idea for a novelty music video in aid of charity

Establishing shot: Roadside. Distinctive looking girl thumbing a lift. A Toyota Carolla screeches to a halt. She gets in.

Girl: "You're..."

James: "Bong, James Bong."

Girl: "You mean Bong like the drug user's paraphenalia?"

James: "No, no. I mean a cutesy word that sounds funny. Think of the bonging of a bell. That sort of bong. You people have completely lost all sense of innocence."

Girl: "Is this going to be a multi million dollar vanity video like Michael Jackson's Thriller?"

James: (Business with facial expressions.) "Er, well, there'll be vanity in it anyway."

Exterior shot: Casino. Bong's car screeches to a halt outside.
Interior shot: Bong is now at a card table facing off against some characterful actor. Maybe a big fat guy. Some of those guys do great characters. The game is player's choice.

Dealer: "Mr Bong the deal is to you. You may choose the game."

James: "Seven card stud, aces low."

The Dealer deals. Each player gets two cards face down, and one community card is laid in the centre of the table. Much card acting. James has two Kings down. Le Chiffre has two Aces down. The community card is an Ace giving Le Chiffre a three Aces. Both players bet desultorily. Another community card is dealt. It is a King. Le Chiffre still has three Aces. James has three Kings. Both players ham it up and bet desultorily again. Another community card is dealt. It is a Two of Diamonds. Le Chiffre still has three Aces. James still has three kings. More ham acting and desultory betting. The last community card is dealt. It is a Two of Clubs giving both a full players a full house, Le Chiffre in Aces, James in Kings. Neither bets. Each receives a final down card. James gets a King. Let Chiffre gets an Ace. James now has a Poker of Kings. Le Chiffre has a Poker of Aces.

Le Chiffre: (Sliding pile of chips into the centre of the table.) "One hundred million dollars. (To sexy girl beside him.) Oops, I dropped a chip. Would you pick that up for me? Thank you. (Ogles her bum characterfully and actorishly.)"

Crowd: "Murmur, murmur, murmur."

Camera Close Up on James. Lots of thoughtful face pulling, beaded sweat, loosening of ties. opening of shirt buttons.

James: (rubbing his neck issues a sudden scream) "Eeeeek. I've got a double chin."

(Gorgeous waitress appears with a drink on a tray.)

Waitress: "Your double gin Mr Bong."

James: "Thank you. (Still rummaging about his collar.) I knew I shouldn't have worn three ties today."

Point Of View Camera Shot From James To Le Chiffre. There are several really good looking girls beside him. They are wiggling at James and indicating parts of their bodies suggestively. Opening fur coats to reveal scanty clads. That sort of thing. Subtle is the mot injuste.

James: (To camera) "It's the blog. Chicks love the blog."

Sinister Arab In Full Abaya Standing In Crowd: (to possible accomplice) "What's an abaya? Oh and... Kill James Bong."

James: "I heard that. I mean I'm right here. For crying out loud."

Arab: "Sorry. Sorry. (In a stage whisper.) Kill James Bong."

Rather Splendid Girl: "I'm a waitress Guv."

Girls flanking Le Chiffre are now holding up signs that say: "Get it here." And somewhere the ghost of Rowan Atkinson's scriptwriter is smiling. (Or suing.) With difficulty James brings his attention back to the table.

Dealer: "Mr Bong. We are waiting."

James: "What was the  question again?"

Dealer: "The bet is to you. A hundred million dollars. You must play or fold."

James: "Neuf a la banque."

Dealer: "Excuse me?"

James: "I mean bloody hell." (He looks at his down cards. Lots of looking at cards acting.)

Le Chiffre: "You cannot bluff me."

James: (Pushing money into the centre of the table.) "I'll see your hundred million..."

(James waves an airy hand)

James: "And raise you..."

(James waves an airy hand again. This time he knocks his double gin into the cleavage of an exremely atrractive woman sitting at his right.)

James: "Sorry. Sorry."

(Lots of James frantically wiping the cleavage with a hankie and saying sorry and patting the cleavage apologetically. Woman's facial expressions vary and are a study. Somewhere the ghost of Woody Allen etc etc.)

