let them eat quiz shows

The professional woman looked concerned.

"I've been thinking about your financial situation."

At her words the noble Heelers perked up considerably and sat back in his chair.

Around us the cafe cacaphoned with life.

She's loaded and something in my water told me that at long last the sun was coming out.

In my mind's eye I could see the United States cavalry cresting a nearby hill waving great wodges of cash.

The professional lady continued.

"I was thinking you should go on a television quiz show."

There was a moment of stillness in my universe.

"Are you serious?"

"You've very intelligent. You'd do well."

"That's your big idea to help me?"

"I think it's a good idea."

"You're thinking of the movie Slumdog Millionaire. In the words of the kid from ET: This is reality Greg."

"What have you got to lose?"

"Do you not remember? The quiz show solution to Heelers cashflow problems was already tried thirty years ago. I went on Rapid Routette."

"How much did you win?"

"It didn't turn out well."

"How much?"

"My nickname among you guys after the show was James Twenty Pounds Healy. The clue is in the title."

"I think I went with you to the audition for that."

"You did."

"And was there something else that happened? There's something at the back of my mind I was annoyed about."

"Yes. I forced you to go to Star Trek Five at the cinema after the audition. And you said: Please don't force me to go to a Star Trek film. And I was thinking: If I can just get her into the cinema, she's going to love it. And you did love it. And I hated it. It was a grotty little pseud parody of religion with a Klingon Messiah and so on. Truly tastelessly awful."

"Was there something else that happened that day?"

"Yes. I bought you flowers."

"You didn't really."

"I did. Outside the cinema I saw a flower seller and raced over to her and bought a bunch. Then I ran back to you and thrust the flowers in your face. And you said: What's all this? And I said: You must be wearing Fucking Stupid. And you said: Whaaaat? And I said: When a man you've met hundreds of times before suddenly buys you flowers, that's Fucking Stupid. It was a parody of the ad for Impulse fragrance spray. The only funny joke of my youth. That and the time in a resaurant where you asked: What are Oranges In Cointreau? And I said: It's when a bunch of oranges burst into the restaurant with machine guns shouting The oranges are in control."

"That rings a bell."

"You remember it?"

"Not exactly. I remember lots of bad jokes."

"Anyway, Rapid Roulette wasn't the only TV quiz show I went on. I was on Fifteen To One on British television. The Brits flew me to London for the audition. Strictly speaking I wasn't actually on the show itself just a simulacrum. We stood around the studio with the cameramen in place and the lights people and the host and got sample questions."

"What happened?"

"They weeded me out. The host was a famous orange guy of the time called William G Stewart. He asked me a sample question that went: What is the sacramental vessel used by the priest at the Roman Catholic ceremony of the  Mass to consecrate wine?"

"And you didn't know that?"

"I said goblet."

"What would you have said?"

"I'd have said Chalice."

"You'd have been right. If you get any more great ideas about helping me with my finances, let me know."

"I will."