scene from the motion picture vampires of dublin

(Camera: Interior Castle Dracula. The rumpus room. Drac and co are socialising.)

Enter Francois, Drac's amanuensis with a captured prisoner he's found wandering outside.

Francois: "Master, I found this one wandering in the grounds."

(Francois pushes prisoner forward. The prisoner's hands are in chains.)

Drac: "I think I know you."

British Comedian Tim Vine: "Well, everybody does."

Drac: "You're that guy who used to present Snooker on the television."

Tim Vine: "That's my brother David."

Drac: "I quite like him."

Tim Vine: "Vine with me."

Drac: "Is there a reason for you presence here?"

(Tim Vine does some Tim Vine patter which he'll have to script himself. The vampire themed jokes come thick and fast. Dracula is not a fan. As Tim Vine appears to pause for breath, Dracula raises his head from his hands.)

Drac: "I'm going to let you go. Francois! Loosen his bonds."

Francois: "But you never let them go."

Drac: "My mind is made up."

(Francois unlocks chains.)

Tim Vine: "Fang you very much."

(Tim Vine turns to girl vampire who is wearing a low cut dress.)

Tim Vine: "And fang you for the mammaries... Hmmm. Maybe I'll stay for an a-pair-of-teef. A pair of teeth. Geddit?"

Drac: "Off you go now Tim Vine. There's a comedy night special on the BBC at nine o'clock which you mustn't miss. Fare thee well Tim Vine. Fly, fly, fly."

(Tim Vine walks somewhat glumly out the door.)

(A moment later Tim Vine bursts through the door again accompanied by music.)

Music FX: Theme from Whatever Happened To The Heroes.

Tim Vine: (singing)
"Whatever happened to
All the comedians
I mean the good ones
Not the tragedians
Whatever happened to the heroes
Nerdle nerdle ner
Nerdle nerdle ner
Whatever happened to the heroes
Nerdle ner
Nerdle nerdle ner
No more Fawlties anymore
No more Fawlties anymore
Ner ner ner ner ner ner nerdle ner ner nerdle nerdle ner
Whatever happened to
Eric Morecombe
He got an art attack
That made his ears burn
Whatever happened to
Bill Oddie
Frankie Howerd
And the great Shappie Khorsandi
Whatever happened to the heroes
Nerdle ner
Nerdle nerdle ner
No more heroes anymore
No more Goodies anymore
No more Benny Hills anymore
Ner ner ner ner nerdle nerdle ner ner ner ner
Ner ner ner ner ner ner
Ner ner ner ner
Whatever happened to
Mike Yarwood
They replaced him
With someone no good
Whatever happened to the heroes
Nerdle nerdle ner
What every happened to the heroes
Nerdle ner
No more Mainwarings anymore
No more On The Buses anymore
No more Ooo Er Missus anymore
Ner, ner, ner, ner, nerdle nerdle ner ner
Nerdle ner nerdle ner nerdle ner ner"

(Tim Vine exits as though he had never been.)