soul wars
Desolate of soul.
Feeling completely defeated.
I cannot even begin to see the possibility of victory.
A suppurating spiritual malaise struck me yesterday just hours after the last of my physical sicknesses departed.
Yes folks.
For the first nine months of the year I've been bouncing around between various fascinating illnesses, debilitations and maladies.
Nothing as serious as some of you who visit this Diary have experienced.
But serious enough for me.
My first ever experiences of ill health.
Sometimes I couldn't walk.
Sometimes I couldn't sit up.
Sometimes I couldn't open my mouth without shouting in pain.
During all that time I experienced a closeness to God that was unprecedented.
I had never been weaker in body.
But I have never ever been stronger in spirit.
And get this.
Now all the physical ailments have left me.
Completely.
And hours later.
This overwhelming feeling of hopelessness and defeat.
I knew again that I was facing spiritual warfare.
Somewhat ruefully I recalled the Lord's one liner about the evil spirit that is cast out, going to live in a dry and waterless place, and then deciding to return to the home it had before, only this time bringing more evil spirits back with it for company.
I had thought my spiritual victories might be durable.
That I would never have to fight these battles again.
But here I am.
Beginning again.
Right at the bottom.
As if nothing had been achieved.
In this mood I went to bed.
I dreamt.
In the dream I was without bodily or spiritual strength.
Two angelic beings stood either side of me, caught my arms, and flew upwards with me towards heaven.
My body was without any power of its own but I was flying.
It was a pleasant sensation.
A golden light enfolded us.
Then I was back at home.
Not awake yet.
Still dreaming.
There was a third angel in the kitchen.
This angel was an American actor.
In life he had starred in a Hollywood film version of a famous novel.
I said: "You were in the film based on that book."
He said: "The film was better than the book."
He then asked me what I thought about flying with the angels.
I said: "The real problem is, I don't know if I'm saved or not."
Then I woke.
I awoke for real.
Dream over.
It was morning in the world.
I lay there thinking.
I wasn't sure if the dream was just a dream, or from God.
I prayed aloud: "God if there's something in there that you want me to understand, my heart is open."
No immediate answer.
Just that sensation of serenity which can imply something has come your way from the forces of good.
The doorbell rang.
A jangling discordant disruptive ring.
It was a most unpleasant sound.
Something about it was not right.
I sat up and waited.
The ringing went on for five minutes.
Then it was replaced by heavy knocking.
I felt no inclination to answer the door.
After another five minutes of heavy knocking accompanied by Paddy Pup barking the place down, I heard a car door slamming.
I looked out the window.
It was a police officer who has a bad reputation among many people in this area.
A very bad reputation.
There is a touch of the night about him.
He drove out of the garden at speed.
Strange.
The police would know that my eighty year old parents live in this house.
The ringing and hammering at the door was inappropriate in the extreme.
It was inappropriate anyway, eighty year olds or not.
Of course the two OAP's had slept through everything.
Later in the day I was sitting with a coffee at the Costa Cafe in Newbridge.
The dream was going through my head.
It was making me smile.
The sensation of the angels carrying me towards heaven was still quite immediate.
Even here in broad daylight surrounded by all these afternoon shoppers, I could feel the sense of peace.
Maybe I could understand a little.
Even if we are utterly deprived of physical and spiritual strength, the Lord will not permit us to be lost. He will will see to it that we are uplifted by angels.
Not just as a metaphor.
Not just a dream.
But for real.
A thought struck me.
Last night at my moment of greatest weakness God sent two angels to show me his light.
Another thought.
In the morning Satan sent an angel of his own to try to steal the victory.
Feeling completely defeated.
I cannot even begin to see the possibility of victory.
A suppurating spiritual malaise struck me yesterday just hours after the last of my physical sicknesses departed.
Yes folks.
For the first nine months of the year I've been bouncing around between various fascinating illnesses, debilitations and maladies.
Nothing as serious as some of you who visit this Diary have experienced.
But serious enough for me.
My first ever experiences of ill health.
Sometimes I couldn't walk.
Sometimes I couldn't sit up.
Sometimes I couldn't open my mouth without shouting in pain.
During all that time I experienced a closeness to God that was unprecedented.
I had never been weaker in body.
But I have never ever been stronger in spirit.
And get this.
Now all the physical ailments have left me.
Completely.
And hours later.
This overwhelming feeling of hopelessness and defeat.
I knew again that I was facing spiritual warfare.
Somewhat ruefully I recalled the Lord's one liner about the evil spirit that is cast out, going to live in a dry and waterless place, and then deciding to return to the home it had before, only this time bringing more evil spirits back with it for company.
I had thought my spiritual victories might be durable.
That I would never have to fight these battles again.
But here I am.
Beginning again.
Right at the bottom.
As if nothing had been achieved.
In this mood I went to bed.
I dreamt.
In the dream I was without bodily or spiritual strength.
Two angelic beings stood either side of me, caught my arms, and flew upwards with me towards heaven.
My body was without any power of its own but I was flying.
It was a pleasant sensation.
A golden light enfolded us.
Then I was back at home.
