a satire on the reporting style of major news broadcasters

Fox News: "This is Bill Reilly Hannity O'Toole. Tonight on Fox. Hilary Clinton: total bitch or worthless low life? We report. You decide."

 

CNN: "I'm Wolf Blitzer. Warlike name but don't let it fool ya. Really I'm a groovy cuddly beardy hippy who wants nothing more than to surrender to Muslims and their warm hearted peaceloving religion of boom. Tonight we'll be looking at how wonderful Barack Obama is, and discussing possible explanations for his all round wonderfulness. We'll also be shamelessly calumniating President Bush and blaming him for the war on terror. We'll be using ridiculous politically correct terminology to minimise public concern about Hassan Malik's Al Qaeda murders at Fort Hood. We'll also be all but ignoring the Jihad Knickerbocker Glory Muslim who ignited his penis on a plane at Chicago and then received free legal aid courtesy of that ever generous all round humanitarian President Barack Obama. Now don't get me wrong. Barack isn't actually paying Al Qaeda's legal bills himself. He's compelling the American tax payer to pay them. Good old Barack. What was it CNN founder Ted Turner said about Christianity: Christianity is a religion for losers. Ah yes. We at CNN are more interested in winners. Winners like Osama Bin Laden. Remember how we covered up murders Saddam Hussein had committed because we didn't want to lose our broadcasting rights in Iraq. Those were the days. Saddam was a winner too. Until that evil imperialist President George Bush and the goddam American army sent him home to Hades in about five minutes flat. Jihaaaaaaaad. Surrender. Surrender to Jihad. Surrender now. Muslim psycho supermen are our friends."

 

NBC: See CNN.

 

ABC: See CNN.

 

CBS: See CNN.

 

Sky News: "Another British soldier died today in Afghanistan. (The presenter adopts earnest funereal tones at this point as though he is describing the effin Normandy landings.) It was terrible. He just died. The resonsibility for his death must be laid squarely at the door of our government and in particular at the door of former Prime Minister Tony Blair. If only Tony had surrendered to Al Qaeda this would all be over by now and Britain would be a Muslim country. Allah U Akbar. Later in the programme we'll be talking to the mother of another soldier who died in Afghanistan last week. Yes, we've found an old biddy willing to betray her son's memory and her country. F--kin A. We will not be mentioning Al Qaeda losses or Taliban defeats. We will not be speaking out against the ridiculous rules of engagement which are forcing British soldiers to lose their lives and their limbs on the battlefield against any Al Qaeda coward who pretends to be a farmer or who uses his children as human shields. My God, we're vile. Sky News is vile. Unutterably vile. I've just realised it. Oh well. The money is good. We must surrender to Jihad. Meanwhile the Iraq Enquiry continues. Yes our third attempt to incriminate former Prime Minister Tony Blair for daring to bring down Saddam Hussein's government, is sure to end with the result we've been looking for. Three's a charm. You keep holding enquiries until you find the right bunch of quislings to betray Britain. Speaking of Sky News, did you know our major revenue stream comes from advertising placed with us by the Royal Family of Qatar? Hilarious, innit? The same people who finance the Nazi channel Al Jazeera are the major sponsor of Sky News. Even though Sky News is owned by Rupert Murdoch who also owns the supposedly right wing Fox News. Rupert likes to have a few horses in each race. Whatever next? Will he set up a Muslim station cheerleading for Al Qaeda. No need. He's already got us. We're doing that job just fine."

 

Al Jazeera: "Welcome to Sky News. Er, I mean Al Jazeera. Allah U Akbar. Anyone drawing pictures of Mohammed gets a kick in the bawls. After we kill them that is. Jihad. Hijabs. Burkas. Yashmaks. Chadors. Death to the infidel. In other news, the Israeli's are so uncivilised, dontchya think. Nyah, ha, ha, Gee Force."

 

Press TV (Iran's English language news service): "Pie Eye Steen Yuns. Pie Eye Steen Yuns. Everywhere we go we see Jews killing Pie Eye Steen Yuns. Who will save the Pie Eye Steen Yuns. Thankfully the United Nations is on our side. We will wipe the State of Israel off the map. Sorry. I mean Zionist Entity. We will wipe the Zionist Entity off the map. Nyah, ha, ha, Gee Force. (Presenter now whispers to his floor manager.) Hey Fatima. What is a Pie Eye Steen Yun?"