The Heelers Diaries

the fantasy world of ireland's greatest living poet

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Saturday, October 10, 2009

the nobel peace prize citation ceremony in full

Thorbjorn Lagland (I kid you not) speaker of the Norwegian parliament, stepped onto the rostrum.
He was a grey Norwegian man in a grey Norwegian suit.
"Ladies and gentlemen," he proclaimed grandly, "the Nobel Peace Prize for 2009 goes to President Barack Obama."
There were oohs and ahs from the assembly.
In Norwegian oohs and ahs sound like "ooorpadoorp a dink dink."
When the ooorpadoorp a dink dinks stopped, Thorbjorn Lagland smiled wanly at the crowd.
A band struck up.
The band was playing That Don't Impress Me Much by Shania Twain.
In the absence of Shania, Thorbjorn Lagland himself began to gyrate.
Thorbjorn pulled the microphone from its stand and sang with gusto.
He sang:

"Now Morgan Tsvangirai may have championed dignified courageous non violence
In helping the people of Zimbabwe endure Robert Mugabe's vile malevolence,
He may have urged peace when Mugabe brought war
He may have turned the other cheek a hundred times or more
And given hope to millions of a better way of life
While Robert Mugabe sought to enslave em with the culture of the knife
And Tsvangirai still endured when the bastards killed his wife
Telling people not to kill in the face of killers' strife
But that don't impress me much

Dooh dooh de doo.
Oh sure Tsvangirai makes peace when other men shed blood
But we Norwegians much prefer a little butcher's stew
Black freedom fighters who actually murder people too
Like Nelson Mandela and child killer Winnie pooh.
Now don't get me wrong I think Tsvangirai's alright
But that won't turn America into a Soviet Socialist Republic overnight.
Nern, nern, nern.
That don't impress me mucchhhhhhhh.
Now there's an Afghan lady who defies Al Qaeda Taliban.
But in the Nobel Prize she's just an also ran.
And they threatened her life and still she won't lie down.
For the dignity of women she just stands and holds her ground
She's not really black and she's not really white,
And she told the Muslim psychos to go and have a shite
But that don't impress me much
Dern, dern, dern,
Oh she sure she's got panache
And a certain amount of guts
But her idea of woman's rights is really kinda nuts
Nern, nern, nern,
Because this Afghan lady don't uphold our favourite distortions
For instance she's absolutely useless at promoting condoms and abortions
So she don't impress me much
Dern, dern, de dern.
Oh sure she defied the Mussies
And sure she's got a tush
Now don't get me wrong
I think she's alright
But she'll never make America surrender to the Jihadis overnight,
Nern, nern, nern.
That don't impress me much.
Der, der, de der.
As for the Chinese dissidents also nominated
Much too keen on democracy to ever be seriously rated
We in Norway prefer our heroes racked
In ranks of Marxian ideology and not holding back
Against the socialism of the age which comes wrapped in a sack
Of free money and hand outs and victim culture crap
And it also kinda helps

If you're the proper shade of black.
Nern, nern, nern.
We don't want any pacifistic farters

We much prefer black left wing Jimmy Carters
Nern, nern, nern.
Now don't get me wrong
The Chinese dissidents are alright
But they won't collapse the free world
While sloganeering about what's right.
They don't impress me much.
Oh sure the Chinese dissidents have endured sixty years of communist dictatorship
But who cares a toss
What's sixty years against nine months of Barack's corrupt socialistic incompetent Guantanamo bay closing dross.
Now Barack impresses me great.
Nern, nern ner ner.
Surrendering to the Jihadis and socialising the States.
That's gotta be worth a Nobel Peace Prize or two alright.
Because that's the sort of thing that keeps us Norwegians warm and cosy at night.
Nern, nern, nern.
Hoo boy."

Other Nobel Prize winners announced this evening included Beyonce and Lady Gaga who respectively received the Nobel Prize for Physics and the Nobel Prize for Economics.
When reporters asked Thorbjorn Lagland why the Nobel Prize for Physics and the Nobel Prize for Economics were being given to two pop singers, he replied: "Let's face it we're giving a Nobel Prize to every half witted debauched treasonous f---ing c---s-ck-r these days."
These were the only true words ever spoken by a member of the Nobel Prize committee in living memory.
Al Gore who won a Nobel Prize for Peace back in 2007 when the Nobel committee was hoping he might stand for President of the United States and wished to help his putative campaign any way it could, was unavailable for comment.
The official reason Al Gore received the 2007 Nobel Prize for Peace was in recognition of his valiant efforts to distract public attention from the danger to western democracy represented by the terror armies spewing forth from dysfunctioning Muslim dictatorships, and instead focussing people's attention on much more groovy and thoroughly fictional environmental concerns.
Another previous winner of the Nobel Peace Prize Mr Jimmy Carter esquire who won in 2002 was also unavailable for comment.
The Nobel Prize Committee has never formally admitted to endorsing the Democratic Party's attempts to turn the United States into a socialist country.
They just keep giving Nobel Peace Prizes to the most useless Democrats they can find.
Subtle, ain't it?
The only non Democratic Party member to win the Nobel Peace Prize in recent years has been Mr Mohammed Nuke An Israeli El Baradei of the International Atomic Energy Agency who received his prize in 2005 for helping Arab Islamist regimes, along with the Pakistanis, the Iranians and the Koreans conceal their nuclear weapons programmes.
They all got the bomb on El Baradei's watch.
Seriously though, he's doing a brilliant job.
So here we are.
Al Gore, Jimmy Carter, and Mohammed El Boomadei.
Those are three recent winners of the Nobel Peace Prize.
I mean, like, wow.
What next?
Kim Jong Il?
I wouldn't put it past them.
It has been suggested that from now on the Nobel Peace Prize will have its name changed to the Nobel Prize For Left Wing Delusional Thinking And Appeasement Of Islamic Nazi Terror.
This would be a refreshing piece of honesty on the part of the Nobel Committee but honesty ain't something they're famous for.
Friday's ceremony concluded with a song from the new Chairperson of the Nobel Committee, Miss Dee Lite who sang Groove Is In The Heart.
It's about the price of them.


Blogger Genevieve said...

I was dumbfounded at the news of the award. If it's supposed to impress me, it doesn't. I see it as a heavy-handed attempt to meddle in American politics.

5:48 AM  
Blogger heelers said...

The Nobel Committee are testing my much vaunted good nature.

1:52 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

My names is actually Thorbjorn Jagland.

1:53 AM  
Blogger heelers said...

Ah who cares.

1:54 AM  

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