The Heelers Diaries

the fantasy world of ireland's greatest living poet

My Photo
Location: Kilcullen (Phone 087 7790766), County Kildare, Ireland

Sunday, January 04, 2009

all my eye

The lovely Brazilian waitress in the Muse cafe burst out laughing.
The noble Heelers looked nonplussed.
"What's wrong with you?" sez I.
She controlled herself.
"Your tee shirt," sez she. "It shows too much. It makes you look like a macho man."
My gentle preraphaelite features broke into an expansive smile.
"I am a macho man," I replied warmly.
Miss Brazil laughed again.
There was something seditious in her laughter which was not entirely pleasing to me.
Then she noticed my eye.
"Oh my God," she cried. "What happened to your eye? It's horrible. What did you do to it?"
I favoured her with a leery grin.
"You Brazilians haven't got a clue," I said. "Now down Argentina way, eyes like this are considered very sexy."
She peered closely at my eye, even going so far as to chance poking it with her finger.
"Don't do that," I screamed calmly.
La Braziliana put her eye poking finger to her lips.
"I think I know what it is," she prognosticated thoughtfully. "It looks like..."
And then she said something Brazilian along the lines of zubba zubba zing zang.
"Yes," quoth me, "I'd say that's what it is alright."
I went and sat down with my coffee.
Quick call on the mobile phone to Doctor Barn.
He's been away all Christmas.
"Hey Doc," I tell him. "You're going to miss my eye. By the time you get back it will probably be better."
"What did you do to it?" wondered Daktari.
Bold readers I have to ask you.
Why does everyone think I've done something to myself to cause the various nefarious debilitations which regularly afflict me?
I mean, stuff happens.
Ah yes.
We're cleaning up The Heelers Diaries this year.
But back to the present.
"The eye turned red," I told the brother.
"You mean red rimmed?" sez he.
I chuckled benevolently.
"Nope," sez I. "Just red. The whole thing. The whole of the white of the eye just went red."
There was a pause at the other end of the line.
"Hmmm," said Doctor Barn. "That sounds like..."
Then he said something in pure medicalese which at its best is virtually indistinguishable from pure Brazilian.
I'm telling you folks what he said sounded just like zubba zubba zing zang.
I rang off shortly after.
The cafe television was on.
I sat quietly with my coffee, exploring my limits with the news reports coming in from Gaza.
CNN was at it again.
A presenter called Rosemary Church allowed Mr Osama Hamdan of Hamas to state: "The Israelis killed Yasser Arafat."
Ms Church didn't challenge the brave Osama H on his facts.
Maybe she thought such things don't need to be challenged.
Well done CNN.
Another home run.
But this afternoon's overall prize for Irony In Reportage, must go to the Russian English language channel, an outfit called Russia Today.
A presenter on Russia Today proclaimed with a completely straight face:
"The Israeli response to Hamas rocket attacks has been disproportionate."
The presenter didn't even blink.
Hoo boy.
Some of you will remember Russia steamrollering its Muslim population in Chechnya a few years ago.
Muslim Chechen terrorists had murdered 150 people in a Moscow theatre before upping the ante by murdering several hundred children in a school at Beslan.
The Russians simply levelled Chechnya.
Nothing was left standing.
Let's face it.
The Israelis have been on the receiving end of Muslim terror for sixty years.
Compared to the Russians, the Israelis have been a model of patience, forebearance and restraint.
In fact compared to the Russians, the Israelis look like a bunch of flower power hippies.
The people of Gaza don't know how lucky they are.


Blogger Adrienne said...

The slanted msm (main stream media) goes on and on about all the poor people in Gaza. You never heard word one when Hamas was pelting Israel with rockets morning, noon, and night. And all the subtle, or not so subtle if you're paying attention, focus on pictures of bleeding children or women caught in the throes of grief.

For gosh sakes, the Israelis are phoning them up and telling them where they're going to drop a bomb. All that has accomplished is give Hamas plenty of time to pack the building with women and children. Monsters!

As to your eye you probably have subconjunctival hemorrhage, which is not serious. It is caused when the brain grows so large it pushes against the back of the eyeball thereby producing pressure. In order to relieve the pressure the blood vessels in the eye burst.

Great Irish poets are particularly prone to this disorder. There really isn't a cure, as these types of people tend to just keep getting smarter. The only other malady suggested by your symptoms is episcleritis, which has as one of its causes syphilis.

You pick!

1:34 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

James, I am completely speechless when I hear the "Day 6 of the Gaza attacks" as if there haven't been months of Hamas-launched missles.

The CNN reporter saying nothing - well, that's not a new one. There was a woman in my town who has a Muslim co-worker who explained the "history" of the Palistinian oppression.

"Why don't they just give up part of Palistine?" she asked me. "Israel has been occupying it since the '70s."

"What Palistine?" I asked. "There isn't such a country. In fact, Syria and Jordan weren't around during the Ottoman Empire."

"But that was a long time ago," she said. And then I realized that she thought I was talking about the Roman Empire (or possibly the Empire from "Star Wars"). That's why she is so ready to take her co-worker's version of history.

I used to think it would be impossible to convince educated people that the Holocaust didn't happen, but I was mistaken.

As for your eye, I am just glad you haven't pink eye, also known as "conunujunjununjivitis" or some such Brazilian phrase.

If Adrienne's theory is correct, I suggest trepanation. And leeches.


2:32 AM  
Blogger Schneewittchen said...

Even the other Muslim Nations (apart from the real hard-line jihadis) are against Hamas.

Oddly, in the eye stakes, I was watching that film about Edith Piaf's life, 'La Vie en Rose' and she suddenly got something which everyone said was zubba, zubba, zing zong, and when they said it, they all nodded sagely and said, 'ah, yes, zubba, zubba, zing zong' as though that explained everything.

I fear it may have some connection with the gout in reality. My mother used to suffer horribly from gout and then she'd get a go of the old painful red eye, which the doc said were connected.

Forty years earlier, when we lived in West Africa, my mother used to visit the Catholic Mission a lot, because she said it was the only place to get a drink and the priests really knew how to make a Singapore Sling. So, I wouldn't be surprised if your addiction to the catholic church might be connected too.

3:47 AM  
Blogger heelers said...

Adrienne, I think I'll pick siphilis. At least it should provide me with some good material for the blog.
MissJ, My own analysis is that Arab culture is in a similar state of dysfunction to German culture under the Nazis, Russian culture under the commies, and China under Mao. The dysfunctions in Arab culture at present threaten humanity. But perhaps it is an odd tragedy, that the dysfunctions in Arab culture are not completely removed from our own cultural dysfunctions, ie the atheistic abortionist medicalised life in test tubes cosmetic surgery objectification of women hedonism of the Free World.
Schneewittchen, the Missions as Party Central? You got our number. And... Addicted, moi?

5:51 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home