our television listings
RTE1
(The Irish national fraudcaster.)
4.25 Murder She Wrote. Jessica thwarts a mass murder attempt while attending the Hopkins Poetry Festival in Monasterevin. She catches me in the act of trying to blow up every other poet in Ireland by placing dynamite in the hotdogs at the outdoor barbecue. As I'm being led away in handcuffs, Jessica asks me why I did it. I reply with a Scooby Doo homage: "I wanted to wipe out these pseuds so I could be Ireland's greatest living poet for real. And I would have gotten away with it as well, if it wasn't for you, you meddling senior citizen."
5.20 Nuacht. I have a theory about this programme. It's aliens trying to make contact with us through the airwaves. And they're not coming through very clearly.
5.30 The Bill. Cor blimey, it's the day of Police Constable Honey Harman's cor blimey wedding to suspected cor blimey murderer cor blimey Scott Burnett. Cor blimey this is just perfect cor blimey entertainment for children coming in for their cor blimey tea. Cor blimey.
6.00 The Angelus. Rung by Quasimodo. This is the only even vaguely Christian programme on RTE, and it consists of one minute of bell ringing.
6.01 News. Read by Chairman Mao.
7.00 Nationwide.
7.30 The Reel Deal. Traditional music programme. I don't see what's so traditional about awful music. But I'm sure this programme will help clarify the issue. Deedly deedly aye, indeed.
8.00 Eastenders. Anissa brings her Irish poet home to meet the family with interesting results.
8.30 Rachel Allen: Bake! This programme should have been called Rachel Allen: Half Baked!
9.00 News. Read by Pol Pot.
9.30 One Fine Day. Romantic comedy from 1996. Robert De Niro and Michael Douglas take the acting honours. That is to say they made the honourable decision not to have anything to do with this turkey. The actual stars are George Clooney and Michelle Pfeiffer. You gotta feel sorry for Michelle. I mean, imagine having a name like Pfeiffer. And then having to star in a turkey like this with that galoot Clooney. Truly she suffers for her art.
11.25 News. Read by Joseph Stalin.
11.30 Fascination. Jacqueline Bisset thriller about something or other that happens to someone or other before everything is either sorted out or not.
1.25 Monk. Debut of a news series. Quite why RTE would debut a new series at 1.25 in the morning is beyond me. Needless to say, the omens are not good.
2.15 Telly Bingo. An entertaining television programme, my kingdom for an entertaining television programme. Hint: It's not this one.
NB: RTE reserves the right to cancel advertised programme schedules at a moment's notice if it finds any women at all willing to come on air and say negative things about nursing homes, schools, indigent care facilities, Magdalene laundries for single mothers, or any other institutions run by nuns. RTE will in no circumstances allow women on the air who say they have benefited from the services provided by the nuns at such facilities. RTE in fact will not tolerate former residents of Magdalene Laundries who wish to praise the love, care, guidance, education and savour of life that nuns gave in nursing homes, schools, indigent care facilities, Magdalene laundries or any other institutions while receiving no wages, and at a time when the Irish State was providing no social services of its own, and Judge Liberals were sending any women they came across from prostitutes, child abuse victims, the poor, the criminal classes and anywhere else, to be looked after by the nuns, the same nuns who never under any circumstances turned such women away.
(The Irish national fraudcaster.)
4.25 Murder She Wrote. Jessica thwarts a mass murder attempt while attending the Hopkins Poetry Festival in Monasterevin. She catches me in the act of trying to blow up every other poet in Ireland by placing dynamite in the hotdogs at the outdoor barbecue. As I'm being led away in handcuffs, Jessica asks me why I did it. I reply with a Scooby Doo homage: "I wanted to wipe out these pseuds so I could be Ireland's greatest living poet for real. And I would have gotten away with it as well, if it wasn't for you, you meddling senior citizen."
5.20 Nuacht. I have a theory about this programme. It's aliens trying to make contact with us through the airwaves. And they're not coming through very clearly.
5.30 The Bill. Cor blimey, it's the day of Police Constable Honey Harman's cor blimey wedding to suspected cor blimey murderer cor blimey Scott Burnett. Cor blimey this is just perfect cor blimey entertainment for children coming in for their cor blimey tea. Cor blimey.
6.00 The Angelus. Rung by Quasimodo. This is the only even vaguely Christian programme on RTE, and it consists of one minute of bell ringing.
6.01 News. Read by Chairman Mao.
7.00 Nationwide.
7.30 The Reel Deal. Traditional music programme. I don't see what's so traditional about awful music. But I'm sure this programme will help clarify the issue. Deedly deedly aye, indeed.
8.00 Eastenders. Anissa brings her Irish poet home to meet the family with interesting results.
8.30 Rachel Allen: Bake! This programme should have been called Rachel Allen: Half Baked!
9.00 News. Read by Pol Pot.
9.30 One Fine Day. Romantic comedy from 1996. Robert De Niro and Michael Douglas take the acting honours. That is to say they made the honourable decision not to have anything to do with this turkey. The actual stars are George Clooney and Michelle Pfeiffer. You gotta feel sorry for Michelle. I mean, imagine having a name like Pfeiffer. And then having to star in a turkey like this with that galoot Clooney. Truly she suffers for her art.
11.25 News. Read by Joseph Stalin.
11.30 Fascination. Jacqueline Bisset thriller about something or other that happens to someone or other before everything is either sorted out or not.
1.25 Monk. Debut of a news series. Quite why RTE would debut a new series at 1.25 in the morning is beyond me. Needless to say, the omens are not good.
2.15 Telly Bingo. An entertaining television programme, my kingdom for an entertaining television programme. Hint: It's not this one.
NB: RTE reserves the right to cancel advertised programme schedules at a moment's notice if it finds any women at all willing to come on air and say negative things about nursing homes, schools, indigent care facilities, Magdalene laundries for single mothers, or any other institutions run by nuns. RTE will in no circumstances allow women on the air who say they have benefited from the services provided by the nuns at such facilities. RTE in fact will not tolerate former residents of Magdalene Laundries who wish to praise the love, care, guidance, education and savour of life that nuns gave in nursing homes, schools, indigent care facilities, Magdalene laundries or any other institutions while receiving no wages, and at a time when the Irish State was providing no social services of its own, and Judge Liberals were sending any women they came across from prostitutes, child abuse victims, the poor, the criminal classes and anywhere else, to be looked after by the nuns, the same nuns who never under any circumstances turned such women away.
posted by heelers | 4:16 AM
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