The Heelers Diaries

the fantasy world of ireland's greatest living poet

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Location: Kilcullen (Phone 087 7790766), County Kildare, Ireland

Sunday, December 04, 2016

an open letter to the government of the islamic republic of iran

I've just been looking at President Trump's cabinet appointments.
The salient clue is in the name of his Defence Secretary, General Mad Dog Mattis.
For forty years you have been threatening the world.
I guess the party's over.
Honest to goodness if I were you, I'd at least stop driving your speedboats up to American warships in an attempt to provoke them.
Someone might get hurt.

today they said

Gerry Adams (leader of the Sinn Fein political party): "It makes no sense for Austin Stack to say he didn't tell me the names. Why would he meet me to ask me to arrange a meeting with people whose names he wouldn't tell me? Be serious."

James Healy: "Well since he knew, as we all know, that you are an IRA godfather, it was reasonable for him and for the rest of us to believe that you would know the names of the men deputed by your IRA drug dealing terrorist mafia to kill his father."

Background: Prison Officer Brian Stack was murdered by the IRA in 1983. Gerry Adams who leads the IRA's proxies Sinn Fein in the Irish parliament, says he has passed on to the police, the names of four men possibly linked to the killing. Mr Adams maintains that the names of the men were given to him by Brian Stack's son Austin. Austin Stack says he gave Gerry Adams no names.

ireland under the gaelers

1. An 18 year old girl called Kim Owens has been badly beaten in an attack in the town of Maynooth near where I live. The police are being disingenuous about the full extent of her injuries. No one has been caught.

2. A 37 year old woman called Simone Lee has been beaten, stabbed and tortured with acid in Limerick. Police caught the man who did it, interviewed hm, and SET HIM FREE.

3. The Irish police force has obtained yet another pay rise since their admitted pay scale (the true scale is higher) of 1300 Euro a week was not enough for them.

4. Judge Melanie Greally has released a Muslim man without jail time who stabbed another Muslim man in the head in Dublin. Judge Melanie Greally's understanding of the law apparently means it's legal to stab someone in the head in Ireland.

5. Judge Desmond Zaidan issued a warrant for the arrest of a private citizen accused of driving at 35 miles per hour in a 30 mile an hour zone. The private citizen Claire Daly also happened to be a member of parliament. She's a sort of left wing loon extremist abortionist anti American pro Palestine socialist woooooorker who is currently in a relationship with another parliamentarian of similar stripe called Mick Wallace. Mr Wallace owes gang banger banks 50 million dollars and yet managed to be elected to parliament in the rotten borough of Wexford on an anti corruption ticket. These people are not my normal bed fellows. I've never met Claire Daly although she dines occasionally at the Chat And Chew restaurant in Newbridge where I also dine. People tell me Claire Daly is nice. I disagree with her political views and I might guess she would be scandalised by mine. But she is a citizen of the Republic of Ireland and an attack upon her is an attack upon all of us. Judge Zaidan's treatment of her is not just shabby, it amounts to an assault upon Irish democracy itself. Consider this. Claire Daly was summonsed to court for a speeding fine. Normally there is no requirement to attend court in these cases. If you're not there, you're found guilty and fined. Summonses for speeding fines up until very recently, were not even issued in Ireland unless you exceeded the limit by twelve miles per hour. So the procedures adopted in dealing with Claire Daly in this case are in my view doubly egregious, in that firstly the fine should never have issued, and secondly she should never have been expected to attend court even if a fine was issued. Claire Daly did actually attend the court where her case was to be heard. Her case had been listed number 188, that is to say last of 188 cases to be heard by Judge Zaidan that day. I suggest that this listing was a deliberately contrived and illegal inconveniencing of Claire Daly by elements within the police and the courts services. On the day of the court, Claire Daly eventually left the courtroom, having instructed her lawyer to inform the Judge of her plea of guilty to driving at 35 miles an hour in a 30 mile an hour zone, should the case be called. As the court was due to close, Judge Zaidan had reached case 155. In what I consider yet another illegal manoeuvre deliberately and disgracefully targetting Claire Daly, Judge Zaidan skipped the remaining twelve cases and called Claire Daly's case. He then announced that her absence from court was an act of disrespect to the court and issued a warrant for her arrest. At a subsequent court hearing, there was more shenanigans with a host of other cases being sent to another court in order, (illegally in my view) to allow Zaidan to deal with Claire Daly. Again his attitude to her was one of calculated disrespect, telling her to "sit up straight" and refusing to allow her to state her case. I believe his fining of her was also illegal in these circumstances. But the fine is not he point. The punishment was the process. What Zaidan did to Claire Daly was a deliberate attempt to humiliate a citizen precisely because she was also a member of parliament. Zaidan continues as a Judge without my consent. I suggest we elect our Judges from now on to make this sort of scoundrel behaviour less tenable. I would ask you to note the recent statistic regarding sentencing and drug crime, published in the Irish Times last week. By law Irish Judges are compelled to give minimum ten year sentences to drug dealers, the Judges have in fact bestowed such sentences in only three percent of cases and are letting the vast majority of known drug dealers off with a slap on the wrist.

