gazuntheit

The church at Kilcullen.

Nimbly evading the reichsmarshalls who, complete with sashes and epaulettes, have been sent from heaven to direct traffic in the church during the ongoing Flu virus panic, I nip discreetly into the front pew. (They don't really have epaulettes - Ed note)

How on earth am I going to keep my mind on the things of heaven?

I can't stop thinking of the hundred quid Padre Baines has said he'll pay me after mass in settlement of our bet on the American elections.

The celebration of the ancient rite proceeds.

I try to concentrate as best I can, at one point praying quietly and fervently to myself: "Oh Lordy, a hundred quid."

My cousin Hector, the phantom of the organ loft, is pounding the keys, playing Bach's Infernal Tootling In D Minor.

At some stage the phantom and the Padre end up at cross purposes.

Hector is playing.

The Padre is intoning prayers.

It's hard to hear one over the other.

Neither wants to yield.

Half the congregation are trying to intone the prayer responses. The other half wanna play singalonga Hector. Few things in the universe are certain but I know Hector will not truncate Bach's Infernal Tootling.

It's one of his favourites.

I'm thinking: This would be a very bad night for Hector and the priest to have another row over who interrupted who. Oh Lord of gamblers, hear my prayer. Let em have all the rows they want after I've collected my cash.

The mass ends.

Padre Baines appears beside me.

"I'll have to pay you at morning mass tomorrow," he says apologetically. "I forgot you were going to be here tonight."

My face is a study.

So close to that hundred I could nearly taste it.

But no cigar.

Later that very evening, the Irish government announces another of their hilarious Flu virus boondoggles.

That is to say a lockdown.

We're not even allowed meet our guardian angels.

I have no idea why preventing me from getting paid for my bet on Joe Biden in the American elections should be such a key part of national health policy in the Republic of Ireland.

I am never going to see that money.