best ever scene in the history of cinema
(from The Vampires Of Dublin)
Scene: The ballroom at Castle Dracula. A large group of vampires are visible.
Scottish vampire hunter Jock Stroggart has infiltrated the castle with his nephew Mike to try and save the lovely Sonia, who is an ingenue of some considerable ingenueeness. Jock and Mike are behind a curtain. Sonia is enjoying some sort of tete a tete with the Count Dracula. She does not appear to be resisting as much as we might have hoped.
Mike: What are they doing?
Jock: They're having a tete a tete.
Mike: If he puts his hand on her tetes one more time, I'm gonna kill him.
Jock: Leave it tae me. (Leaping into view brandishing a stake.) Hey Dracula. Put down that wee virgin. Or I'll ram this stake up your arse.
Dracula: (Somewhat taken aback at the intrustion since the hall is packed with his fellow vampires.) Seize him.
Jock: (To himself.) Oh yeah, reet, out numbered.
Dracula: (In a loud voice.) You Scots are a musical race. Play for us. Play something Scottish. Before you die.
Jock: Well you see. I'd like to. But I can't play without my backing group.
Dracula: That's quite alright. My henchmen will be glad to assist you. (Barking orders.) Vladdie, base guitar. Igor, drums. Francois, second lead guitar.
(The vampire backing group take up their instruments and huddle around Jock for direction. The one holding the drum kit looks quite poignant.)
Jock: Reet. When we start singing I'll walk towards old fang face and give him a kick in the ghoulies.
Igor: (poignantly) Why would you want to kick the ghoulies? They're not doing anyone any harm. (He indicates a group of Frankenstein style monster ghouls chatting aimiably to one side.)
Jock: Not them. His ghoulies. His personal ghoulies. (The vampire backing group are still looking confused.) The family jewels. The stones of scone. The scrotum. The testicles. The bawls. (They still look mightily perplexed, exchanging confused glances, scratching heads, etc.) Alreet, forget it. It's impossible to get through to you. When we start singing I'll kick Dracula in the orbs of zorgonia. You guys keep singing. I'll race to the window and leap to freedom... (The others bunch up and a menacing look comes into their stares.) Oh reet. Ye're vampires. Ye're not going to help me escape. Okay. I suppose there's nothing for it but to get on with the song so. Do any of you know The Witch Queen Of New Orleans?
Francois: I think I met her once at a party.
Jock: (Rolling his eyes.) Just follow my lead and try to keep up with me.
Scene: The ballroom at Castle Dracula. A large group of vampires are visible.
Scottish vampire hunter Jock Stroggart has infiltrated the castle with his nephew Mike to try and save the lovely Sonia, who is an ingenue of some considerable ingenueeness. Jock and Mike are behind a curtain. Sonia is enjoying some sort of tete a tete with the Count Dracula. She does not appear to be resisting as much as we might have hoped.
Mike: What are they doing?
Jock: They're having a tete a tete.
Mike: If he puts his hand on her tetes one more time, I'm gonna kill him.
Jock: Leave it tae me. (Leaping into view brandishing a stake.) Hey Dracula. Put down that wee virgin. Or I'll ram this stake up your arse.
Dracula: (Somewhat taken aback at the intrustion since the hall is packed with his fellow vampires.) Seize him.
Jock: (To himself.) Oh yeah, reet, out numbered.
Dracula: (In a loud voice.) You Scots are a musical race. Play for us. Play something Scottish. Before you die.
Jock: Well you see. I'd like to. But I can't play without my backing group.
Dracula: That's quite alright. My henchmen will be glad to assist you. (Barking orders.) Vladdie, base guitar. Igor, drums. Francois, second lead guitar.
(The vampire backing group take up their instruments and huddle around Jock for direction. The one holding the drum kit looks quite poignant.)
Jock: Reet. When we start singing I'll walk towards old fang face and give him a kick in the ghoulies.
Igor: (poignantly) Why would you want to kick the ghoulies? They're not doing anyone any harm. (He indicates a group of Frankenstein style monster ghouls chatting aimiably to one side.)
Jock: Not them. His ghoulies. His personal ghoulies. (The vampire backing group are still looking confused.) The family jewels. The stones of scone. The scrotum. The testicles. The bawls. (They still look mightily perplexed, exchanging confused glances, scratching heads, etc.) Alreet, forget it. It's impossible to get through to you. When we start singing I'll kick Dracula in the orbs of zorgonia. You guys keep singing. I'll race to the window and leap to freedom... (The others bunch up and a menacing look comes into their stares.) Oh reet. Ye're vampires. Ye're not going to help me escape. Okay. I suppose there's nothing for it but to get on with the song so. Do any of you know The Witch Queen Of New Orleans?
Francois: I think I met her once at a party.
Jock: (Rolling his eyes.) Just follow my lead and try to keep up with me.
posted by heelers | 3:03 AM
3 Comments:
I'm assume that Jock makes it out, being the hero and all, but what about Mike and the lovely Sonia? You really shouldn't leave your readers hanging like this!
Have you heard about the Jane Austin zombie book coming out? I think it is titled "Pride and Prejudice and Zombies."
Proofreading is such a waste of time.
Gen, all will be revealed. I was not aware of Jane Austen's dalliance with zombies. As for proofreading... The man who uses words like ingenueeness can not complain about assume!
J
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