the triumvirate

Act 1, Scene 1.
Enter: stage left, Archbishop Diarmuid Martin, Cardinal Sean Brady, and Indpendent Newspapers journalist John Cooney.


John Cooney: "I have a little list."

Archbishop Diarmuid Martin: "You have done your work well."

John Cooney: "It contains the names of all the Bishops who must be laid low. All that remains is for you to confirm that each one must go."

Archbishop Diarmuid Martin: "With a spot I damn them. I damn them all."

John Cooney: "You must give your assent to each one individually."

Cardinal Sean Brady: "We must do things nicely."

Archbishop Diarmuid Martin: "Very well. Say on."

John Cooney: "Bishop O'Mahoney."

Archbishop Diarmuid Martin: "With a spot I damn him."

Cardinal Sean Brady: "He is a nice man. Are you sure you want to damn him?"

Archbishop Diarmuid Martin: "I am constant as the northern star. I was constant when I lied about receiving O'Mahoney's letter to me. I was constant when I concealed the fact that I had suppressed his letter. I was constant when I lied about being unaware of any apology O'Mahoney had issued. I was constant in maintaining my lies even after my own staff revealed I was lying and that I was fully aware of O'Mahoney's letter. I was constant when I lied that he had never issued any formal apology. I was constant in leaking lying defamatory comments about him to the Irish Times and Independent Newspapers. I was constant in my lying efforts to force him to reissue an apology he had already issued even though he should not have been apologising at all. I was constant in lyingly and mendaciously concealing his every attempt to act with Christian humility. I was constant in all of this. And constant do I remain to damn him."

Cardinal Sean Brady: "Okay."

Archbishop Diarmuid Martin: "And I was constant as a former member of the Vatican Diplomatic Corps in using my influence with progressive elements in the Curia to put lying words in the Pope's mouth that made it appear he supported my actions after the publication of Yvonne Murphy's report. And wait till you see how constant I'll be when I'm doing that again with the Pope's next encyclical which I'm currently drafting for the earliest possible release. Hoo boy, I'm constant alright."

Ed Note: (Sotto voce from off stage.) "That's enough constants."

John Cooney: "Bishop Eamon Walsh."

Archbishop Diarmuid Martin: "With a spot I damn him."

Cardinal Sean Brady: "But he's a nice man."

Archbishop Diarmuid Martin: "You think everybody's nice."

Cardinal Sean Brady: "I suppose I do."

John Cooney: "Bishop Martin Drennan."

Archbishop Diarmuid Martin: "With an interview in the Irish Times I damn him."

Cardinal Sean Brady: "Oh Your Eminence. That's a good one."

Archbishop Diarmuid Martin: "You're the Eminence. You outrank me."

Cardinal Sean Brady: "Oh right. I forgot."

John Cooney: "So Bishop Martin Drennan?"

Archbishop Diarmuid Martin: "He is damned."

Cardinal Sean Brady: "But even Yvonne Murphy says he did nothing wrong."

Archbishop: "Yvonne Murphy mentioned him and so he is damned. I damned him and so he is damned. He is thrice damned to serve our purpose. Put a spot beside his name and damned be he who cries hold enough."

Cardinal Sean Brady: "Okay."

John Cooney: "All other Bishops whose names Judge Yvonne Murphy is attempting to drag through the mud."

Archbishop Diarmuid Martin: "With a spot I damn them. I damn them all. They may not speak for themselves. They must adopt the posture of utmost guilt cowering like craven dogs before me and my friends whilest we label them concealers of child abuse. They must be presumed guilty of any and all wrongdoing we have contrived against them. Their lifetimes of self sacrifice, integrity and love for Ireland are to be nothing against our casual innuendos and the arbitrary retrospectively applied judgements of a feminist atheist like Yvonne Murphy, whose Judicial class, a satanic cadre of Judges, Litigation Lawyers and Journalists, has between them caused the collapse in Irish society. Nyah ha ha, gee force."

Cardinal Sean Brady: "Why are my hands red."

Archbishop Diarmuid Martin: "It's just some dye from your Cardinal's hat."

Cardinal Sean Brady: "But I've been trying to wash it off for months. And it won't come off. Fie my Lord, fie. Out damned spot. Out I say. What will these hands never be clean. Yet who would have thought a few old Bishops would have so much dignity in them."

John Cooney: "He's mad Archy."

Archbishop Diarmuid Martin: "I know. But in these sorts of conspiracies you've got to make do with what you've got. Few enough are those who will league with us in the betrayal of Christ."

(Exeunt all, singing Knees Up Harry Brown.)

Curtain.