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RTE1
(The Irish National Fraudcaster. A television station of the liberal left wing atheists, by the liberal left wing atheists, for the liberal left wing atheists, but financed by a compulsory tax on the Catholic citizenry of this country who are not themselves permitted to set up a television station to compete with this manipulative pagan drivel. There will come a time when, blah blah blah, the Mayor will have my ass, blah blah blah, this is the last time, blah, by the book, blah, liberals grrrr, blah blah blah, meths lab on Malavista, blah blah etc etc.)
4.25 Murder She Wrote. Jessica deals with a phantom haunting an office building. After an hour of charming amateur detective work she concludes the phantom is actually the janitor Old Myers, who's been disguising himself as a ghost in order to scare people away while he digs in the basement for diamonds. These things happen. Usually in Scooby Doo.
5.20 Nuacht. No, still don't know what this is.
5.30 The Bill. Cor blimey, the kids are gonna love this week's episode when they cor blimey come in from cor blimey school. RTE's ongoing battle to turn the entire Republic of Ireland into a cockney enclave continues with the cor blimey coppers of Sun Hill once more tackling cor blimey crime with all the skill and dedication that modern social workers can bring to the cor blimey job. This afternoon's episode is specially geared towards children who are the only one's watching television at this time. Detective Inspector Neil Manson is under investigation by the National Crime Squad. The investigation takes a new turn when Manson is attacked and drugged. Mannix this ain't. If you find The Bill even momentarily entertaining, please write and tell me. I could do with a laugh. Cor blimey indeed.
6.00 The Angelus. Rung by Quasimodo.
6.01 The News and News For The Deaf. (They shout the second part.)
7.00 Nationwide. Yawn fest.
7.30 This Is Me. Maurice Corcoran talks about his battle with the sleep disorder narcolepsy. It is ironic that RTE should be showing this programme since scholars agree that RTE itself is one of the prime causes of narcolepsy.
8.00 Eastenders. Cor blimey where's me debased licence fee funded social pornograpy gone? Oh it's right here.
8.30 Customs. Documentary programme. Tonight a passenger makes a run for it at Dublin airport. I hope he's a peaceloving follower of the religion of Islam and that he escapes to make a new home for himself as a street sign holder working for the Black Jackets Arab Pakistani Muslim crime gang on Grafton Street. Yeah. We could do with a few more of those. I wonder would they like to have Sharia law introduced into Ireland. I'm sure they'll tell us eventually.
9.00 News. In case anything's happened since six o'clock.
9.30 Father And Son. New drama which dribbles on for four episodes. It's an RTE and UTV coproduction financed by me. Really just another cor blimey glorification of criminality and atheistic ideology masquerading as dramatic realism. Wait till you hear the fake working class accents. British and Irish ones mixed together this time. Cor blimey. Top o the morning to you Sorr. And of course begorrah and begob. Starring the abysmal Stephen Rea. I remember fifteen years ago when I starred with Stephen Rea in a Channel Four pro IRA film called A Further Gesture. Well, Stephen Rea starred in it. I was an extra. It flopped of course. But never mind. It was financed by the European Union. So only the citizens of Europe were getting gypped. I kid you not. Stephen Rea spent his days on the set glaring at me. I appeared in the prison scenes with him so we were in close proximity a lot. While filming I used to remain in character for the full sixteen hour day. I had an ambition to be an actor you see and still believed such things as merit could make a difference. Rea found this absolutely hilarious. Again I kid you not. Truly he was a tit. No not a tit. Tits are good things and occasionally have careers. Stephen Rea was a stage Irishman being paid tax payers' money to do a job no member of the public would ever willingly pay him to do if given a choice. Ah memories. Here's to you Rea. No hard feelings mate. Cor blimey. Oh pale Northie ham, how thou hast conquered. I wonder which of us, history will adjudge to have made the more lasting contribution to the arts. The funny thing is that when we extras were summoned to collect our pay checques, Channel Four had put a notice on the door telling us to come back tomorrow. About 15o of us had been told to be at the studio offices on a particular day at a particular time. Rather than phoning us to tell us they'd changed the plan, they let us all show up, find the notice, and come back another day. This from the brave humanitarian Channel Four who were so intent on heroic depictions of the IRA. Hilarious, no? I politely asked to speak to the producer about why the extras had not been paid at the appointed time and why no effort had been made to spare them an unnecessary journey to Dublin. An horrendous blonde harridan from the production staff at Irish Town films had the security men throw me off the set. Irish Town films were partners with Channel Four on the doomed project. Classy classy people.
