action heroes to sue studios

An unprecedented joint legal action began today in the United States Circuit Court of Appeal when a group of fictional cinematic action heroes filed a formal law suit against the Hollywood studios and writers responsible for the plots of their films.
The group consists of established fictional characters, who accuse the studios of failing to develop topical story lines for the sequels to their most successful films.
Fictional Green Beret John Rambo told reporters that he and the other characters felt they had no choice but to take legal action.
"Like, yo, like our characters have been completely destroyed by the lack of courage and imagination in the sequels," Mr Rambo commented. "Take my own experience. The studios have completely chickened out with the most recent Rambo film. Here we are in the middle of a Muslim Jihad against the free world. Who do the film makers send me up against in the new film? Those dangerous world threatening commie Buddhists of Burmah."
"I gotta tell you this came as something of a surprise to me and my family and my legions of fans. It was like: Hey! Why isn't Rambo fighting Muslim terror? I was speechless. I mean not just speechless because I'm illiterate. I mean speechless because the situation, like yo, appalled me."
"There's no excuse. I'm not fighting Muslim terror because the studios are afraid to let me fight Muslim terror. I think I and other action heroes deserve monetary compensation for the studios' failure to send us into action against the real villains of the modern era."
"The Muslims drew first blood. In fact they drew first blood three thousand times on Nine Eleven. And they've been drawing first blood ever since. Yo, all I'm saying is that I really do believe the latest Rambo film is a flop because, like yo, those behind it ducked their responsibilities to my character and to the cinema going audience and to the traditions of freedom bequeathed to us by our forefathers. Yo."
He is receiving support from John McCain the fictional hero of the Die Hard films who told reporters he agreed strongly with Mr Rambo's analysis.
"The studios are wussies," Mr McCain muttered grimly. "They've got me fighting computer hackers in the latest Die Hard film. Well it sank without trace of course. But I suppose the studio chiefs slept more soundly in their beds knowing they'd taken the cowards' option in ignoring the biggest threat to western civilisation in a thousand years. I'm looking forward to seeing them in open court and saying: Yipikayay Motherf---ers."
His sentiments were echoed by Mr Snake Plisskan from the classic Escape From New York film who was even angrier about the situation. Mr Plisskan is much celebrated among action heroes because he does not have John as a first or last name.
"They took twenty years to come up with a sequel for Escape From New York," snarled Plisskan. "And who do I end up fighting? Director John Carpenter sends me into battle against evil Christians. Rambo's fighting Buddhists and I'm fighting Christians. Carpenter has lost it. Too many drugs. Not enough films. He was the only original voice in the past fifty years of American cinema. Now look at him. A sell out conformist. It's a tragedy. The worst type of conformist. A conformist radical. A conformist radical pseud trying to get his name into Time magazine. I dread to think what he'd have me saying in any new Snake Plisskan film. He'd probably have me endorsing Barack Obama for President. President of what, I hear you cry. We'll sort that out later. Let's face it. The chances of me actually getting to shoot a few Jihadis are slim. Carpenter's afraid the Jihadis might come looking for him. He's right. They might. And that's just it. If we're afraid the Jihadis might come after us, that's precisely the time when we should be defying them. They don't rule us. And they never will. It's the future of the human race. Something Barack Obama doesn't give a sh-t about."
Another named hero, who is joint party to the law suit, is fictional British secret agent James Bond.
Even though the original author of the Bond series, Ian Fleming, is deceased, Mr Bond continues to appear in a series of anodyne novels written by contemporary authors who are specially commissioned by Penquin publishers to produce new books in the Fleming style.
Penquin have published 14 new Bond books to date.
The last one sold just 5000 copies.
I kid you not.
As with the other action heroes, the cinematic Bond is disappointed that he has yet to face off against the Muslim terrorists who are threatening humanity.
In fact he has yet to face Muslim terror in either the new books or the ongoing series of films in which he is the main character.
"It does leave one a bit disillusioned," 007 informed reporters with the urbane drawl from his Roger Moore incarnation. "I've lent my name to the lawsuit because I think it's time people in the west woke up and realised their way of life is under threat."
"If we're not free to write books or make films about Muslim villains, at a time when there is a surfeit of Muslim villains to choose from, if we're not free or if we're too afraid, what does that say about who's winning the war on terror? We're getting defeatist films from Tom Hanks blaming America for the emergence of the cult of the Jihadis. We're getting similar anti American drivel from a non entity called Steve Cuban who has made a flop film alleging American atrocities in Iraq. These fellows are churning out pro Jihadi propaganda films all of which sink without trace at the box office. But the damage is being done."
"Nobody's making any films where the Muslim terrorists get their comeuppance. Just who exactly does Hollywood, (and the publishing companies and media groups of the west who benefit so much from our not being ruled by Muslims), just who exactly do they, (and CNN, and the BBC, and the Associated Press, and NBC, and CBS, and Skybollah, and the Irish Times, and the Times of London, and the Guardian, and the Washington Compost, and all their ilk), tell me truly, just who exactly are any of these bast--ds rooting for in the war on terror?"
"During the Cold War, Ian Fleming wrote books in which my character faced off against the Russians every day of the week. Imagine if he'd been writing in the style currently advocated by my publishers. I would have been a secret agent with nothing to do. We'd all have been in denial about Soviet Russia. Pretending it wasn't there. Thankfully that didn't happen. The Russians had a nasty habit during the Cold War of absorbing countries that pretended they weren't there."
"I'm telling you that the present generation, including our pissant dilletante publishers and film makers, you mark my words, the present generation are now going to have to defend freedom as their fathers and mothers did or else lose it. They're going to have to defeat Arab terror or surrender to it. Frankly I'm not sure which they'll choose. Certainly the Arabs have much to hope for when they read Michael Moore's latest, or Robert Fisk's, or Noam Chomsky's or John Pilger's. The Lord Haw Haws of the modern era. I assure you they've been bought and paid for."
"As for the books in which I appear, I dread to think what's coming next. They'll probably ask Al Gore to write one. And that useless quisling git will have me out fighting to save the environment or the whales or the bloody rainforests. The Jihadis aren't going away you know. Russian communists and even German Nazis were less of a threat than Muslim terror. Because the Russians are and were an ancient cultured people. The Germans also have a tradition of learning and accomplishment. What are the accomplishments of Islam?"
(A tumbleweed blew by after Mr Bond asked this question.)
"Exactly," he continued. "All I'm seeking from my publishers is a chance to engage with a topical enemy. Ian Fleming gave me a licence to kill. Why on earth won't the politically correct conformist pseuds who've hijacked my character and insist on publishing new books without any style, substance, wit, or valour, books which totally cheapen and demean my legacy and reputation, why oh why, won't they let me use that licence to kill against some of the Muslim terrorist scum who really deserve it? I mean, I don't want to go casting no aspersions..."