6. Corrupt former government minister Alan Shatter has used the courts to overturn an official report into his corruption.

7. White collar criminal Denis O'Brien has put parliament on trial for commenting on his corruptions. The billionaire Fine Gael financier is using the courts to try and silence his critics in parliament. You couldn't make it up.

8. The Irish parliament has just approved a law legalising cannabis for medicinal use. The law will overnight allow the IRA mafia and its associates in Al Qaeda, the Triads, the Russian mafia and Cosa Nostra, to turn their dirty money into clean money. The law was introduced to parliament by Gino Kenny who represents a left wing alliance which has been infiltrated by the IRA. In the run up to the passage of the law, which was passed without a vote by the way, we saw some of the shoddiest journalism in the history of the bankrupt Irish Times and Independent newspaper groups. A woman claimed her daughter's seizures were being helped by cannabis use. Her claims were printed without any questioning of their veracity. There was no medical monitoring of the child before or after the administration of cannabis to her. There was no peer review of the claimed alleviation of seizures. What the Irish Times and the Irish Independent failed to consider is the fact that there are some parents who would prostitute their children for a million dollars. The IRA's drug trade in Ireland is a multi billion dollar trade.

9. The IRA's drug dealing skang gangs (The Kinahans. the Hutch Gang, the Rattigans et al) are continuing their turf wars in the run up to Christmas. We've had another mobster slaughtered in Dublin this week. Prime Minister Enda Kenny says it could take years to sort out the gangs. Meanwhile people in the gang infested suburb of Clondalkin say they are afraid to walk out of doors. They don't have years Prime Minister. Fix this.

10. Ireland's largest trade union federation the ICTU which is controlled by IRA rackateers, announced in November that Ireland must take hundreds of Muslim immigrants from a French squatter camp which the French are closing down. Hilarious isn't it. The brave comrades of the Rah, telling us who we must allow to live in our country.

11. Typically vague reports are emerging of an enquiry into the actions of a vicious and evil doctor who among other criminal acts attempted to murder a baby she was delivering at a Sligo hospital and then attempted to murder the mother of the baby on the operating table. The reports of the Irish Medical Council enquiry are quite clinical. Doctors who witnessed her behaviour seem reluctant to make any specific allegation regarding what looks like her blatant attempts to kill two people. They keep describing her actions as "astonishing." Bless their innocence. But of course this murderous psychopath has previous. That is to say following her previous misadventures with patients, she was the subject of previous discreetly held hearings by those sensitive plants at the Irish Medical Council. Their motto should be: "We never accuse a doctor of anything." After their previous hearings the Irish Medical Council had allowed the murderous maniac to continue practicing medicine "under certain conditions" and with "supervision" in spite of her known penchant for trying to kill her patients. This person should be facing a court of law. She should be incarcerated permanently or executed. The courts should not be wasting their time harassing Claire Daly. Can you hear me Zaidan. A second psycho doctor facing the thoroughly civilised investigational processes of the Irish Medical Council, has a similar penchant for harming his patients and has had similar good fortune in being continually rehired by Irish Health Boards every time an enquiry discreetly recommends his dismissal. Again the police should be involved. But maybe they're busy planning their next pay claim and strike action.

