die hard with a heelers

The story so far: Terrorist Hans Gruber (played by Archbishop Diarmuid Martin) has hijacked the Archbishop's Palace in Dublin. His henchmen are holding a group of token Catholic Journalists hostage in the lobby while extorting the Irish government into ever greater persectutions of ageing Bishops, Priests and Nuns. Archie's hostages, the Tokens, are fake Catholic journos who get paid to help anti Catholic media groups hide in plain sight while cheerleading the persecutions and pogroms. I'm talking about Mary Kenny, the bleeding heart professional handwringers Mark Dooley, Breda O'Brien, and  David Quinn, and even more ridiculously Katie Kerrigan, who says she's entitled to define herself as a Catholic because she sends one of her progeny to a Catholic School, and most ridiculously of all Fiona Looney, whose only god is whatever newspaper proprietor will pay her for her verbiage. I mean I don't want to go casting no aspoyshuns. Anyhoo. Archbishop Machiavelli Martin is holed up in the Palace with his hostages. The only problem is Bruce Willis (played by me) has been picking off Archie's allies, and occasionally his Tokens, one by one. Now Archie is in his office with John Waters, a well meaning Token from the Irish Times who after a lifetime attempting to destroy the Catholic Church and persuading women to kill their own unborn babies, had a romantic liaison with pop singer Sile DeValera details of which he's insisted on inflicting on the public ever since, and then, seeing which way the wind was blowing, promptly staged a Christian conversion. (Sile De Valera? Ah Heelers if you're going to say something so opprobriously un Christian, could you not at least get the name right? - Ed note.) (I couldn't be arsed. - Heelers note.) God only knows if it's genuine. I get weary of John Waters' defences of the Church which seem to draw on the vocabulary of this blog and yet still implicitly perpetuate every lie inserted in the public mind about the ancient Faith by his employers. I'm just saying is all. Okay. So John Waters is one of the Token Catholic hostages Archie is holding. And he's gone to Archie in his office claiming that he can talk Heelers into surrender. As we join them, John Waters is addressing Heelers through a walkie talkie with Archie looking on. Archie is played by that Brit actor. The good one. Alan Stanford. No. Not Alan Stanford. What's his face. Alan Baines. Alan Something. He played DeValera in that awful Neil Jordan film about the Irish civil war. Eamon De Valera. Not Sile. Rickman. That's it. Alan Rickman. Or Hans Gruber. Whatever his real name is.

John Waters: "Heelers. Heelers. You there Heelers?"
Bruce Willis: "Who is this?"
John Waters: "Oh come on Heelers. You haven't forgotten your old buddy from the Irish Times, John Waters, have you?"
Bruce Willis: "John what are you doing?"
John Waters: "I'm here with Archbishop Diarmuid Martin."
Bruce Willis: "John you crazy ass hole. Get out of there."
John Waters: "James you got Archie all wrong. He's not your enemy. He's a businessman. An operator. A negotiator. And so am I. Now I figure I can negotiate a solution to your little disagreement about the perfect model for Catholicism in Ireland. You don't see eye to eye. You need a go between. Am I right?"
Bruce Willis: "John so help me, get out of there. These are bad people. You don't know what they'll do."
John Waters: "Archie thinks he should be running the show. But you want a more collegial Church, one that doesn't turn upon the previous generations merely to please a bunch of liberal atheists in the modern era. I just gotta bring you guys together. Am I right?"
Bruce Willis: "John for God's sake..."
John Waters: "Now Archie has launched a hostile takeover of the Catholic Church in Ireland. You're leading a share holder revolt. Archie wants to buy out all the remaining shares. So you've refused Archie's initial offer. You've made a counter offer. You've told him to f--- off. Now Archie is going to respond to your counter offer with his counter counter offer. (Addressing Archie.) Am I right?"
Archie: (Addressing John Waters, while cocking a revolver, dripping evil, and sounding very like Alan Rickman at his most Alan Rickmanesque) You're very perceptive.
John Waters: "James, you gotta learn to play the game. Take Tony O'Reilly's shilling. Or the Irish Times shilling. Or RTE's. It's not such a bad way to live. You can still be a Catholic in your private life."
Bruce Willis: "Now listen to me John. Get the hell out of there."
John Waters: "James, nothing you can do will make a difference. Come on man. Join us. Stop taking it so personal every time Archie, Yvonne Murphy, and The Irish Times decide to ruin an ageing Bishop or a priest or a nun. Why should it matter to you if Archie framed Cardinal Sean Brady? Sure the tendentious untrue allegations of concealing child abuse against Cardinal Brady only emerged after Cardinal Brady failed to back Archie at the meeting with the Pope in Rome. And sure the allegations against the Pope for the same thing, emerged only when the Pope refused to back Archie in firing every Bishop in Ireland and letting Archie pick their successors. But James, this doesn't have to matter to you. There's a good life for you right here right now, in the new reformed Archie run Catholic Church. You just gotta learn to play ball. And forget about those people that Archie and his liberal atheistic friends need to ruin in order for Archie to conquer the Catholic Church in Ireland and remake it in his own image. Am I right?"
Bruce Willis: "John, I'm only going to say this once. These guys are not your friends. Get the f--- out of there."
John Waters: "Join us James. Join me and Mary Kenny and David Quinn and Breda O'Brien and all the other Tokens. You could have a good life. We get paid you know."
Bruce Willis: "You poor sonofabitch."
John Waters: (Thoroughly relaxed) James. Archie's pointing a gun at me. You gotta come in and surrender. Like I say. Join us. (Grinning and winking at Archie) Archbishop Martin promises he'll treat you well."
Bruce Willis: "For God's sake get the hell out."
(There is a gunshot. Archbishop Diarmuid Martin picks up the walkie talkie.)
Archie: "Are you still there?"
Bruce Willis: "Yeah, I'm here."
Archie: "You have me at a disadvantage. You know me but I don't know you."
Bruce Willis: "I'm just the regular fly in the ointment Archie, the monkey in the wrench, the kotuchoni in the dubzealyonee."
Archie: "Are you a priest?"
Bruce Willis: (Makes a buzzing sound as though Archie got a television game show question wrong.) Wrong answer Archie. You wanna go for Double Jeopardy? You could win a kick in the bawls.
Archie: (With sudden vehemence.) I know what you are. You're just another would be Ronald Reagan swaggering around in a cowboy hat trying to save the Catholic Church from those of us who have already conquered it from within and made it our creature. You think the Free World won the Cold War because of Reagan and Pope John Paul the Second. But I'll tell you something. We won it. We never went away. We, the enemy within. And now we shall reap the full fruits of our victory. Do you really think you can defeat me, and Yvonne Murphy, and the Irish Times, and RTE, and Independent Newspapers, and the Marxian Fine Gael Labour Party Combo? What chance have you against us, Mr Wannabe Ronald Reagan?"
Bruce Willis: "I was always more partial to Mrs Thatcher myself."
Archie: "I will destroy you. Nyah, ha, ha, Gee Force!"
Heelers: "Yipeekayay Reverend Motherf-----."
(And I meant it to sting.)