CNN's reportage of World War Two

The following is a genuine CNN news report circa September 1944... Tonight American and British planes killed thousands of innocent German civilians in a single murderous airstrike. Up to 100,000 men, women and children were wiped out in a devastating shock and awe style rain of destruction upon the city of Dresden. Already concerned voices are being raised on the homefront about a possible gung ho shoot to kill policy by Allied airmen against the Nazis. "They are shooting first and asking questions later," asserted Professor Noam Chomsky, sorry I mean Professor Erwin Rommel. "The Allied armies are completely out of control. What the hell are they trying to do? Win?" Peace protestor Cindy Sheahan, sorry I mean Tokyo Rose, is referring to the bombing as the single greatest atrocity of the war. Broadcaster Michael Moore, I mean Lord Haw Haw, claimed the combined American British actions amounted to genocide. Sources say the bombing of Dresden was totally unprovoked. According to an unnamed Nazi policeman who was not authorised to comment to CNN, the city was a peaceful city, just sitting there, not looking for trouble from anyone. A tearful Nazi Reichsmarchall Heinrich Himmler told CNN that he wanted a UN investigation into the American killing of civilians all over Nazi Germany. Meanwhile Amnesty International has accused the Americans of once more committing war crimes. Spokesperson for Amnesty International, Magda Goebbels said the Americans were now compounding their earlier crimes. "They attacked Italy which wasn't even involved in Nine Eleven, sorry I mean the invasion of Poland," a tearful Magda alleged. "Now they're attacking Nazi Germany and there seems to be no end in sight after five years." CNN polls show that the popularity of Winston Churchill is at an all time low. Public support for World War Two fell dramatically after the Nine Eleven Commission, sorry The Poland Commission, took a series of cheap shots at the President, sorry the Prime Minister, while concealing the culpability of Bill Clinton's totally groovy Administration which had incubated Al Qaeda for years. Sorry, Neville Chamberlain's totally groovy Administration which had incubated the Nazis for years. "President Roosevelt took us to war against Imperial Japan and fascist Italy when we all knew those countries had absolutely no links to Hitler's Nazi Germany," charged Senator Barack Obama. "We should impeach President Roosevelt. We should also impeach those members of the Administration who suggested that my middle name is Heinrich and that this name implies I have a German background. In fact my middle name is Hussein and this name implies I am a Muslim." Mounting criticism of President Roosevelt's War On Nazis has come from civil rights groups such as the Geheime Staats Polizei (Gestapo) and the Sturmabteilung (Stormtroopers) whose members have condemned both Britain and America for detaining German nationals on their territories without trial. "In zair own countries zey are rounding up ze Muslim Terror spy networks, I mean ze German spy networks, I mean ze German citizens," said Fritz Graff Von Tortureberg of the Gestapo. "Zis iss an outrage. Zey must close Guantanamo Bay. It iss ein crime against humanity. Vee vill destroy you all. Nyah ha ha Gee Force. Allah U Akbar. I mean Sieg Heil." Unrest within the Allied forces themselves is also becoming apparent. A turncoat British officer told CNN that he doesn't think the Nazis can ever be beaten. "You can't beat an insurgency," Brigadier Traitor said. "We might as well give in to our Muslim overlords. Sorry, Nazi overlords." His words were echoed by London editor Max Hastings who has published several unreadable war books on the strength of his editorship of a pissant little unreadable newspaper rag that no one reads. "We must surrender at once," said Max Hastings. "Plush bottomed bast--ds like me are determined to trahaise the greatness of Britain. I opposed the American actions in Afghanistan from the beginning. Now we must snatch defeat from the jaws of victory. We must negotiate with the Taliban and Al Qaeda before the Americans find another General Petraeus and obtain complete victory on all fronts. I'm not having that. Victory in Afghanistan and Iraq. The very idea is unconscionable. Why it would mean clowns like me and Robert Fisk were wrong about everything." In France, the Vichy government has declared that it now wants to open talks with the Nazi party. "We are in talks with the Taliban but of course we won't talk to Al Qaeda," remarked French Prime Minister Jean Marie Petain Du Surrender Totale. "I mean we are in talks with the Nazis but of course we won't talk to the SS. We draw the line at actually talking to Al Qaeda. We'll just be talking to the Taliban. They're not so bad. Sorry. I meant to say, oh I don't know. Where was I? Oh yes. Okay, let me be quite clear. As long as Al Qaeda members say they're members of the Taliban and not Al Qaeda members, we'll talk to them. And we'll talk to Hitler. He's not so bad. But we won't talk to er, someone else. Martin Bormann I suppose. Yes that's what I meant. Sacre bleu." Clearly this unwinnable war could last for decades. Not since Osama Bin Laden looked out the window at Torah Borah, saw the American army rolling up to the door, and issued his now famous order of unconquerable Islamic defiance, to wit "RUN AWAY," not since then has the peaceloving Muslim insurgency looked so close to all out victory. If only those evil British and Americans would just read the script, I mean the CNN version of the news, and surrender.