12. There you go bold readers. So stands compassionate Fine Gaeler Ireland now. The Gaelers have legalised abortion and hell has followed with them. We've got psycho doctors violating and killing patients and being allowed to continue working. We've got Zaidan throwing the book at a member of parliament thereby incepting a system of jurisprudence that eludes coherent rationale but is at every level vile. We've got psychos wandering around dismantling women in our streets. We've got an overpaid police force setting the psychos free when they occasionally do catch one of them. We've got mob controlled trade unions extorting ever increasing remuneration for an indolent phalanx of State employees, including nurses, teachers, transport workers, and employees of the electricity company. We've got the same rackateer controlled unions defining immigration law. We've got the IRA and its associated mafias dealing drugs into every school, every town, every village, every community in Ireland. We've got white collar criminals like Alan Shatter and Denis O'Brien putting the law and free speech itself on trial every time anyone tries to discuss the scope of their criminality. We've got the legalisation of cannabis, a first step towards the legalisation of gangland generally. We've got an ever growing fifth column of Muslim gangs and Jihadis. And they're all of them, all of them sure, we'll never unite to put a stop to them.

Friday, December 02, 2016


A children's home called Haut La Garenne on the island of Jersey is under investigation.
Allegations have emerged of serial sexual abuse, ritual violations, rapes and murders, taking place at the home.
The large number of allegations along with several other items of evidentiary information which have come into the public domain, point to many decades of violation, abuse, rape and murder of children at Haut La Garenne.
My analysis is that Haut La Garenne was used by a satanic cult for the ritual abuse of children.
My analysis is that this cult involves many levels of society on the island of Jersey, including political and law enforcement figures as well as prominent members of the business community.
I am disquieted by the manner in which the investigation is being handled.
I am disquieted that all members of staff who have at any time worked at Haut La Garenne have not been arrested, detained and interrogated.
I am disquieted that the senior officer investigating the case has been removed from the investigation.
I am disquieted at the manner in which the new senior officer investigating the case has dismissed many of the more serious allegations.
I do not believe the current investigators are seeking the truth.
I call on all men and women of good will to boycott the island of Jersey.
I call on all men and women of good will to boycott the products, people, industries, and holday resorts of the island of Jersey.
I call on all fund managers, investment comptrollers, and banking executives to divest immediately from the island of Jersey.
I call on Teresa May Prime Minister of Great Britain to take personal responsibility for the investigation.
I call on Queen Elizabeth the Second to intervene directly in this case, so that the murdered, raped, violated and ritually sacrificed children of Haut La Garenne will at last receive some form of justice.
There is no excuse for acquiescing in the child murders, rapes, ritual satanic sacrifices and sundry other tortures and violations, which have taken place at Haut La Garenne on the island of Jersey before the eyes of the world.
End this.
Bring the murderers to account.
Do it England.


in the pool of evening
quick silver
ripples widening

cold water thing
risen to exult
in some unthinking imagining
ordinary is wonder enough

what do fishes dream

Wednesday, November 30, 2016

hell hath no fury like a biscuit nun scorned

"Sheila Clunes doesn't like me," said Uncle Throg.
"That's because she's a bitch," I answered knowledgeably.
"She's rude to me at the prayer group," sez he.
 "That's because your prayer group is an IRA coven," I elaborate opaquely.
"The worst of it is I think she's a nun," expostulateth he.
"She's an ex nun," quoth me canon lawily.
"Why did she leave?" sez he.
"Well," sez me, "in the Catholic tradition nuns are considered to be married to God. Sheila Clunes decided it wasn't working out and told God she wanted a divorce. She sued the Almighty for neglect and spousal abuse, claiming he stole Bridge Club biscuits, that he was never home, and that he failed to contribute in a meaningful way to the relationship. Oh and she accused him of seeing other nuns and not believing her made up stories about miracles. She's hoping the courts will award her half of the universe in compensation. That's the word on the street anyway. Personally I don't believe any of it. I bet it's God suing her for divorce rather than the other way around. There's only so much one deity can take."
"Actually James, she claimed you stole Bridge Club biscuits."
"Oh. Yeah. I'm mixing myself up with God again. I do that sometimes. But don't worry about the divorce. God probably had a pre nup. She'll get nothing."

