relativitittie

 

"Don't write about the play."

The words were delivered with authoritative finesse by businesswoman Nessa Dunlea who is also in her spare time public relations officer for the gutsiest little amateur theatre company in Ireland, the shower of thesbians and promosexuals known to posterity as Kilcullen Drama Group.

A vague elegaic distant look came over my handsome preraphaelite features.

She noticed it.

"James," she said sharply. "I'm asking you not to write about the play."

"Any particular play?" I answered. "Or just everything you do in perpetuity?"

"I'm asking you not to write about our recent production of Jimmy Keary's play," she said with great precision.

"And I'm asking you not to allow thug ex cop Stephen Kinneavey who has harrassed me for ten years into the Drama Group," I rejoined.

"James that has nothing to do with anything," she said. "I'm asking you not to write about the play. Ever. That's all I'm asking."

I thought for a moment.

"Okay," I said resignedly. "I will not write about the play... now or in the future."

"That's all I'm asking," she repeated.

She left.

"I wish she'd asked me a few days ago," I mused aloud in a manner that had more than a soupcon of what scholars of my work might call wry glumness.

The ghost of Albert Einstein appeared.

"You know Heelers," he said merrily enough, "if you leave Kilcullen at the speed of light you vill go backward in time."

"Albert I've told you before that I think you're theories are a load of old cobblers," shot back I equally merry. "Fantasies written in pure mathematics. Really lovely mathematics. All of them built on proofs by induction, to wit, if this was true and that was true then the other would be true too. The only problem being none of those things are true. A person can't travel at the speed of light without becoming a light wave. In which case he'd be dead and would not be going back in anything let alone time. Time isn't a medium anyway. No one or no thing aside from God can go back in it. And light has no speed. And having swallowed your Relativity nonsense the world immediately goes and swallows even greater untestable mathematical fantasistic nonsense in the form of Quantum theory which doesn't even have a theory where a theory ought to be. In a hundred thousand incomprehensible equations, it manages to say nothing at all. The scientific community should be far more humble and recognise that these things are magnificent speculations. Novelisations of reality. Magnificent, sure. But essentially novelisations. And always, at every level, speculative."