10.30 Questions And Answers. A special valedictory episode. With emphasis on the dics. Celebrating thirteen years of the panel discussion programme. Can it really be just thirteen years since John Bowman and Olivia O'Leary began sneering at Catholic values in synchronised harmony at tax payers' expense? My, we have been privileged. Warning, warning. This programme may cause narcolepsy. Fire in the disco. Fire in the disco. Fire in the gates of hell. Fire in the documentaries department. Fire in the Director General's office. Fire in the taco bell. Danger, danger, high voltage. When we touch, when we kiss, when we touch. Danger, danger, high voltage, when we pseudo intellectualise. When we diss. When we diss. When we diss. Diss 1500 years of Irish Christianity and the faith of our fathers, that is... Sorry, I lost it there for a moment.
11.45 News. You gotta love the news department at RTE. You gotta love it or lump it.
11.50 Mad Men. I have no idea what this programme is about.
12.45 Hope And Glory. 1997 Film from Director John Boorman about his cosmically boring childhood in wartime Britain. Incidentally, Boorman is most famous for a line in his whining self pitying autobiography where he presumes to assert that the Irish people have been tragically oppressed by the Catholic church. I found it vaguely disturbing that a British piece of crap like Boorman should dare to allege Catholic oppression had occurred in Ireland. So Boorman, a British person, thinks the Catholic church oppressed Ireland. Ironic, eh? Any other oppressors spring to mind John? Here is the news. The Catholic church is the treasure of Ireland. The Catholic church has shaped, liberated and enlightened our nation and culture for more than 1500 years. The Catholic church has enabled the Irish people to see off 800 years of British oppression and to avoid the slavery of communism which has ravaged three quarters of the planet earth. The Catholic church is what we are. You anodyne atheistic left wing hipster doophus. Yes. Boorman is a cosmic dribbler. Of course RTE love him. They showed Excalibur again yesterday for some god awful unknown reason. Tripe and onions as with all Boorman films. The mayor will have my ass. Blah, blah, blah etc etc.
(The Irish National Fraudcaster. A television station of the liberal left wing atheists, by the liberal left wing atheists, for the liberal left wing atheists, but financed by a compulsory tax on the Catholic citizenry of this country who are not themselves permitted to set up a television station to compete with this manipulative pagan drivel. There will come a time when, blah blah blah, the Mayor will have my ass, blah blah blah, this is the last time, blah, by the book, blah, liberals grrrr, blah blah blah, meths lab on Malavista, blah blah etc etc.)
4.25 Murder She Wrote. Jessica deals with a phantom haunting an office building. After an hour of charming amateur detective work she concludes the phantom is actually the janitor Old Myers, who's been disguising himself as a ghost in order to scare people away while he digs in the basement for diamonds. These things happen. Usually in Scooby Doo.
5.20 Nuacht. No, still don't know what this is.
5.30 The Bill. Cor blimey, the kids are gonna love this week's episode when they cor blimey come in from cor blimey school. RTE's ongoing battle to turn the entire Republic of Ireland into a cockney enclave continues with the cor blimey coppers of Sun Hill once more tackling cor blimey crime with all the skill and dedication that modern social workers can bring to the cor blimey job. This afternoon's episode is specially geared towards children who are the only one's watching television at this time. Detective Inspector Neil Manson is under investigation by the National Crime Squad. The investigation takes a new turn when Manson is attacked and drugged. Mannix this ain't. If you find The Bill even momentarily entertaining, please write and tell me. I could do with a laugh. Cor blimey indeed.
6.00 The Angelus. Rung by Quasimodo.
6.01 The News and News For The Deaf. (They shout the second part.)
7.00 Nationwide. Yawn fest.
7.30 This Is Me. Maurice Corcoran talks about his battle with the sleep disorder narcolepsy. It is ironic that RTE should be showing this programme since scholars agree that RTE itself is one of the prime causes of narcolepsy.
8.00 Eastenders. Cor blimey where's me debased licence fee funded social pornograpy gone? Oh it's right here.
8.30 Customs. Documentary programme. Tonight a passenger makes a run for it at Dublin airport. I hope he's a peaceloving follower of the religion of Islam and that he escapes to make a new home for himself as a street sign holder working for the Black Jackets Arab Pakistani Muslim crime gang on Grafton Street. Yeah. We could do with a few more of those. I wonder would they like to have Sharia law introduced into Ireland. I'm sure they'll tell us eventually.