Tuesday, November 29, 2016


december light
grey mist
pavements glistening with a touch of frost
christmas close but not yet
passers by scurrying in scarves and coats
shop windows glowing
seasonal good cheer
poetry in the early onset of evening
little birds with their feathers fluffed for warmth
craggy doubters believing for once
coffee brewed to a froth
allison humming something about love
heaven and earth are closer than they appear
all the promises of god are true

was the daily mirror newspaper group morally capable of framing deceased broadcaster jimmy savile for child abuse

The following information may be relevant to our considerations.
The Daily Mirror has in the past year been ordered to pay a total of 1.6 million Euros to eight individuals whose phones it hacked.
The eight individuals who are to be compensated by the Mirror are: air hostess Lauren Alcorn, actress Sadie Frost, footballer Paul Gascoigne, BBC Executive Alan Yentob, TV Producer Robert Ashworth, and soap opera actors Shobna Gulati, Lucy Taggert and Shane Ritchie.
Paul Gascoigne informed the court that the Daily Mirror's spying efforts had driven him into a spiral of paranoia and alcoholism.
British Judge Mary Arden in making the awards against the Mirror Group accused the newspaper of "disgraceful conduct."
Another hundred private citizens are preparing to sue the Mirror Group whose holding company is known as Trinity Mirror.
I would suggest that the salient difference between all these people and Jimmy Savile is that these people were still alive when the Daily Mirror attempted to destroy them in order to shore up its bankrupt newspaper group.
The Mirror Group has now set aside a further 56 million Euro for ongoing claims from members of the public whose phones were hacked and whose reputations were slandered by the Daily Mirror and its employees.

Monday, November 28, 2016

true greatness and its apposites

Coffee in the Tearman cafe with cousin Hector the church organist.
His power struggle over the organ in Kilcullen church with Mrs Von Horst the organ mistress is on hiatus.
It must be.
He's still alive.
Today he is reminiscing about his musical training in Newbridge College.
He had been taught by the now deceased Henry Flanagan, a priest with a formidable reputation as a sculptor and choir master.
Not a fan myself you understand.
Father F's sculptings always look a bit too chunky for me.
And his expulsion of me from the Newbridge College choir try outs of 1978 was precipitous in the extreme.
I'd barely warbled two notes when he said: "Thank you little boy, that will be all."
But there's them that thinks he's great.
"You know he taught Christy Moore as well," recalls Hector. "I remember Father Flanagan saying about Christy that he was the most promising musician he'd ever encountered but somewhere he took a wrong turn and all was lost."
I digest this reminiscence.
I find it most quaint.
Christy Moore gentle readers is Ireland's most famous living folk singer and song writer.
Father F's comment reminds me of the old gag footballer George Best used to tell about himself.
George would recall sitting on a bed in one of London's top hotels with a hundred thousand dollars scattered around the room which he'd just won at a casino.
A rather comely Miss World, one Mary Stavin, was also sitting on the bed.
The hotel room service porter was leaving champagne on the table.
The porter looked around the room sadly, taking in the scattered bank notes and Mary Stavin with equal diffidence.
"Where did it all go wrong George?" he wondered.

the muscovian candidate

The postulation regarding a fixed American election functions as follows.

1. Julian Assange's Wikileaks website, a proxy for the Russian government, along with other Russian proxy websites, selectively leak extracts from Hillary Clinton's emails in the run up to the election depressing her overall support by several percentage points at key moments in the campaign. Assange and the Russians cannot collapse Clinton's support but they can make it an easier job to steal enough votes to beat her.

