The Heelers Diaries

the fantasy world of ireland's greatest living poet

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Location: Kilcullen (Phone 087 7790766), County Kildare, Ireland

Monday, March 27, 2017

when the joke needs an explanation it is not a funny joke

If Heelers Was An Advertising Executive...

We see a rather attractive girl strolling down a Dublin street.
She's not film star gorgeous but more natural and somehow more entrancing.
She's got a certain je ne sais le foutre.
She's a bit like Ridey MacRide the Ride from the Cafe Noto near Stephens Green.
A man rushes up.
His name is Roger.
He's a bit like me.
He sees the girl, struggles briefly with a bout of heterosexual panic, then hangs a right over to an ancient lady flower seller who is lurking atmospherically at the edge of the street.
The flower seller says in rich Dublinese: "Do ye want flowers Luv?"
The man suppresses the urge to say: "No, I want brain surgery you ----ing Dublin ----."
Instead he bumbles a yes, bumbles for money, and bumbles away girlwards with the flowers.
He thrusts the flowers at her.
She laughs adorably.
A coolo British voice ejaculates smoothly from nowhere:
"When a man you've met many times before suddenly buys you flowers, that's F---ing Stupid. She's wearing F---ing Stupid and everybody loves her. F---ing Stupid, the new all over body spray from Snurdlebaums."

Explanation for the joke: The joke is based on an old ad for Impulse body spray which had the tag line - When a man you've never met before suddenly buys you flowers, that's Impulse. When viewed in this context it is actually quite funny. The above ad for F---ing Stupid is also interesting in that it contains an improbable number of euphemisms for gdoinking.

Wednesday, March 22, 2017

kilcullen easter

the lambing time
evanescent leaves
provincial poets stitching worn out rhymes
into patchwork quilted semaphores of praise
all of these
mist like matting on muddy fields
old men rejoicing in campaniles
all of these
everything that breathes is on its knees
for the coming of the lord

Tuesday, March 21, 2017

the hens of august

Wandered into the local vegetable shop.
"Morning Barkeep, have you got any free range eggs?" I enquire full of the joys. "I don't want any eggs from hens that are not being paid a living wage.. I want the sort where the hens get full union rate and three weeks holiday a year. I don't want my hens working in sweatshops and not being remunerated for their overtime. I want to know those hens have full lifetime contracts, healthcare coverage and are free to ride the range on horseback during their evenings off. Give me free range eggs or give me death."
"I've got the eggs," said the proprietor, "but we're not allowed call them free range. They have to be labelled barn fresh instead."
"You're joshing."
"It's a European Union ruling. Something to do with fighting bird flu. All hens have to be kept in barns and we have to label them barn fresh until further notice. It's now illegal to call free range eggs free range eggs."
My mind flew to a Woody Allen film called Bananas.
One he made in the early 1970's when a certain charismatic joy was still a part of his work.
Woody has helped a rebel group seize power in San Marcos, a small South American country.
The leader of the revolution whom Woody has helped is a Fidel wannabe. Following their ouster of the dictator, the rebel leader is making a speech to the people in the market square.
The great leader proclaims:
"From now on the official language of San Marcos will be Swedish."
He raises his hand and bellows:
But the crowd are only cheering in his head.
He continues his liberation speech:
"From now on all the men of San Marcos will wear women's underwear. And all the women will wear men's underwear. Underwear will be worn on the outside so we can check."
And the camera zooms in on Woody Allen.
Woody nudges the leader.
"I suppose we'll be holding elections soon?" says Woody.
"These people are peasants, they are too ignorant to vote," he answers.
Woody Allen looks shocked.
He murmurs directly to us:
"Power has driven him mad."
That's the European Union today.

Saturday, March 18, 2017

sparking dialogue

The hotel restaurant in Glendalough.
"How was your meal?" asks the Indonesian manageress.
"It wasn't bad. But I asked for vinegar."
 "I brought you vinegar."
"No there was no vinegar."
"I specifically put vinegar in the satchets container with the mayonaise, the brown sauce and the ketchup."
"I don't think you did."
"I defintely did. I remember you asking and so I made sure to put it there."
"I think you're mistaken."
She walked with me to the table, picked up the satchets container and extracted a satchet of vinegar.
"There," she said.
I looked at her most keenly.
We both knew what I was thinking.
I was thinking she'd managed a bait and switch as she picked up the container.
"I'm sorry you couldn't find it," she said.
"I suppose I would have found it if I'd searched through the forty other satchets," I replied.
Round about this time I began to suspect that Larry David is trying to kill me.

