great moments in bathos number 157

A phone call from my brother Pete who is in Spain.

"Howya Jim," sez he.

"Not too bad," sez me, "I've been having a week of miracles."

"What miracles?" wonders the brother.

"Well," quoth me taking a deep breath. "All this happened in the past seven days. A friend in England who was going to need a kidney transplant told me that his kidneys had suddenly regained 40 percent function. A retired army guy with growths in his arms suddenly had all the growths fall out after a visit to a supposed faith healer. Baby Tomas reached five pounds weight and is able to drink milk. I found 500 quid in the pocket of the tracksuit you gave me. Laure Heysch in Brussels just got engaged. One of my cousins is having a baby. Hammy died but it was such a lovely peaceful way she went and I got so much extra time with her and I saw a cloud in the sky after she was gone shaped like a hamster and I felt God's presence, so you know I'm counting the blessings there too."

"Hang on Jim."

"What?"

"Go back a few."

"You mean about Laure Heysch?" sez me.

"I mean the tracksuit," sez Pete.

"Oh that," sez me.

"Yeah you went by that one pretty quick," quoth he.

"Not at all," sez me. "It's just there's been so many miracles. I wanted you to hear them all."

"Tell me more about the tracksuit one," quoth Pete.

"Okay," sez me. "I was going through the bag of clothes you left me. I was going to give the tracksuit to Cleaning Lady. Cleaning Lady loves tracksuits. I bet she'd have loved that one a staggering amount. Truly her hoover would have runneth over. By chance I checked the pockets in it before I gave it to her and there was 500 Euro in there."

"No way," said Pete.

"Way," insisted I.

"Really?" quoth he.

"Really and truly," proclaimed I. "To be precise there was 350 Irish and 150 dollars. Oh and a checque for 200 Euro. I wasn't going to bother mentioning that."

"You still have the checque anyway," mused the brother. "You wouldn't have been able to cash that."

"You'd be surprised," I told him.

"How do you mean?" asked he.

"Uncle Scutch would probably cash it for me," I explained.

"You've thought of everything," said Pete.

"I sure have," sez me.

"Okay." said Pete. "Here's what we'll do. Don't cash the checque. Don't try to cash it with Uncle Scutch or anywhere else. Keep it for me. But you can have the money."

"I'm way ahead of you Pete," sez me.

"You are?" said he.

"Of course I am," sez me. "But I gotta tell you. Much as I like the idea, I really can't accept this kind of money from you. It wouldn't be fair."

"Are you serious?" said he.

"I'm trying to be serious," I elaborated cautiously. "I'm certainly serious in saying I intend to repay you. Scholars remain divided as to when that repayment might actually happen."