2. The mafia and their Teamsters union operatives who normally lean Democrat, lean Trump in this election because of Mr Trump's known mafia associations in New York, Atlantic City and Nevada. What fixing they can do, they do do, on his behalf.

3. Russian computer hackers (or mafia ones or others) use software programmes and possibly additional unknown manual methods involving corrupted poll supervisers to alter results in several constituencies. The hackers steal votes for Mr Trump simply by hacking into the tabular results programmes in local constituencies, enough to push Trump to victory in Michigan, Wisconsin and Pensylvania. Most of the precincts in these States will not be altered. There will be no fraud across more than 90 percent of tallies in these States. The hackers will steal just enough votes from essentially unverifiable and untraceable computer based ballots in the remotest precincts, to give the overall numerical win in the three targeted States to Mr Trump.

Sunday, November 27, 2016

hence wilt thou lift up a cup of coffee

Quaffing coffees in the Tearman cafe with Uncle Scutch and my second cousin once removed Hector.
I use the term second cousin once removed advisedly.
It means Hector was once removed from a pub for insisting on talking to the other patrons  (Denizens surely? - ed note) about organ music.
He's talking about the same thing now.
For Hector is an organist who brings his work into pubs and cafes with him.
The Uncle and I listen nonplussed as he discourses.
Neither of us are huge organ music fans.
And if you don't like the music, a conversation about the music is unlikely to float your boat.
Maybe if Donald Trump banned organs I could work up a bit of enthusiasm for the subject.
My eyes are a bit glazed.
Hector pauses, suspicious that we're not listening.
"Organ music is like fine wine," I comment intelligently. "Ninety percent of the population know nothing about it and have no interest in knowing."
I am saved from Hector's response by the clinking of the cafe door.
Ninety year old Mrs Von Horst and her entourage of trained old ladies enter and occupy a table near us.
They can kill you at fifty paces with a blow of their tongues.
(One of mine? - Basil Fawlty note)
(Homage - Heelers note)
There is an awkward silence.
Hector looks extremely uncomfortable.
"What's going on?" says Uncle Scutch.
"Hector and Mrs Von Horst are in a power struggle over the church organ," I explain.
Uncle Scutch looks at Hector who is studying the view from the window.
"That's the silliest thing I've ever heard," says Uncle Scutch. "They're not really fighting over the organ, are they? That would be like two bald men fighting over a comb."
"You underestimate the stakes at issue," I elaborate. "Who controls the organ, controls the choir loft. Who controls the choir loft controls Rome. Who controls Rome controls the world."
"Are you really fighting with Mrs Von Horst?" says Uncle Scutch to Hector.
Hector nods.
"I'm not sure I want to be seen with you," grumbles Uncle Scutch as the little old ladies from Transylvania continue to stare us down.
You should visit my town bold readers.
It's strange here.
You'll like it.

from our autumn schedules

A coolo American voice announces:
"Bendedict the Sixteenth was a Pope. And a good one. But he was framed for incompetence by other Prelates, turned bad; Prelates who orchestrated a coup within the Catholic Church using left wing free masonic Jesuits (I mean I don't want to go casting no aspoyshuns) and set Benedict up to take the fall."
Camera cuts to a desert landscape. Pope Benedict looking super bad ass rides down the highway out of the sun on a motor bike tuned to roar. There is a gold medallion glittering on his chest. He's being played by Lorenzo Lamas as per our usual sledge hammer subtle satire arrangement.
The coolo narrator voice continues:
"Now he patrols the badlands, an outlaw hunting other outlaws, a warrior, a loner, a.... Pope Emeritus."
Coolo American music, in fact the classic Renegade theme, kicks in:
"Ner ner ner nerdle ner ner ner ner ner,
Nerdle ner ner."


Pope Emeritus = Catholic church jargon for a Renegade.

