The Heelers Diaries

the fantasy world of ireland's greatest living poet

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Location: Kilcullen (Phone 087 7790766), County Kildare, Ireland

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

keeel bont

Sitting in the front room at the old chateau with the Mammy and Paddy Pup.
A James Bond film has just started on the television.
It features an oddly zestfully politically incorrect opening scene.
James Bond, played by Roger Moore is leaving flowers in a graveyard.
We see that the grave is that of his wife, the one played by Diana Rigg in the oddly good 1969 pre Rodge movie where Bond was played by the Australian George Lazenby.
Rodge stands at his wife's grave a moment.
A Padre approaches and tells him that Bond's office has phoned that they are sending a helicopter to collect him.
A helicopter arrives and picks up Rodge.
Rodge glances out the window and sees the Padre blessing him solemnly.
It seems the Padre has a premonition that trouble is ahead.
The pilot of the helicopter is then electrocuted by remote control.
The electrocutor is Bond's old nemesis Ernst Stavro Blofeld who we see sitting in a wheelchair on top of a London factory building nearby, with a spectacular silver grey furry white cat on his knee, now controlling the helicopter using the aforementioned remote,
Blofeld is controlling the helicopter, I mean, not the cat.
The cat by the way is a damn fine actor.
(Really. I liked the cat.)
So Blofeld is controlling the helicopter via remote
He is also mocking Rodge through some sort of radio system.
Rodge gets out of the rear seat of the helicopter, exits onto a helicopter strut, and gains entry to the front seat having first slung out the dead pilot.
He does this as Blofeld cackling madly all the while, sends the helicopter up, down, all over the sky, and careening precariously among industrial buildings.
Rodge shorts out the circuit board on the helicopter control panel thus rather improbably regaining control of the aircraft which has been directed by Blofeld into the interior of a factory and is about to hit a wall.
Blofeld's cat delivers a great line as Rodge regains control of the aircraft.
The cat goes: "Reeargh."
Now Rodge flies it back to the roof where he's seen Blofeld and his cat.
He flies towards Blofeld and scoops him up still in his wheelchair on the helicopter strut.
The cat escapes and may return in a later movie.
As the helicopter flies high, Blofeld is panicking.
He offers to make a deal.
Rodge leans out the window and slaps his bald head.
Rodge says: "Keep your hair on." (And somewhere the ghost of Benny Hill is smiling.)
Then he flies the helicopter over a huge industrial chimney stack and tips it downwards so that wheelchair and Blofeld are deposited into the blackness.
Blofeld's last words are: "Meeesthair Bontttttttttttttttttt..."

The Mammy and I watch this scene in an odd admixture of horror and fascination.
Paddy Pup meanwhile noses a handkerchief from the Mammy's lap and departs into the hall.
"You're an anarchist dog," I call after him.
And ain't it the truth!


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