Not awake yet.
Still dreaming.
There was a third angel in the kitchen.
This angel was an American actor.
In life he had starred in a Hollywood film version of a famous novel.
I said: "You were in the film based on that book."
He said: "The film was better than the book."
He then asked me what I thought about flying with the angels.
I said: "The real problem is, I don't know if I'm saved or not."
Then I woke.
I awoke for real.
Dream over.
It was morning in the world.
I lay there thinking.
I wasn't sure if the dream was just a dream, or from God.
I prayed aloud: "God if there's something in there that you want me to understand, my heart is open."
No immediate answer.
Just that sensation of serenity which can imply something has come your way from the forces of good.
The doorbell rang.
A jangling discordant disruptive ring.
It was a most unpleasant sound.
Something about it was not right.
I sat up and waited.
The ringing went on for five minutes.
Then it was replaced by heavy knocking.
I felt no inclination to answer the door.
After another five minutes of heavy knocking accompanied by Paddy Pup barking the place down, I heard a car door slamming.
I looked out the window.
It was a police officer who has a bad reputation among many people in this area.
A very bad reputation.
There is a touch of the night about him.
He drove out of the garden at speed.
Strange.
The police would know that my eighty year old parents live in this house.
The ringing and hammering at the door was inappropriate in the extreme.
It was inappropriate anyway, eighty year olds or not.
Of course the two OAP's had slept through everything.
Later in the day I was sitting with a coffee at the Costa Cafe in Newbridge.
The dream was going through my head.
It was making me smile.
The sensation of the angels carrying me towards heaven was still quite immediate.
Even here in broad daylight surrounded by all these afternoon shoppers, I could feel the sense of peace.
Maybe I could understand a little.
Even if we are utterly deprived of physical and spiritual strength, the Lord will not permit us to be lost. He will will see to it that we are uplifted by angels.
Not just as a metaphor.
Not just a dream.
But for real.
A thought struck me.
Last night at my moment of greatest weakness God sent two angels to show me his light.
Another thought.
In the morning Satan sent an angel of his own to try to steal the victory.
posted by heelers | 3:31 AM
6 Comments:
Of course the two angels were from god to comfort you.In order you not forget he made on an actor sure to catch your attention so you would remember.
There is evil everywhere. It's best not to look too much and keep your eyes on the ball. imho that is.:)
James,
I too go through very similar experiences. When I am battling my asthma and I am home-bound, I find such a closeness to my Lord. Just as Mother Angelica expresses in the book that was written about her life by Raymond Arroyo. She feels that her ailments have brought her closer to the Lord.
Just as I regain my energy and my desire to get back to work, that same odd emptiness starts to settle into my being. It subtle at first but then it seems to gain more and more ground by the day. As Mother Angelica states in her book, I too feel, that our illnesses remind us that, bottom line, God is our one and only source of life. When we regain our strength, our thoughts slowly become invaded by dependence on "man" and "worldly crutches" which draw us away from our maker, our creator, the infinite love source that created us in the depths of our mother's wombs.
Just think how blessed are we who have experienced illnesses that have enlightened us and made us aware of Love's Presence. Now we know the feeling, and we will keep searching for it. We have tasted an infintesimal piece of heaven. How many people go their entire lives without ever feeling that love and contentment. I believe that is part of "HIS Call". We are now called to pass that on and spread HIS love and HIS peace to the "ends of the earth". You are already doing that through your consistent, candid, yet spiritually based blog entries. Through you, God is slowly changing the face of the earth.
It is so awesome to read your entries. They so often mirror my own thoughts. God Bless You.
I saw Nelda yesterday, one week after her 3rd brain surgery. Everything went well, but now she is facing a procedure to freeze cancerous tumors that have formed in her kidneys. She is such an inspiration, and she now always includes you in our prayers. She never forgets anyone. You have become a part of our prayer group. We pray for you as an individual and we pray for the work you are doing through your pen/computer. Nelda is all about her fellow man. God Bless You Dear internet friend.
Robyn,
Thanks for praying for James. I appreciate that you're doing that.
Kat, Your insight appeals to me very much. And you would not believe the sense of satisfaction I got from finally figuring out the meaning of "imho!"
Robyn, I saw Raymond Arroyo's book in the Coop bookstore in Boston a while ago. I was fascinated to read that Mother Angelica had experienced what I call a "whap bang thud" miracle, meaning a really dramatic one. I love those and I love reading about them. Of course a spirit of discernment is always necessary in such considerations. Have you seen Randall Sullivan's book about Medjugorje? Your words today were a gift to me. A gift whose value deepens each time I savour them. Your prayers too. You know I will pray for you and Nelda before the divine mercy tonight. Give Nelda my warmest regards, if you would, and tell her I rejoice in her prayers. Try to do an Irish accent Robyn, when you're passing on my greetings!
Genevieve, you make my life complete!
James
Yes it's American internet trash talk :p
Your dream amused me. I've heard that god has a sense of humor. Now I must believe it because in your dream the humor part seemed to be tailor made.
K, imho on the qt asap o u no.
I can't do this at all.
J
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