from the heelers emails

From: Michael Appourchaux. (La Falaise Theatre Company, France.)

James.

We're delighted to announce that our collective of bilingual artists, Collectif La Falaise, will present a performance of Howard Barker works in the prestigious university of La Sorbonne in Paris during October, as part of the "21 for 21" world event, celebrating the 21^st anniversary of The Wrestling School, H. Barker's celebrated company.

More details on : http://spa.exeter.ac.uk/drama/projects/21421/041.shtml

You'll receive your personal invitation soon!

Hope to see you there,

Michael Appourchaux

Tel : 00 33 614 645 454

From Heelers to Michael Appourchaux.

Noble Appershocks.

What have I ever done to offend you? Why are you now threatening me with invitations to your horrendous productions? I would prefer to be hacked to death with a machete than to sit through Howard Baker's macabre depictions of machete inflicted death hackings as presented by you and your hyperbaric crew of conformist anti Catholic drones. When I first cast you in my play Vampires Of Dublin all those years ago, I little dreamed what a monster I was creating. Fail. For crying out loud, fail. Fail damn you. Fail. Stop succeeding.

James

PS: Hilary Cotter, another cast member whom you will remember from my production of Woody Allen's Death, has gone on to become the number one voice over artist in Ireland. I kid you not. You gotta admit Appourcevoir, I really could pick em.

From: Snipcock And Tweed Lawyers, London W1.

To: Bianca Bianco, Italian journalist at Il Nolano.

Dear Miss Bianco.

We are sorry to have to inform you of the recent death of a friend of yours, the inimitable and much loved writer Mr James Healy. Mr Healy's death occurred unexpectedly last Thursday when a poem he was working on, suddenly detonated without warning. He was killed outright in the explosion. Fortunately no one else was hurt except for three passing Jihadis who were caught in the blast. Mr Healy has named you as the sole beneficiary in his will. The estate consists of five hundred poems (some of them quite incendiary), along with a sheepdog and a hamster. We will contact you again shortly to finalise transfer of these assets to your possession.

Best regards.

Erwin Snipcock

Managing Director, Snipcock And Tweed.

From: Bianca Bianco.

To: Snipcock And Tweed.

Dear Sirs.

The dog and the hamster I'll take. You keep the poems.

Bianca.

From: Mar Diaz, Meki Orphanage, Ethiopia.

To Heelers.

Hi James.

We celebrated the Ethiopian New Year in September. By the Ethiopian Calendar this is the year 2002. I think it was the best New Year's Eve of my life. We had the most delicious food and we sang and we danced. The children got to play with their first ever pinyata. We had thousands of kisses and presents and confetti thrown over each other when we least expected it. There are 33 children in the orphanage now. The youngest is six months old. We are happy. I enjoy every moment here. But sometimes there are problems like with any family. I am truly happy. How is your mother? Give her a big kiss. I think of you two a lot. If you plan to visit Africa, let me know. You have food and a bed in Meki any time you want.

Abrazo grande.

Mar.

Heelers to Mar.

M

You are the richest woman I know.

J