstrong Heart, by Kevin Myers, published 2013 Lilliput Press.

**** off Myers you ****.

Friday, January 06, 2017

ring out wild bells

(Special guest blogger Alfred Lord Tennyson)

Ring out, wild bells, to the wild sky,
The flying cloud, the frosty light:
The year is dying in the night;
Ring out, wild bells, and let him die.

Ring out the old, ring in the new,
Ring, happy bells, across the snow:
The year is going, let him go;
Ring out the false, ring in the true.

Ring out the grief that saps the mind,
For those that here we see no more;
Ring out the feud of rich and poor,
Ring in redress to all mankind.

Ring out a slowly dying cause,
And ancient forms of party strife;
Ring in the nobler modes of life,
With sweeter manners, purer laws.

Ring out the want, the care, the sin,
The faithless coldness of the times;
Ring out, ring out my mournful rhymes,
But ring the fuller minstrel in.

Ring out the pride in place and blood,
The civic slander and the spite;
Ring in the love of truth and right,
Ring in the common love of good.

Ring out old shapes of foul disease;
Ring out the narrowing lust of gold;
Ring out the thousand wars of old,
Ring in the thousand years of peace.

Ring in the valiant man and free,
The larger heart, the kindlier hand;
Ring out the darkness of the land,
Ring in the Christ that is to be.

heeler the peelers fashion tips for the modern girl

Stop drawing on eyebrows.
How would you like it if I drew on fake muscles?

Thursday, January 05, 2017

from the heelers job search


To: Arwen Foley, AA Roadwatch, roadwatchjob@gmail.com
From James Healy
Son of Jorell. You will give me that job.

the best cafe in dublin

Sitting in a comfortable corner at the Caffe Nero near Stephens Green.
I bite into my toasted panini.
Hmmm, thinks I, this is not the toasted panini I ordered.
I take another bite.
No.
Definitely not tuna.
Maybe I should bring it back.
The girl who served me was a Northie.
Lovely accent.
Like music.
Lovely incomprehensible music.
But they're all in the Rah, Northies.
How could I bring a sandwich back to her?
I'd have Sean Bean following me home, mouthing: "There'll be no more killing. After this one."
(You mean Mickey Rourke. - Gerry Adams note)
I've eaten about a quarter of the sandwich.
Is it too late to bring it back?
I munch rhythmically, while pondering the issues.
Years ago the Mammy sailed up to the counter in a cafe in Naas and told the manager I hadn't liked the sandwich there.
The manager had replied: "Well he shouldn't have eaten it then,"
Presently the present day Caffe Nero present tense sandwich is presently eaten.
The coffee is drunken,
I wander up to the counter.
On my way I pass a table featuring a heavily made up girl and her more naturally styled friend.
Girl number one is wearing a pro abortion jumper with "repeal" emblazoned on it.
I stop at their table.
In a rush I proclaim somewhat apologetically: "I want to make a wisecrack but I don't want to get thrown out of the cafe. George Soros spent a billion dollars promoting abortion in Ireland and all I got was this lousy jumper. There you go. That's my wisecrack. How do you like it?"
The make up girl gives a weak smile. The natural one laughs a bit.
Not the worst reaction I've ever had to my light hearted comic accostings of strangers in cafes.
On to the counter.
A youthful long haired woman is in situ.
No sign of the Northie.
"You gave me the wrong sandwich," I announced. "I want a refund."
"Okay," says Long Hair.
"What?" sez I. "Really?"
"Sure. No problem. Where's the sandwich."
"I ate it."
"Okay. Do you want another sandwich?"
"Er no. Actually just give me a free latte and we'll call it quits."
"Okay."
She serves up a caffe latte which I take back to the corner.
Presently the gorgeous Arab, Spanish or Something, I mean she's a honey, I mean dark eyes of the gazelle and all that, I mean I don't want to go casting no obsessions, I mean the hairstyle is a bit groovy but she can really carry it, holy hand grenades Batman, but aroogah, manageress comes over.
"We want you to have the refund," she says, giving me the cash.
She walks back to the counter.
The ghost of Thomas Hardy appears beside me.
"The women are beautiful Heelers," he says, "but the old are more beautiful than the young."
"I don't care Thomas," I tell him, "that girl is a ride."

heeler the peeler's fashion tips for modern girls

Stop drawing on eyebrows.
How would you feel if I drew muscles on my arms?