james healy's bumper guide to the women of the world
Russian women: Don't bother. They may look spectacular but they're all either married to a drug dealer, dating Aron Abramovich, or living in sin with Bill Wyman.
Arab girls: Brown eyes of the gazelle. The most beautiful, mysterious, alluring, sensual and spiritual girls on earth. But you'd better be careful because their brothers might be inclined to kill you for not being Muslim.
The Chinese: Chinese women are inscrutable. Take it from me. I've been trying to scrute one for years and there's nothing doing.
Africans: They're insatiable. Always wanting to go shopping and such like.
The French: Nice accents. Particularly the ones from Nice. Arf arf.
Irish girls: Complex creatures obsessed with sex, savagery, and midriff exposure. For all of that, they're more repressed than their grannies.
Swedes: Was ever a race of people so badly named? The Swedes are so consistently good at looking good that they finish up by making good looks unconscionably boring. After a few days in Sweden you'll be praying: Oh Lord bring me back home again to the sweet delicious hatchets I know so well.
The English: Roses.
Americans: I quite like American girls.
Israelis: Ah fair Daphne where are you now? What barricades are you storming in what far distant capital? Do you still scandalise your airforce Colonel father by voting for the Arab Communist Party? Do you still remark fondly after being pushed back by British police officers at anti globalisation street protests: "They're gentle by our standards." Are you still married to the Scottish Catholic guy? He is a lucky man. God has blessed him with you.
Arab girls: Brown eyes of the gazelle. The most beautiful, mysterious, alluring, sensual and spiritual girls on earth. But you'd better be careful because their brothers might be inclined to kill you for not being Muslim.
The Chinese: Chinese women are inscrutable. Take it from me. I've been trying to scrute one for years and there's nothing doing.
Africans: They're insatiable. Always wanting to go shopping and such like.
The French: Nice accents. Particularly the ones from Nice. Arf arf.
Irish girls: Complex creatures obsessed with sex, savagery, and midriff exposure. For all of that, they're more repressed than their grannies.
Swedes: Was ever a race of people so badly named? The Swedes are so consistently good at looking good that they finish up by making good looks unconscionably boring. After a few days in Sweden you'll be praying: Oh Lord bring me back home again to the sweet delicious hatchets I know so well.
The English: Roses.
Americans: I quite like American girls.
Israelis: Ah fair Daphne where are you now? What barricades are you storming in what far distant capital? Do you still scandalise your airforce Colonel father by voting for the Arab Communist Party? Do you still remark fondly after being pushed back by British police officers at anti globalisation street protests: "They're gentle by our standards." Are you still married to the Scottish Catholic guy? He is a lucky man. God has blessed him with you.
posted by heelers | 1:22 PM
6 Comments:
what about indian girls?
...and what about German girls??
And what about... Men?!
Chamki, I've loved a Hindu babe for four years and am still no nearer understanding her.
Andrea, German girls are magnificent. Teutons. Valkyries. With the odd Niebelungen or Volsung thrown in. Any man dating one needs to be aware of the risk of becoming impaled on her breast armour.
Noemie, mon amour Parisienne perdue, you'll have to write that one yourself. The Heelers Bumper Guide To The Men Of The World reads in its entirety: "Ah who cares."
J
"Americans: I quite like American girls."
We're indescribable in your book. Good call, James. Much safer for you. :)
Bwahahahaha!
-MJ
MJ.
You got my number.
James
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