Friday, March 17, 2017

apologia pro odd stories mea

Sitting in a pew.
The church is quiet.
The bloke in front of me turns around.
I can see he has some sort of a handicap.
The ones with handicaps are normally the ones sent to teach lads like me who think they don't have handicaps.
"Have you ever met your guardian angel?"
"No," I tell him.
"I met one."
"Did you?"
"Yes I was on holiday in Europe and I was on my own. I was sitting on the train to Hamburg and wondering how I was ever going to find my hotel. A woman on the train saw me and helped me. She gave me all sorts of directions. Then she decided to accompany me to the hotel. She helped me with my baggage and all that. At the door of  the hotel I said to her that maybe I could help her get where she was going. She said: 'You're not ready to come with me yet.' I looked up the street and turned back to her. But she was gone."

Wednesday, March 15, 2017

an open letter to the irish people

At the height of an orchestrated anti Catholic media storm in the Republic of Ireland last week, replete with hand wringing journalists and politicians shedding crocodile tears, Independent Newspapers ran a headline claiming a "Chamber Of Horrors"had been discovered at a Victorian era care home.
The Independent was falsely implying that a burial ground at the home amounted to a chamber of horrors.
The story, recycled from a previous similar attempt a few years ago, was part of a renewed anti Christian pogrom, already well underway in the Irish Independent, the Irish Times and the broadcaster RTE, suggesting to the public that the existence of burial grounds at hundred year old orphanages implies murderous criminality on the part of the Catholic Church.
The rationale for these Irish Nazi newspaper groups is that if there's a graveyard at a Catholic Church run facility, then everyone in it must have been murdered.
This propaganda smear against the Church has been devised to make it difficult for any clear answer to be made. How do you answer such a generalised baseless invented insinuation of wrong doing against a broad unnamed swathe of the populace most of whom died decades ago.
None of us were there.
How can any of us confidently refute such random slanderous ascriptions of barbarism against our forefathers?
Clever, isn't it.
Invidious clever.
The media campaign has been designed to leave us scrambling to explain every corpse unearthed in every burial ground at every Victorian orphanage in Ireland.
This rings a bell.
This sort of incitement has been done before.
Not just in Nazi Germany.
The present Irish media slanders of our ancient church are in fact most likenable to Chairman Mao's Cultural Revolution campaign against the Four Olds in China fifty years ago.
Starting in 1966 Chairman Mao attempted to put blood on a new generation of Chinese who had not assisted in his earlier mass murders.
He feared that the younger generation would grow up free of his communist atheist evil.
He needed to make them as guilty as he was.
At a stroke Chairman Mao unleashed the young people of China to institute terror across his country.
Their targets were the Four Olds: old customs, old culture, old habits, and old ideas.
They randomly killed and tortured their parents, their teachers and the older generation.
Millions died and were maimed.
Their main weapon though was not violence but vilification.
Systemic vilification lasting years if the person survived.
That is the weapon being used in Ireland today to stampede the people away from the ancient Church.
Parents are vilified.
The past generations are vilified.
The Church is vilified.
Faith is vilified.
This is a Cultural Revolution.
With regard to the basic methodology of vilification, the only difference between the Cutltural Revolution in Ireland and the one in China is that ours has lasted longer.
Chairman Mao died in 1976 and his institutionalised psychopathy juddered to a halt.
A shocked China drew breath and began to back away from the abyss of madness.
It had lasted just ten years.
In Ireland, Independent Newspapers, the Irish Times, and RTE have cheer-led a systemic vilification of the Catholic Church directed from the shadows of parliament, the Civil Service and the Judiciary, which is now entering its fifth decade.
That's fifty years of non stop slander, vilification, inuendo, presumption of guilt, manipulation, humiliation and outright lies.
In spite of their apparent successes, their greatest fear remains that the younger generation will not share their detestation of the ancient Church.
That is the rationale for this week's revival of the Victorian graveyards shakedown slander scam.
By smearing the past through a lens of hatred, they seek to blind us once more to the downfall of civilisation which they are engineering today.
And it is the young whom Independent Newspapers wish to inculcate particularly with this maniacal hatred of our heritage.
Everything that came before is vilified by these charlatans.
A perpetual glare of detestation is focussed on the past.
All so that we will not notice the present.
All so we'll acquiesce to the culture of death.
All so we'll surrender to abortion, euthanasia, assisted suicide, mutilating sex change operations which don't actually work, life being generated and destroyed in test tubes, a populace sedated with pharmaceutical poisons, young people being disrupted by a constant barrage of hyper sexualised imagery, and a remote ruling pseudo elite that tells us there's no God and no point in resisting.
All so we'll die to our very souls without a fight.
Independent Newspapers, the Irish Times and RTE are lynchpins in this gambit, playing the part of megaphones for what is essentially an Irish Cultural Revolution on Maoist lines and using Maoist strategies.
They issue blanket accusations of murder at care facilities against the past generations and against our beautiful Church, confident in the notion that the Irish people have forgotten the tuberculosis epidemics of the 1920's; Wholly assured that the Irish people will not readily recall that there was starvation in Ireland as recently as the 1930's when then Prime Minister Eamon DeValera attempted to starve out the British Empire in an economic war and ended up starving us instead; And absolutely maliciously confident in their vilest triumphalisms that the platform of their State funded media groups can slander any opposition into silence.
The intent of the present media orchestrated pogroms is to marginalise the church and put her on a permanently defensive position.
Do not accept this.
Fight them.
Join me.
James Healy

today they said

Colette Brown writing in the Irish Independent newspaper: "(The) Church's priority isn't reprentance for sins - it is keeping its assets... It is time for (government) ministers to stop crawling to religious orders imploring them to do the right thing. It's time to exert some influence and build a wall between Church and State."

