french for beginners

Ze fire in ze channel tunnel yesterday was not, ow you say, an Al Qaeda attack. Even zough ze fire was a chemical fire and broke out on a train on ze anniversary of, ow you say, Nine Eleven, even so we in Fransh Intelligence quickly concluded zat ze perpetrateur was a humble brake line malfunction in a lorry parked on the train, and not, ow you say, ze work of psychotic Muslim murdereurs. We are in no doubt zat ze brakes overheated on zis parked lorry. Eet appens all ze time. Parked lorries containing chemical explosives ave ze brake line malfunctions every day ze week. Eet is alway betteur to conclude zat ze life threatening catastrophes are ze coeencidences, n'est ce pas? We theenk you will agree zat zere ees nozzing to be gained by calling a terrorist strike a, ow you say, terrorist strike. After Nine Eleven lots of tzings blew up in France. We called zem all ze, ow you say, industrial acceedents. So much easier than actually confronting zat, ow you say, nutbox Osama Bin Laden. And la France has no regrets. We regrettez rien. Occasionally some of our five millions of ze Muslim citizens vill burn down ze suburbs of ze French cities forcing ze ozzer forty five millions French peoples to live in fear. But we're okay vit zat. Now ven ze fire broke out on ze channel tunnel we were able to say immediately, while the blaze was still burning, that zis was not ze Musleem terrorisme. We are ze experts in what isn't Musleem terrorisme. Musleem terrorisme never appens en France. Or near France. Or on ze French trains. Now industrial acceedents, hoo boy, we have beaucoups of those. So just one more time to reiterate, ze chemical fire in ze channel tunnel on the seventh anniversaire of Nine Eleven, was not, repeat not, ow you say, anything to do with an, ow you say, Islamic conspiracy called Al Qaeda which is, ow you say, sworn to destroy the Free World, and is trying to, ow you say, keel as many Westerners, Christians and Jews as possible in ze process of re-establishing a, ow you say, Muslim caliphate and, ow you say, enslaving humanity to its useless clapped out, ow you say, seventh century cultural dysfunction masquerading as a, ow you say, religion. Why in God's name would zey tzink la France was part of ze Free World anyway? Be, ow you say, serious.