The Heelers Diaries

the fantasy world of ireland's greatest living poet

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Location: Kilcullen (Phone 087 7790766), County Kildare, Ireland

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Friday, January 25, 2013

idea for a novelty music video in aid of charity

The song will be a parody of Suzanne Vega's 1980's number Marlene On The Wall.
It will feature an evocative elegiac homage to the famously foulacious British soccer player Vinnie Jones.
It will be called Vinnie Jones Off The Ball.
The video will include a montage of Vinnie Jones' most famous fouls, the hack and slash, the Gazza testicle pull, the In Yer Face Guv, the Scare The Ref, and the Intifada. (That last one's Palestinian football surely? Ed note)
These will be projected onto a screen behind the performers.
The song itself will be sung thusly:

"Even though soccer is incredibly boring
Ninety minutes of fouls and goring
I know I really should be deploring
The destruction of a once great sport

Vinnie Jones watches from off the ball
His mocking smile says it all
As he observes the rise and fall
Of every player he's hacked down
The only player now is me
I'm fighting things I cannot see
Oh my God I think he's behind me
And I'm running running running
Vinnie Jones off the ball
Ner ner ner ner
Vinnie Jones off the ball

Even though I cannot stand this game
Every match to me just looks the same
Drugged up players acting insane
Match fixing and no one's to blame
Is what you might have told me
This may sound just like a moan
The Professional Footballers Association insist the rules should be left alone
They skirt around the penalty zone
And commit their fouls outside it

Vinnie Jones watches from off the ball
His mocking smile says it all
As he grabs hold of Gazza's town halls
In a manner more wry than cruel
The only Bawl grabbing now is by match fixing Chinese Triads
They really are the liads
And they are ursurping, extorting, bribing, destroying

Vinnie Jones off the ball
Ner ner ner
Ner ner nerrrr

It could be fun with fewer players
And a sporting culture perhaps some prayers
Bigger goal mouths fewer slayers
Zero tolerance for crowd violence

Vinnie Jones watches from off the ball
His mocking smiles says it all
As he observes the rise and fall
Of every player he's totalled
The only player now is me
I'm fighting things I cannot see
My God I think he's behind me
And I am running running running
Vinnie Jones off the ball
Ner ner ner
Vinnie Jones off the ball"

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