The Heelers Diaries

the fantasy world of ireland's greatest living poet

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Location: Kilcullen (Phone 087 7790766), County Kildare, Ireland

Sunday, July 15, 2012

our television listings

(The Irish national broadcaster. The station operates under a government sanctioned monopoly which means ordinary citizens are not allowed to set up television stations to compete with it. Catholic people are compelled to pay a licence fee to finance RTE, a station which despises them, their values, and their church. It's like something out of Mao's China. Honest. You couldn't make it up.)

3.25 Supernanny. Odious woman annoys children.
4.30 Murder She Wrote. Jessica hears the bald bloke on Have I Got News For You sneering at President Bush for not going after North Korea instead of Iraq. Jessica is incensed because she clearly remembers how liberals, including the bald bloke, sneered at President Bush seven years ago when he included North Korea in his axis of evil speech along with Iraq and Iran. Jessica shoots the bald git herself and surrenders to the police immediately. The quickest murder she's ever solved. No jury on the planet would convict her.
5.20 Nuacht. Do you want a hankie for that?
5.30 The Bill. Al Qaeda succeed in having one of their agents appointed as Justice Minister in Britain. He orders the cops of Hill Street to search the offices of a Conservative Shadow Spokesman at Westminster in order to try and discredit the Conservative Party generally. Afterwards the Muslim Justice Minister is himself forced to resign over inflated expenses claims. Another of the Muslim Justice Minister's agents in a senior position at Scotland Yard makes sure to be photographed in public with a list of Pakistani terrorists prominently displayed under his arm. The names of the Pakistani terrorists are clearly visible to cameras with a zoom lens. This is the favoured method for Al Qaeda infiltrators in the British police to tip off Muslim terrorists that they're under surveillance.
6.00 The Angelus. The bells, the bells.
6.01 News. RTE's propaganda against Christianity continues in the guise of the most anodyne reportage on the planet earth.
7.00 Living The Wildlife. A look at animals living in the waters around Dublin. Tonight's episode focusses on the Labour Party.
7.30 Eastenders. Nick leaves the Square. Al Qaeda blow up Paris and Berlin.
8.00 Fair City. After slashing his own van's tyres Cass feigns outrage and receives widespread sympathy. Al Qaeda bribe Irish politicians to look the other way while terrorist agents are smuggled into Ireland. A boatload of Pakistani terrorists disembarks in Cork. The terrorists melt into the countryside.
8.30 Outbreak. No one cares what this programme is.
9.00 News. Those lovable propagandists are back.
9.35 Prime Time. Left wing atheist John Bowman onanistically satisfies himself by inviting a panel of his friends to attack the Catholic church. They'll all burn in hell. It's such a privilege for me as an Irish citizen to be compelled to finance John Bowman's agendas.
10.35 Ryan Confidential. Gerry Ryan, who happened to walk into a top paying job at RTE in circumstances that had nothing to do with him being a childhood friend of the Charles Haughey political dynasty. I mean family. RTE pay Gerry Ryan something around three quarters of a million smackers every year for having no listeners or viewers. That's monopoly TV folks. You could create a lot of jobs with three quarters of a mill. Instead RTE created one. Watch this programme and vomit at the injustice of it all.
11.30 The View. John Kelly and his panel (another f---ing panel) review the Spanish thriller Fermat's Rooms. This programme will be of particular interest to John Kelly's mother and nobody else.
12.10 News. Expect no mention of the possibility that peaceloving Muslim terrorists downed the French airliner over the South Atlantic.
12.15 Medium. Allison is asked to join a corporation by another psychic. What? I mean what the fuh. I mean for crying out loud. No sentient human being could watch this. What the hell is RTE doing with the licence fee? Could they possibly be putting this on just to annoy me? I mean there must be some explanation.
1.05 Road To Ruin. Comedy film starring Peter Weller and Carey Lowell. Directed by Charlotte Brandstorm. I'm sure these are all perfectly decent people but I could contemplate no circumstances under which I would stay up until 1.05am to watch them for two hours. Hey RTE. Why don't you put on a pro Catholic Christian television show some time? Just for larfs.
2.45 Telly Bingo. It's the end of the world as we know it.
2.55 Shortland Street. The most intellectual programme on RTE.

First published: June 2009.


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