whimsical grotesques

I opened an Evening Herald today.
I knew I shouldn't.
It was lying forlornly in a cafe and I felt sorry for it.
Its owners Independent Newspapers leave them lying around cafes in order to try and prop up brand recognition while their sales collapse.
It's what they call a strategy.
Hilarious no.
They can't give them away.
Sinking beneath the waves giggling slanders against our ancient faith.
And the band plays on.
So I picked up the Evening Herald.
I was sort of glum.
I was thinking: If I read this I'm only going to start accusing them of ripping off my blog.
And lo.
What drug using skank is this that through yonder window breaks?
Why it is the east and a half wit called Olaf Tyranson is the sun.
Here is the news.
Apparently Norway has plagiarists too.
For this young Norwegian druggy was writing a blatent rip off of my work in the Evening Herald.
I read it with slow widening eyes.
Cheap, tawdry, mawkish.
And then flashes of genius where he's tried to insert stuff from here.
A thought struck me.
It's kind of sad.
All the writers ripping me off are odious clapped out atheist types who do drugs.
I mean all of them.
Clearly I'm attracting a poor class of plagiarist.
The Irish Independent regularly features a humour column by cannabinoid Paedophile Ian O'Doherty, the coward who famously, falsely, maliciously and malignly called the Catholic Church a paedophile ring.
The Irish Independent was happy to publish that remark.
O'Doherty has been making a killing ripping off this blog in his column for years.
I gotta say it.
He's gotten much better at plagiarising me than Olaf Farting Tyranson.
I suppose practice makes perfect.
I have a question.
Why on earth doesn't Independent Newspapers hire someone to do impressions of me who is not an habitual drug user?
It's just an idea.

And are they really so sure that my gentle life affirming stylings stem from hallucinatory derangement?

And what in God's name do they think is so wonderful about my work anyway?
Oh Lord, save me from my disciples.
They're starting to annoy me.



Footnote: The philosopher Nietzhe wishes to inform Olaf Tyranson of the following. "Wer mit ungeheurn kampft muss zusehen das er nicht dabei ungeheur wird. Und wenn du blickst in der abgrund, der abgrund blickst auf in dich hinein." Which means... When you plagiarise the Heelers Diaries, beware, lest the Heelers Diaries gives you a kick in the bawls. And when you stare into the Heelers Diaries, the Heelers Diaries stares right back into you."