our television listings

RTE (The Irish national broadcaster.) 4.25 Murder She Wrote. Jessica discovers a freemasonic cult led by Tom Hanks is trying to subvert the Catholic church. In between times she solves a murder. 5.20 Nuacht. God bless you. 5.30 The Bill. The cops of Hill Street just fail to thwart an Al Qaeda attack which leaves London a smoking hole in the ground. Special guest star David Milliband playing himself, delivers the classic one liner: "The war on terror was a mistake. Muslim warrior super heroes are our friends." (That's two classic one liners surely? - Ed note.) 6.00 The Angelus. 6.01 News. 7.00 Meet The Neighbours. An Afghan couple prepare for their daughter's Dublin wedding. Multi culti programme intended to promote diversity. Tonights episode does not feature the Black Jackets Muslim crime gang whose members are currently harassing citizens on Grafton Street, O'Connell Street, Henry Street and throughout the city centre. The gang meets daily in the Kylemore Cafe on O'Connell Street where security staff turn a blind eye to their activities. Members of the gang work in the Kylemore. One Pakistani member has risen to a management position at the Kylemore outlet based in the Stephens Green Centre. He's got a lot of anger. At least he has when he's shoulder jostling Irish people in the streets with his gang. The programme will not explore the Black Jackets successful infiltration of security firms at the Ilac and Stephens Green Centre as well as the gang's placement of enforcers on the staff at the Westbury Hotel, the Cafe Kylemore, Mao's Cafe and McDonalds. Particular attention will not be paid to the murder of an Irish teenager on Grafton Street a few years ago. The 19 year old was beaten to death outside a fastfood restaurant, (guess which one), by an Algerian Arab with a baseball bat. The Algerian Arab found other Arabs to testify in court that the 19 year old had made racist remarks to the Algerian Arab who beat him to death with a baseball bat. Judge Liberal released the Algerian Arab because Judge Liberal has decided that beating Irish people to death with baseball bats is now legal as long as you're an Algerian Arab with plenty of Arab friends willing to tell lies in court. 7.30 Eastenders. Al Qaeda nukes the parts of the East End they missed in tonight's earlier episode of The Bill. Cor blimey.. 8.00 Fair City. Soap opera. Al Qaeda launches an anthrax attack on Dublin. 8.30 Off The Rails. Fashion programme. As a prelude to the new season this programme sets out to try to blah, blah, f---ing blah. 9.00 News. 9.30 The Late Late Show. Chat show presented by Pat Kenny who is most famous for obtaining a million dollar parcel of land in Dublin through adverse possession. That is to say, through squatting on it. RTE pays Kenny a million quid a year. Lovely, lovely people. Up until recently they refused to publish the amount they were paying him. This is the problem with licence fee TV. RTE had a monopoly so no one was let set up a television station to compete with them. Yet rather than creating as much employment as possible, they shelled out millions to unwatchable politically connected scruff like Kenny, Gerry Ryan and Ryan Tubridy. You could have hired a hundred people a year on entry level wages for the amount they were paying Kenny alone. And among the hundred we'd have found real talent. Another hundred people could have been hired with what they were paying Gerry Ryan. Another hundred with what they paid Tubridy. You could still have paid Kenny et al fifty grand each to keep them in the style to which they'd become accustomed.. No need to throw them out on the streets. After all, RTE is not a monster. It's not the Johnston Press. It's merely a ferociously incompetent anti Catholic propaganda machine for clapped out left wing causes. Okay, okay. It is a monster. But it's not the Johnston Press. I could never call RTE the Johnston Press. Because I've no intention of committing libel here. 11.40 News. Barack goooooood. George Bush baaaaaad. Mussssslimm warrrriorrrr super heroessssss are ourrrr friennnnnnnds. Goooo toooo sleeeeeeeep. 11.50 Nurse Betty. Film starring Renee Zellwegger. A waitress becomes convinced she's the fiancee of a soap star. If fifty people in Ireland watch this, my name is Ernst Von Steinervortzel The Third. 1.50 Telly Bingo. Civilisation is coming to an end. 2.00 Shortland Street. 2.30 Nationwide. In case you missed it earlier. 2.55 Doctor Phil. A spinoff from the Oprah Winfrey chatshow. The most intellectual thing on RTE today.