The Heelers Diaries

the fantasy world of ireland's greatest living poet

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Location: Kilcullen (Phone 087 7790766), County Kildare, Ireland

Monday, December 11, 2017

road test

A few dulcet winters ago, the Irish Meteorological Service apparently decided to affiliate with a secret society of ultra left extremists in America called the Weather Underground, and came up with a new explanation for Ireland's perennial rain showers.
"It must be climate change," said Weather Girl Mollie Fembo. "This rain is worse than the rain we've been having for five thousand years. If we extrapolate lower rainfall for the years in which no statistics were taken, and if we selectively alter readings from the nineteenth century when figures were actually being taken but which don't aid our case, why then we can prove higher rainfall now. The science is established. I just feel it you know."
(You're a moose Mollie.)
That same week my brother Doctor Barn promptly drove his top of the range BMW himmlerwagen 9000 into a puddle on the Curragh road.
The car died.
I am firmly convinced the BMW conked out permanently for psychological reasons.
All the talk about climate change finally got to it.
Anyhoo.
For a few days I became a chauffeur driving the brother around.
I got to see how modern medicine works, watched him doing his Trapper John MD routine, hitting people on the chest, shouting "live, live," being paid for it, telling the peasantry I was his clerk, introducing me as James Hargreaves, and all that.
Nothing I wasn't used to.
Then one night we were driving down the Curragh road.
The deepest puddle in Irish history loomed ahead.
Too late I realised it was the BMW killer.
And I was going too fast.
"Sorry Barn," I said as we hit the water.
The car surfed it like a pro.
We drove on in moderate disbelief.
The moral of this road test:
Give the glory to God but a 1996 Nissan Almeira outperforms a new BMW every time.

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