Monday, November 21, 2016

british secret agent faces charges of harassment from femmes fatales

Major news networks are reporting multiple accusations tonight of sexual harassment against veteran British secret service agent James Bond.
A class action lawsuit for over a dozen women is being filed in a United States court by attorney Gloria Allred who is representing the score settling gold diggers and seeking to profit from their frivolous claims.
"These women are not score settling gold diggers," Miss Allred told CNN, ABC, NBC, CBS and anyone else who would listen. "They are victims and they are entitled to a hearing. They are entitled to destroy any reputation in order to obtain cash and publicity. They are entitled to contrive untestable allegations based on tenuous acquaintanceships going back decades. If the Murdocks can do it to deceased broadcaster Jimmy Savile in order to distract attention from the Leveson Enquiry's existential threat to their phone tapping, police bribing activities at News Corp International, then the sky's the limit. This is the law and you'd better get used to it. Everybody else is doing it so why can't we. For years my clients have kept silent while James Bond swanned around the world with his inuendos and his libido. He got his and now we're going to get ours. It's payback time. James Bond is an affront to all women. Sexual harassment  is a crime even against characters in a Hollywood movie. The British secret service must make restitution to my imaginary clients."
Some of the allegations are believed to go back to the 1960's at least as far as the movie Goldfinger.
"It's remarkable how much money can be made from an opportunistic allegation of harassment retrospectively alleged for cash and or revenge," mused Miss Allred. "I'm starting with Pussy Galore in Goldfinger. James Bond deliberately interpreted her name in a sexual and smutty way putting my client under extreme pressure to perform sex acts with him by throwing her in the hay and sitting on her."
Miss Allred was flanked at the press conference by several of the litigants.
"James Bond looked at me with his eyes," wept Pussy Galore weepingly. "And the way he said Pussy. Pooo Seee. Poooo Seeeee. It was very suggestive as well as being incomprehensible. I felt so violated. If Gretchen Carlson can get twenty million from Fox News after being dropped by the channel, simply by saying Roger Ailes asked her out, that sounds good to me. I want my share. I want in on that hot twenty million dollars for bogus score settling claims action. Since I've never met Roger Ailes, I suppose it will have to be Roger Moore, Or whoever was playing Bond at the time. Connery was it? I forget. Gimme da money. Gimme da money."
Xenia Onatop from Goldeneye had a similar experience.
"James Bond seemed to think my name was some sort of invitation," she claimed. "His attitude was sexist in the extreme. His interpretation of my name as an invitation was solely because I am a woman. You don't see people treating Wolf Blitzer of CNN as though he was a wolf or a German military strategy. James Bond threatened me. He made me feel threatened. He threatened me by (Insert Imaginary Threat here). Well, it's as much a threat as Donald Trump supposedly telling Megyn Kelly of Fox News that if she wasn't careful he'd mention her on Twitter, and Megyn Kelly is dining out on that baloney. Threats are in the eye of the beholder as Megyn Kelly might put it. I want my moment in the sun. Checque please."
Chinese temptress Graba Maititz from the forthcoming Bond film The Spy Who Massaged My Thighs currently being scripted by James Healy, has thrown her mammaries into the ring with a law suit in advance of the film even being made.
"Oh boo hoo hoo," she informed reporters cryptically. "I want money. You know that yet another Fox News employee, Laurie Luhn is claiming to have been harassed by Roger Ailes while they were having sex for twenty years. I mean she slept with him for twenty years and now wants revenge or a retirement nest egg, so she's coming out with these standard bogus claims from central casting. The point is these allegations are sure fire winners for vengeful spurned mistresses everywhere. I'm like Laurie Luhn. Look, I can cry for the camera too. Well nearly. I can do a fake tearful voice like hers. There you go. I'm really like her.  Just less subtle. And more fictional. I feel so vulnerable. Twenty million dollars will not ease the pain but it will buy me houses and cars. I'll allege anything. Oh boo hoo hoo. I feel so violated."
The Head of the British secret service has issued a carefully worded statement on the fictional femmes fatales' putative lawsuits through lawyers.
"These claims have no merit whatsover," M said. "So we intend to settle out of court to avoid negative publicity. Forty million dollars each should do it. "