fanfare for the c'mon man

 (being the latest unexpurgated extract from the diaries of Joe Biden president)

All the Republicans and their Fox news compatriots are tarryhootin about my immigration policy as though there's some kind of a crisis.

They obsess about the collapse of our borders as though it necessarily has to be a bad thing.

So millions of people are entering America at will from all over the world.

Peronally I fail to see the crisis.

They're all going to vote for me.

Then there's this retrograde obsession with voter fraud.

Let me be clear.

I'm abolishing voter fraud.

From now on, anyone can vote and no one can ask to see proof of identity when a person is voting.

Bingo.

No more voter fraud.

It's like legalising drugs.

The problem goes away overnight simply because you stop policing it.

Speaking of policing, since we're no longer enforcing our borders or investigating voter fraud, there's going to be a lot less need for professional cops.

I expect to make great savings in costs by abolishing the police and I also expect to see crime rates fall as we'll no longer be enforcing any laws or keeping any statistics on former laws even if they are still notionally being broken, ergo there'll no longer be a crime rate.

Take an example.

The murder rate will fall dramatically once we stop writing down details of all those murders.

Look.

There is always opposition to change.

I understand that.

I understand that small minded honkies look back to an idealised past, say like any time up to a year ago before I came to office, and yearn for the old certainties.

But real Americans stand with me.

Only last week former President Jimmy Carter contacted me to say he wished to thank me personally for making his presidency look good.

I intend to motivate the American people, young, old and newly arrived, by making them all look good in the same way I make Jimmy Carter look good. First I'll inspire them with a brisk "C'mon man." Then I'll win em over with a cosy anecdote hot off the teleprompter, script higlighter, thingie. This, along with the threat of FBI investigations of ordinary citizens concerned about the stuff we're teaching their kids in school, and the endless abolition of anything you might mistake for free speech or tradition on a dark night, should soon win over the nay sayers.

I'm going to abolish student loan debts in an unprecedentedly bold move that will cause a generation of indebted students to vote for me.

Also I'm going to bribe mafia run trade unions and State employees with limitless sums of borrowed money just for showing up to work.

I will meet all these bribe costs by printing more money.

What could possibly go wrong.

C'mon man.

Weimar style inflation couldn't happen twice.

And bribing electorates into quiescence is as American as Coca Cola or apple pie or whatever it is.

It's the real thingie.