James: (to Le Chiffre and getting back to the business in hand) "Raise... Five hundred million dollars."

Crowd: "Murmur, murmur, murmur."

Dealer: "Will you people stop murmuring! At least say real words. Cabbage or something. Didn't any of you even go to acting school? Try a little method, people. Think of your back stories."

Le Chiffre does some looking at Bong acting, some looking at cards acting and some loosening his shirt acting. Beads of sweat etc etc. At Bong's bet, the sexy girls move from Le Chiffre's side around the table to Bong's side and begin wiggling suggestively at Le Chiffre.

A cat suddenly lands on the table amid the chips.

Cat: "Meyow."

A Woman: "Screams."

Dealer: "It's alright. It's only a cat. Who let that cat in here?"

Le Chiffre: "Here, puss, puss, puss."

Dealer: "Monsieur Le Chiffre. It is your call."

Le Chiffre: "My name's Trevor."

Dealer: "Okay. Monsieur Le Trevor. You must play or pass."

Le Chiffre: "Very well Mr Bong. I will see you. Five hundred million dollars."

(He pushes remaining stack of chips into the centre of the table.)

They turn over their cards.

Bong: (Announcing his hand.) "Four Kings."

Le Chiffre: (Triumphantly) "Four Aces."

Music FX: The clashing metal riff from View To A Kill by the British music combo styling themselves Duran Duran gives a false start to the music and dies out. The riff is catchy but curious.

A Woman: "Screams."

Dealer: "Who let Duran Duran in here?"

Le Chiffre starts to draw in the chips.

Dealer: "Monsieur Le Chiffre, the game was called Aces Low. Aces are low. Mr Bong wins."

Music FX: The Duran Duran clashing metal riff again.

A Woman: "Screams."

Arab: "Kill Duran Duran."

Waitress: "Not me. I like them."

Le Chiffre: (to Bong) "You dare to defy me?"

James: "Never mind old chap. It's only money. Gosh it's late. Must fly. Yawn. Time to settle up our debts."

Le Chiffre does some great sinister Fat Guy villain acting and calls to a lacky.

Le Chiffre: "My checque book."

James: "I prefer cash."

Le Chiffre: (Tearing off checque and handing it to waiter) "Cash this."

Waiter stares at checque, his eyes become avid, he looks at camera maniacally, stuffs checque into jacket and exits.

James and Le Chiffre haven't noticed the waiter is absconding with the checque. They eye each other defiantly but neither can think of anything to say.

Le Chiffre: "Eh, err..."

James: "Ah, um, oh..."

Le Chiffre: (Optimistically) "Yes?"

James: "Nothing. I thought I had a good one there. But no. It's gone."

The waiter returns and dumps 500 million dollars on the table.

Waiter: (to camera) "I couldn't steal it. Stealing is wrong."

Le Chiffre: "Spend the money quickly Mr Bong."

James: "Waiter. Get me a coca cola please. And keep the change. All of it."

Waiter: (Joyful) "Neuf a la waiter!"

Le Chiffre: (in cold fury) "Bong, you bollocks. (Then to the waiter.) Spend the money slowly. Try to hold it on to it for at least five minutes."

Music FX: The clashing clashing metal riff from A View To A Kill. James speaks and continues into his version of the song.

James: "How do they do that riff? What sort of an instrument do you play it on? Do people actually specialise in that instrument? Oh yes, I play the grinding, scraping, clashing metal thing for Duran Duran. I studied it at the Sorbonne... Meeting you with a view to a kill. Face to face, secret places, feel the chill."

The song is performed straight. Not even a parody. But a few amusing visual vignettes. A pie fight. Gotta have one of those. Le Chiffre trying to throttle the waiter. The Arab pleading plaintively: "Is there anyone here who will help me kill James Bong?" The song version should be as good as Duran Duran's orginal. Maybe we could extend the video concept and follow View To A Kill with the Norwegian combo Aha's classic Living Daylights. Yes. Let's make this a double A Side.