The Heelers Diaries

the fantasy world of ireland's greatest living poet

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Location: Kilcullen (Phone 087 7790766), County Kildare, Ireland

Monday, March 18, 2013

the last knight of europe

It has been a heady and mystical session at Kilcullen prayer group.
Some of the oldies were talking in tongues.
Honest to Murgatroyd.
At least they thought they were.
I'd love to be able to discern if this speaking in tongues business is the real deal.
It all seemed pretty innocent to me.
A few indistinct mumbles directed skywards.
It's hard to be sure.
But nothing you'd mistake for ancient Aramaic on a dark night.
Now I've slipped away from my fellow maniacs.
I'm grabbing a quiet cup of tea in the kitchen of the parish building where our meetings take place.
Also snaffling a few surreptitious chocolate biscuits from the Bridge Club's personal stash.
They won't mind.
I'm connected.
The happiest half hours of life.
As I finish my munchings, my eye is caught by a notice on the wall.
The notice reads: "In the event of an incident involving abuse of children please phone..."
It gives phone numbers for the local police, the local hospital, and the local health board.
I withdraw the trusty magic marker from my coat pocket.
The big black one that I normally use for putting swastikas and Hitler taches on posters of Ireland's anti Catholic politicians from Fine Gael and the Labour Party.
I write at the bottom of the parish centre notice:
"And if, as is statistically far more likely, you've been abused by a police officer, a nurse, a doctor, a social worker, or any other health board employee, then you're really f--ked."
I leave the kitchen and, lost in thought, drift down the corridor towards the exit.
My attention is caught by a display table and notice board dedicated to teen issues.
The table is covered with booklets and leaftlets advertising labour party initiatives, amnesty international campaigns, pro Palestinian terrorist propaganda from a supposed charity styling itself Trocaire, and a poster featuring something called Spun Out.
Spun Out is an unattributed but clearly leftist attempt to mobilise youth opinion in favour of lowering the voting age in Ireland so that ever younger teens will have the opportunity to vote for ever more gormless abortionists from Ireland's already incomparably gormless, incomparably atheistic, incomparably abortionist political parties, ie Fine Gael, Labour, Fianna Fail and Sinn Fein.
The Spun Out poster features a particularly aggressive looking teenage girl with a browned off expression on her face under the slogan: "I'm Spun Out because no politician represents me."
I digest this for a moment.
The magic marker appears again.
I draw a line through the Spun Out slogan and pen in a new one.
It reads:
"I'm spun out because clapped out 1960's liberal atheists, along with Amnesty International, and the usual coterie of hugely overpaid low life left wing health board social workers keep representing teenagers as aggressive and unhappy, and keep trying to hijack teenagers as fodder for their clapped out activism and their woeful left wing abortionist Fine Gael, Labour, Fianna Fail and Sinn Fein political parties. I'm particularly spun out because these scruff are now using the Catholic Church which they despise in order to manipulate young people towards an anti Church agenda."
I pocket the magic marker.
The swing door clatters behind me.
Alone in the corridor the Archangel Michael, half to himself and half to eternity, intones drily:
"Heelers has left the building."


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