The Heelers Diaries

the fantasy world of ireland's greatest living poet

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Location: Kilcullen (Phone 087 7790766), County Kildare, Ireland

Tuesday, February 17, 2015

from our sports desk

Item 1: The Greeks have decided to deal with the fact that they are bankrupt and can't repay their debts by electing as Prime Minister an atheistic Marxist whose policies may be summed up as: "We are not going to pay our debts. We are going to keep spending money we don't have. And we want everyone else in Europe to keep giving us money to live this way." I am not optimistic about the policies of the new Greek government.

Item 2: Ireland have defeated the West Indies in the preliminary stages of the Cricket World Cup. I refer you to my previous writings about match fixing at the Cricket World Cup. The word Fixxxxxxxxxxxxx doesn't quite capture my depth of emotion on the matter. Still it would have been worse if I'd had a bet. (I'd have backed the Windies.) Pakistan have a good team this year. May go all the way. Pakistan have been improving ever since they abandoned their policy of slaughtering their coaches after a game. See my previous writings about the Al Haq murder of Bob Woolmer.

Item 3: The news broadcaster CNN's corporate editorial management team seem to have finally broken on through to the other side and now broadcast to us from a parallel universe. After a week of worldwide Al Qaeda attacks, CNN are running an article suggesting that Religion itself is the cause of mankind's problems. Not the Muslim religion you understand. Not the religion of Islam. But religion itself. According to CNN all religious people are to blame when Muslim Jihadis carry out a new spate of murders. According to CNN everytime the Jihadis kill people, the rest of us are to blame. Hoo baby. By the way CNN centres its argument only on the mayhem occurring this past week and CNN bolsters its thesis by including in its list of attacks, the shooting by an avowed atheist of three Muslims in America. So apparently religious people are responsible for atheist attacks too. The other attacks cited by CNN as discrediting Religion generally over the past week, are all Al Qaeda attacks. So let's recap. CNN thinks every time a world wide Muslim terror army kills more people, Religion itself is discredited. I gotta demur a little from that one. Ho hum. I suppose we could all worship Delusion like the heroes of CNN do. Or that other demi God in the CNN pantheon, Ted Whatsisname. I couldn't be arsed looking it up. He went out with Jane Fonda and founded CNN as a way to meet women when he wanted to cheat on Jane Fonda. Ted. Ted. Ted something. Not Ted Ward. Ted Bear. No. Ted Coppel. No. But that's on the right lines. Something Ted. Ted Something. This will drive me berserk till I remember. Just let it go. Don't even try to remember. It's not important. Say to your mind. It's okay. I don't need to know. Come on. Come onnnnnnnnnnnn. Ted Urglenblitzenbergerson. Noooo. Oh, I give up. Ted Little Tache On His Face. Ted who said Christianity Was A Religion For Losers. Ted oh this is awful. Ted. Little Millionaire. Ted who set up CNN in Atlanta in the 1980s. Ted who used to host something he called The Friendship Games as a way to sell out the West to the Soviets but mothballed the venture when the Russians tried to democratise. Ted who presided over the billion dollar pointless merger of three bankrupt companies styling themselves CNN, Time Magazine, and Warner Brothers, at the time all declaring non existent billion dollar profits, all paying Ted and Friends hundreds of millions in unjustifiable salaries, the whole con job financed by billion dollar loans from gangster banks which then went bust and were refinanced by compulsory taxation on the citizenry, and not only the banks went bust, but Ted's new mega company Time Warner CNN went bust too, and oh Ted, how I know youuuuu. Tedddddddddddddd Whatttttttttttt. This is killing me. Ted I don't care what your name is. Honest to goodness I could write a biography of you right now if I was allowed leave out your last name. Ted Brokaw. No. Ted the film by the salacious creator of the cartoon Family Guy. No. Not those Teds. Not any Ted in the phonebook. Just the one who founded CNN. Ted Nauseous. No. Ted from Mary Tyler Moore. Nooooo. Come on. Ted. Thou hast it all. King, Cawdor, Glamis, all and I fear thou paidst most foully for it. But what is your last name? Ted. Ted. Ted. Forgive me Ted. You're a better man than I am Ted. Ted Gungadin. Ted High Achiever. Ted Accomplished fellow. Ted Dead. But come on. Oh. I die. I die not pronouncing it because I can't remember it. Ted Mannerism. Ted thin shthrip of a lad. Ted suits. Ted you can't bring your money into the afterlife. Tedddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd.


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