The Heelers Diaries

the fantasy world of ireland's greatest living poet

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Location: Kilcullen (Phone 087 7790766), County Kildare, Ireland

Thursday, September 28, 2017

star trek 8 into farceness

Sulu: We're entering the neutral zone.

Kirk: Why is it called that?

Sulu: Because people who enter it often suffer deep seated neuroses.

Kirk: Ah. On account of the high intensity radiation belts.

Sulu: No. From getting shot at by Klingons.

Kirk: Shouldn't we call it the the neurotic zone then? Or the Kingons are gonna get yah sucker zone?

Sulu: The Kingons are gonna get yah, the Klingons are gonna get yah... That's by Gloria Estefan isn't it?

Chekov: Power failure on decks seven through nineteen Captain.

Kirk: Calm down Chekov.

McCoy: Sickbay here Jim. Life support dropping to twenty percent. Any lower and we all die.

Kirk: Steady Bones.

Spock: Ship's computer is suffering massive interference from an unknown source, Jim We risk losing all control over our course.

Kirk: You worry too much.

Uhuru: The fridge is broken.

Kirk: Red Alert! Switch on all those sirens that let us know it's time to panic.

Sulu: Noooooooooooooooooo.

Kirk: You don't like Red Alert? Or is it my after shave?

Sulu: It's not you Captain or the Red Alert. But the fridge. Good heavens, without a fridge, we'll, we'll, we'll... we'll have no bananas. We'll have no bananas for tea.

Kirk: Spock get an engineer to work on that fridge immediately. No, not Scotty. Someone who speaks a dialect we can understand. Why does everybody keep bringing these problems to me anyway?

Chekov: Klingon bird of prey decloaking off the starboard bow.

Kirk: What does she look like?

Chekov: It's a space ship Cap Teen.

Kirk: Oh. Again.

Uhuru: Do you want me to hail the Klingons Sir?

Kirk: Open a channel Lieutenant.

Uhuru: Hail Klingons. Hail noble Klingons. Sweet, sweet Klingons. Hail, hail, kindly, nice, cutesey pie Klingons.

Chekov: They're firing on us Cap Teen.

Kirk: I don't blame them. Still. It was worth a try... Uhuru! Whenever we encounter Klingons from now on, never do that again. Engineering, give me warp factor five, now Mister.

Scotty: She'll nae take it Cap'n.

Kirk: Does anybody know what he's saying?

Scotty: Ach, if ye poot any more seltzer in the spritzers, she's gonna blaw.

Kirk: Scotty if we don't get warp drive, there will be no Christimas party this year. Well. I mean. There'll probably be a party. But we won't be there.

Scotty: There's nothin I can do Cap'n. Ye dinnae ken.

Kirk: I don't understand you. What's ye dinnae ken?

Scotty: You don't understand.

Kirk: That's right. I don't understand.

Scotty: Ye dinnae ken.

Kirk: What do you mean?

Scotty: You don't understand me. Ye dinnae ken.

Kirk: Yes, but what does that mean?

Scotty: You don't understand.

Kirk: Who's on first?

Gorak the Destroyer: Surrender to the Klingon empire or die like a dog in the neuro zone.

Kirk: Who said that?

Uhuru: It was the Klingon commander Captain/

Kirk: Fuggoff. Not you Uhuru.

Gorak: What is your answer Kirk?

Kirk: Must play for time. Er. Talk to Scotty. He's on First today. I mean in command.

Gorak: Surrender or die.

Scotty: Och, hwaeee thee noo wee slickit cowerin timorous Klingonee.

Gorak: Seriously?

Kirk: I know. I have to put up with this all the time. It's very stressful when our lives depend on quick thinking and rapid communication under fire.

Spock: (In a low voice.) Captain I think if we reversed the polarities on the photonic beam emissions from our transporter system and directed them towards the warp coils on the Klingon vessel it would overload their reactor systems while simultaneously causing their shields to drop and their cargo of Muslim hamsters to self detonate.

Gorak: Hey I heard that.

Muhammy: So did I.

Kirk: No time Spock. Sulu, activate the positronic alpha particle array.

Sulu: The what in the where now?

Kirk: The blue button. Just push the blue button. That one right in front of you. It's our only hope. And it's the only button on the console we've never pushed before.

Gorak: I'm still inexplicably waiting.

Sulu: This blue button?

Kirk: Yes. For crying out loud.

Sulu: I'd say it's more purple than blue.

Kirk: Purple?

Sulu: Purple. Or mauve.

Gorak: This is your very last warning Kirk. Don't make me come up there... Maybe if I do a dramatic countdown, you will realise your predicament. Yes a countdown. That will really scare you. At least it will scare you more than the threat of imminent destruction seems to be doing. You have ten seconds Kirk. Nine, eight, seven...

Kirk: The blue button Sulu.

Sulu: I still say it's purple.

Gorak: Six, five, four...

Kirk: Alright I'll push it myself.

McCoy: You can't do that Jim.

Kirk: Why not?

McCoy: Health and safety regulations. Also union rules. And in modern space wars you need to take legal advice before opening fire on anything or pressing any new buttons. There could be civilian Klingons on that ship. And think of the hamsters.

Gorak: Three, two one!

Kirk: This is tense. Sulu, the blue button.

Sulu: Purple Captain. Violet at best. You might even call it magenta. Oh alright.

Spock: The Klingon ship has been destroyed Captain.

Kirk: Remind me to use that blue button more often Mr Spock.

McCoy, Sulu, Chekov and Spock: (relieved) Ho, ho, chuckle, chuckle, ha, ha, heee, heee, ho.

Uhuru: I don't ken.

Kirk: Oh buy an ankle length skirt why don't you. I'm sick of looking at your magnificent silken clad thighs. And get back to work the rest of you hogs.


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