heelers the baptizer
The Mammy and Ireland's greatest living poet quaffing coffees in the Chat And Chew Cafe.
January blusters up main street Newbridge past the great bay window where they sit.
"Aunty Teresa is after baptising the baby," quoth the Mammy.
This piece of information causes Heelers' handsome features to crease into a wry grin.
"Another of the most baptised babies in the history of the Christian religion," I proclaimed.
A short explanation folks.
My cousin Rowena has just given birth to her second child, a little girl called Helen. Rowena professing atheism has refused to have the child baptised.
Rowena's mother, the legendary Aunty Teresa, professing her own brand of executive decision making, has given the child a personal baptism on the qt.
Ah. Give me an Aunty Teresa large enough and I'll move the universe, as Einstein always used to say.
Anyhoo.
My favourite running joke, as you all know, relates to this tradition within the faith, (certainly within my family) whereby believers may bestow the odd baptism surreptitiously.
I reckon Rowena's first kid, now in her second year of life, has about twenty four names.
(The name Rowena knows about is Sheila.)
I'm telling you folks we were all at it.
Rowena would hand us the baby. We'd coo "oh how lovely," while muttering darkly "I baptise this child Cecilia Mary in the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit."
And Rowena would say sharpish like: "What's that?"
And we'd go: "Oh nothing. Did you notice the child's got a little dimple?"
Magic moments indeed.
Yes gentle friends of the internet right this moment I can hear the ghost of Perry Como singing:
"Magic moments, when two hearts are sharing.
Magic moments, when two hearts are caring.
Do you remember the night of the dance when the moon was hazy?
Do you remember the morning we sneaked a baptism for Rowena's baby?
Magic moments, time out of time."
But I digress.
So that was Sheila.
And now there's Helen.
"Listen Lil," sez I to the Mother. "Imagine Judgement Day when Saint Peter calls us forward by name. Think of the look on Rowena's face when her own daughter Helen is called out of the crowd. Saint Peter will say: Step forward Helen Mary Frances Lisa Therese Mariana Margaret Alexandra Philomena Bianca Luisa Beata Marina Andrea Diana Anne Cristina Laura Sarah Jemima Healy. And Rowena won't have a clue who gave the child any of these names. Except for Jemima. When she hears that she'll let out a scream: Jaaames!"
The Mammy eyed me keenly during this spiel.
"Why Jemima?" sez she finally.
"Feminine of James," I replied. "I thought the kid deserved a name with a little class."
The Mammy's gaze deepened.
"You're rehearsing material," she murmured. "You're rehearsing material on me. What is the point? You don't have a humour column for it anymore."
There was an odd stillness in the universe as I answered her.
"Liller old pal," sez me, "I'll probably find a use for it somewhere."
January blusters up main street Newbridge past the great bay window where they sit.
"Aunty Teresa is after baptising the baby," quoth the Mammy.
This piece of information causes Heelers' handsome features to crease into a wry grin.
"Another of the most baptised babies in the history of the Christian religion," I proclaimed.
A short explanation folks.
My cousin Rowena has just given birth to her second child, a little girl called Helen. Rowena professing atheism has refused to have the child baptised.
Rowena's mother, the legendary Aunty Teresa, professing her own brand of executive decision making, has given the child a personal baptism on the qt.
Ah. Give me an Aunty Teresa large enough and I'll move the universe, as Einstein always used to say.
Anyhoo.
My favourite running joke, as you all know, relates to this tradition within the faith, (certainly within my family) whereby believers may bestow the odd baptism surreptitiously.
I reckon Rowena's first kid, now in her second year of life, has about twenty four names.
(The name Rowena knows about is Sheila.)
I'm telling you folks we were all at it.
Rowena would hand us the baby. We'd coo "oh how lovely," while muttering darkly "I baptise this child Cecilia Mary in the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit."
And Rowena would say sharpish like: "What's that?"
And we'd go: "Oh nothing. Did you notice the child's got a little dimple?"
Magic moments indeed.
Yes gentle friends of the internet right this moment I can hear the ghost of Perry Como singing:
"Magic moments, when two hearts are sharing.
Magic moments, when two hearts are caring.
Do you remember the night of the dance when the moon was hazy?
Do you remember the morning we sneaked a baptism for Rowena's baby?
Magic moments, time out of time."
But I digress.
So that was Sheila.
And now there's Helen.
"Listen Lil," sez I to the Mother. "Imagine Judgement Day when Saint Peter calls us forward by name. Think of the look on Rowena's face when her own daughter Helen is called out of the crowd. Saint Peter will say: Step forward Helen Mary Frances Lisa Therese Mariana Margaret Alexandra Philomena Bianca Luisa Beata Marina Andrea Diana Anne Cristina Laura Sarah Jemima Healy. And Rowena won't have a clue who gave the child any of these names. Except for Jemima. When she hears that she'll let out a scream: Jaaames!"
The Mammy eyed me keenly during this spiel.
"Why Jemima?" sez she finally.
"Feminine of James," I replied. "I thought the kid deserved a name with a little class."
The Mammy's gaze deepened.
"You're rehearsing material," she murmured. "You're rehearsing material on me. What is the point? You don't have a humour column for it anymore."
There was an odd stillness in the universe as I answered her.
"Liller old pal," sez me, "I'll probably find a use for it somewhere."
posted by heelers | 9:26 PM
4 Comments:
Wow, you Irish, that's so cool. So, does the baby have to be present? Does the baby have to be a baby? Can you secretly baptise me as a Catholic, you know, just in case, sort of like Pascal's wager. I don't want to get up there and the Catholics are having all the fun, not if I could have dual Christianship for free. Oh, and can you make my name Schneewittchen?
That Lildebeest, she's a canny one.
I met a cross dresser in Dublin who had baptised herself Attracta Cox.
I laughed and laughed until I was told Attracta is an ACTUAL name in Ireland. Then I became hysterical!
Schnee you are the limit. Take it from one who has been considered the limit himself at various times.
Sleepy, we also have Concepta and Immaculata.
J
Personally, I'm happy that the baby has been baptized. Well done. :)
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