James Healy: "The wall I want built is between the State and Independent Newspapers. My concern is that Prime Minister Enda Kenny having nationalised Allied Irish Banks using public money, then allowed Allied Irish Banks to cancel Independent Newspapers' billion dollar debts. My concern is further that Prime Minister Enda Kenny's government has failed to take action against the billionaire proprietor of Independent Newspapers Denis O'Brien who has been found guilty by a Judicial Enquiry of bribing one time government minister Michael Lowry to obtain mobile phone service provision contracts for the Republic of Ireland dirt cheap. It was these criminally obtained mobile phone service provision contracts which provided the source of Denis O'Brien's billion dollar fortune, the same fortune that our government and Prime Minister did not touch when mandating the cancellation of Denis O'Brien's newspaper group's billion dollar debts to Allied Irish Banks. I am further concerned that our government is providing invisible funding to Independent Newspapers through unnecessary State advertising and through the improper awarding of publication contracts to Independent Newspapers to produce Irish language newspapers that nobody reads. My main concern in all this, is that these criminal collusions between Prime Minister Enda Kenny's government and Independent Newspapers and its billionaire proprietor Denis O'Brien, force me as a citizen to finance Colette Brown's pseudo intellectual bigot war against the Christian faith in the pages of the Irish Independent newspaper which according to its own official statistics lost ten thousand readers a day last year.. I protest about the invidiousness of my government forcing me to finance a bigot war against my church, as I protest also about the incitements to hatred which Miss Brown is passing off as commentary at my expense, ie through tax payer funding of her employer. Let's build a wall between Independent Newspapers and the State. Let's allow Independent Newspapers to sink or swim based on public support for its business model. And let's watch them sink giggling beneath the waves."

Saturday, March 11, 2017

idea for a novelty music video in aid of charity

The song is a parody of Park Life which was originally recorded by a British music combo styling themselves Blur. Our song is called Star Trek. A lot of the song is spoken rhythmically like the original. Proceeds raised from the video will be donated to Save The Feldwebels.

Actor With Appealing Cockney Voice:
"Confidence is a preference
Over armchair indolence
For most starship captains

Blur Blokes (chanting):
"Star Trek"

Cockney voice:
"Overacting is nothing shameful
Although some of these plots are quite a handful
It's more or less what we aim for
In what is known as..."

"Star Trek"

Blokes sing Chorus:
"All the Klingons
So many Klingons
They all go round and round
Round and round in their
Star Trek"

Cockney voice:
"Captain Picard is making his way home
Through the neutral zone
Keeping a wary eye out for  Romulan Warbirds
They love a piece of him..."

"All the plot twists
So many plot twists
And time travel is impossible
So most of it is pure nonsense
In this
Star Trek"

Cockney voice:
"It's not about your magnificent silken clad thighed women crew members in incredibly short skirts, you know
Or your phasers
Or your transporters
Or your tractor beams
Or any thing else that's a plot staple but like time travel actually impossible
And it's not about those famous recurring plot themes
Which go round and round and round..."

"All the captains
So many captains
And nobody remembers any of them
Except Captain Picard and William Shatner
In their
Star Treks"

Cockney Voice:
"And it's not about those recurring evil villains
Who every week are thinly veiled depictions of each other
Or thinly veiled depictions of God
Where God is an alien
Or a super computer
Or something else ungodly
Which villains and plot themes recurred basically because the owner of Star Trek Gene Roddenberry
No disrespect
Believed more in drugs than in the creator of the universe"

"All the Klingons
And occasional Romulans
And hanger ons
And all their also rans
All all overact
In their
Star Trek"

Cockney voice:
"William Shatner considers himself a very good looking man
In spite of the fact that he wears a wig
And a bra to hold in his body
(Shouting) You should cut down on your Pork Trek mate
Captain Jean Luc Picard on the other hand
Goes for a more minimalist look
He says it once
He says it loud
I'm bald and I'm proud"

"All the film versions
So many film versions
But there was only one that came close
To the zestful entertaining self confident idiocy of the TV series
Which was Wrath Of Khan
Which i freely admit
Was nearly a good
A good
Star Trek"

Voices and Music fading out:
"Doo dooo, nerdle nerdle nerrrr
Star Trek
Doo doo, nerdle nerdle nerdle nerrrrr
Star Trek"