waiting for the hurricane

Amara Walker: "This is CNN. The biggest hurricane ever is approaching the east coast. Experts say that when measured by the histrionics of our reporters this storm is absolutely unprecedented in size, scale, and dramatic effect. It could be Category Four by the time it makes landfall. At the moment it's Category Three. So we're giving our imaginary notion of Wind Speeds in kilometres per hour instead of miles per hour to make things seem a bit more exciting. The thing is actually blowing at about 60 miles an hour but don't tell anyone I told you. Ooops. It's dropped to CategoryTwo. But there's lotsa rain. More rain than at any time in history. Better make that centimetres per hour for the wind. Oh. Now it's a lousy Category One. Switching to milimetres. The wind speed is a dramatic 5000 milimetres per hour. So in real terms it should be renamed Hurricane A Bit Windy. This just coming in. Wolf Blitzer has been hit by lightning and we're going to mark him down as 3000 deaths right away rather than waiting six months to mendaciously hoist the death toll as we did in Puerto Rico last year. Wolf is worth 3000 ordinary people I think you'll all agree. CNN weather forecasters are blaming Donald Trump for calling down lightning on Wolf. We have live footage of massive inundations. Look at all that water when we point the camera out to sea or along the shoreline without making clear that we're actually standing on the shoreline. On the spot reporter Miguel De Cervantes, what's it like out there."

Miguel: "Ees raining Amara, the storm has dropped to Category A Half, and I love you."

Amara: "Join the queue."

Miguel: "Aw shucks."

Amara: "Reporter Ita Pizzola is on the spot in North Charleston."

Ita: "The rain is flooding the bits of land near the sea and the river. It's like any house beside a major waterway could get wet. It's absolute unprecedented carnage Amara."

Amara: "Those poor houses."

Ita: "Also the Australian guy who usually co presents with you has been picked up by Wind Shear and dumped in the Azores."

Amara: (Brightening suddenly) "Well it's an ill  wind that blows nobody any good."