newsflash

In a shock statement this morning President Barack Obama announced the immediate unilateral surrender of the United States of America to Al Qaeda.
"We've been fighting these guys for too long," President Obama told reporters. "The War On Terror was a mistake, just like the British Foreign Minister David Milipede told you. The real enemy is the former Administration of President Bush. Muslim warrior superheroes are our friends. From now on I will commit the full resources of the United States to pursuing President Bush. That is, if Al Qaeda will give me permission to do so. I will continue to release classified CIA interrogation records in order to sow the idea in the public mind that President Bush has sanctioned torture. I will do this regardless of the risk of further strengthening Al Qaeda whom I have grown to understand and love. I will do it regardless of the risk of weakening the legal cases against Al Qaeda detainees whom I want released anyway. After all, the Prime Minister of Ireland Brian Cowan has said he will permit Guantanamo bay terrorists to have Irish citizenship. I kid you not. So I'm refocusing our security efforts on calumniating and criminalising the Bush Administration. I have to do it because let's face it, if I don't go after President Bush, people are going to start looking at my own capabilities and capacities. I mean you can get by on flash over substance for only so long. President Bush and his Administration will ultimately be brought to book. I will put them on trial. I will lock them up and throw away the key. The alternative is that my own shortcomings would become common currency. I am a Chicago machine politician, elected on the votes of dead people and fictional people added to the voter rolls by the Acorn group and by the Teamsters mafiosi trade union. These are my people. These are my fellow Americans. These are the ones I serve. That is why you see me shaking hands with Hugo Chavez of Venezuela, the unrepentant thug dictator. Remember Chavez once called President Bush a devil. You gotta like that guy. Why wouldn't I shake hands with him? I don't care if he was up to his neck in the Farc. As for kowtowing to the Islamic Republic of Iran... You ain't seen nuthin yet. I'm a black Jimmy Carter. That's what I am. Wait till you see me abandon the State of Israel and hand over Europe to the Russians. I'm only warming up. But I gotta keep calling President Bush a war criminal. Because otherwise my own crass incompetence might become the story. As Miz Lilian told me last night: Barack you is one good talker but you is a heap o crap for a president."