9.00 News. In case anything's happened since six o'clock.
9.30 Father And Son. New drama which dribbles on for four episodes. It's an RTE and UTV coproduction financed by me. Really just another cor blimey glorification of criminality and atheistic ideology masquerading as dramatic realism. Wait till you hear the fake working class accents. British and Irish ones mixed together this time. Cor blimey. Top o the morning to you Sorr. And of course begorrah and begob. Starring the abysmal Stephen Rea. I remember fifteen years ago when I starred with Stephen Rea in a Channel Four pro IRA film called A Further Gesture. Well, Stephen Rea starred in it. I was an extra. It flopped of course. But never mind. It was financed by the European Union. So only the citizens of Europe were getting gypped. I kid you not. Stephen Rea spent his days on the set glaring at me. I appeared in the prison scenes with him so we were in close proximity a lot. While filming I used to remain in character for the full sixteen hour day. I had an ambition to be an actor you see and still believed such things as merit could make a difference. Rea found this absolutely hilarious. Again I kid you not. Truly he was a tit. No not a tit. Tits are good things and occasionally have careers. Stephen Rea was a stage Irishman being paid tax payers' money to do a job no member of the public would ever willingly pay him to do if given a choice. Ah memories. Here's to you Rea. No hard feelings mate. Cor blimey. Oh pale Northie ham, how thou hast conquered. I wonder which of us, history will adjudge to have made the more lasting contribution to the arts. The funny thing is that when we extras were summoned to collect our pay checques, Channel Four had put a notice on the door telling us to come back tomorrow. About 15o of us had been told to be at the studio offices on a particular day at a particular time. Rather than phoning us to tell us they'd changed the plan, they let us all show up, find the notice, and come back another day. This from the brave humanitarian Channel Four who were so intent on heroic depictions of the IRA. Hilarious, no? I politely asked to speak to the producer about why the extras had not been paid at the appointed time and why no effort had been made to spare them an unnecessary journey to Dublin. An horrendous blonde harridan from the production staff at Irish Town films had the security men throw me off the set. Irish Town films were partners with Channel Four on the doomed project. Classy classy people.
10.30 Questions And Answers. A special valedictory episode. With emphasis on the dics. Celebrating thirteen years of the panel discussion programme. Can it really be just thirteen years since John Bowman and Olivia O'Leary began sneering at Catholic values in synchronised harmony at tax payers' expense? My, we have been privileged. Warning, warning. This programme may cause narcolepsy. Fire in the disco. Fire in the disco. Fire in the gates of hell. Fire in the documentaries department. Fire in the Director General's office. Fire in the taco bell. Danger, danger, high voltage. When we touch, when we kiss, when we touch. Danger, danger, high voltage, when we pseudo intellectualise. When we diss. When we diss. When we diss. Diss 1500 years of Irish Christianity and the faith of our fathers, that is... Sorry, I lost it there for a moment.
11.45 News. You gotta love the news department at RTE. You gotta love it or lump it.
11.50 Mad Men. I have no idea what this programme is about.
12.45 Hope And Glory. 1997 Film from Director John Boorman about his cosmically boring childhood in wartime Britain. Incidentally, Boorman is most famous for a line in his whining self pitying autobiography where he presumes to assert that the Irish people have been tragically oppressed by the Catholic church. I found it vaguely disturbing that a British piece of crap like Boorman should dare to allege Catholic oppression had occurred in Ireland. So Boorman, a British person, thinks the Catholic church oppressed Ireland. Ironic, eh? Any other oppressors spring to mind John? Here is the news. The Catholic church is the treasure of Ireland. The Catholic church has shaped, liberated and enlightened our nation and culture for more than 1500 years. The Catholic church has enabled the Irish people to see off 800 years of British oppression and to avoid the slavery of communism which has ravaged three quarters of the planet earth. The Catholic church is what we are. You anodyne atheistic left wing hipster doophus. Yes. Boorman is a cosmic dribbler. Of course RTE love him. They showed Excalibur again yesterday for some god awful unknown reason. Tripe and onions as with all Boorman films. The mayor will have my ass. Blah, blah, blah etc etc.
posted by heelers | 2:56 AM
2 Comments:
I always look forward to your TV listings, although this struck me as odd. It's like the South Park boys have seized your brain like hamsters on a cookie.
Do people really say things like "cor blimey"? What does it mean, anyway?
Now "gob" - that's a good word and it sounds exactly like a mouthful of something. So is "shenanigans", since it's fun to say (and to do, too, until someone tattles).
You know, that whole "Catholic Church oppressed Ireland" sounds like the unconscious colonialist claptrap that I sometimes read in the Telegraph. For example, there was a fellow complaining about the increased inconveniences of traveling to the US. He compared it to Canada and made the comment "At least Canada is still a free country." Of course, it's not. It's part of the Commonwealth, so the Queen's signature is required on, say, the 1982 Charter of Rights and Freedoms. (And don't even get me started on the fact that Canada didn't have a binding bill of human rights until 1982.) But to the British writer, there's nothing strange about any natural-born Canadian automatically being a subject of the Crown.
Then again, I've been told that I "think like an American". (He meant it as an insult.) Jesus is my only King.
MJ!
Cor Blimey has been explained to me in various ways. I associate it with cockney London very much. It sounds to me like it might once have been used instead of taking the Lord's name in vain. I've also heard it described as a blurring of the phrase: "God bless me."
I thought I was being a bit hard on the Brits while taking a ranting sideswipe at Boorman. They did ban slavery before anyone else, civilised half the world, and gave Adolf Hitler the first intimation that he wasn't going to have things all his own way. They are an august nation with an august destiny.
James
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