our television listings

RTE1

(Ireland's national fraudcaster. A television station of the liberal atheists by the liberal atheists for the liberal atheists, but financed by compulsory taxation on the Catholic citizenry who are prevented by law from setting up television stations of their own.)

 

1.25 Home And Away. Public service programme aimed at introducing teenagers to pornography.

1.55 Neighbours. Australian anthropological documentary.

2.20 Eastenders. This week, Al Qaeda nukes London while Foreign Secretary William Hague is busy calling for an investigation into Israel's interception of a Hamas terrorist supply convoy. Come back David Milipede all is forgiven.

3.00 Life Without Me. No one will watch this programme so I'm not going to review it.

3.30 Grand Designs. See above.

4.40 Rachel's Favourite Food For Living. Cookery or crookery? This evening Rachel cooks Sunday lunch at a friend's house on my dime.

5.15 The Restaurant. Proof positive that staff at RTE are the most well fed television professionals in the western world.

5.40 Nuacht. Bless you.

6.00 The Angelus. Quasimodo converts to liberal atheism and the bells fall silent.

6.01 News. Read by Insert Name Of Commie here.

7.00 Living The Wildlife. Emmy award winning cameraman Colin Awffley Awffley Stafford Johnson goes in pursuit of Ireland's bat population on my dime. This episode is recommended by the Irish Times television critic. Awffley Awffley must have found a colony of abortionist bats or something.

7.30 Eastenders. Who can get enough of this light hearted life affirming take on modern living?

8.00 Fair City. Judith threatens Bob with legal action. Suzanne is unimpressed with Damien, while Mark jumps to conclusions... The previous sentence is the press release RTE sent to journalists and is intended to make you want to watch this programme. Really they're brilliant. Give em another five hundred million quid of public money.

8.30 My Showhouse. Julieanne and Snodgrass have just purchased their first home together. Pass the sick bag Ernst.

9.00 News. If nothing happens in the world today, the news will be replaced with a documentary programme about the heroic Islamist Pie Eye Steen Yuns and their permanent losing terrorist war with the State of Israel. Why won't those naughty Israelis just lie down and let the Muslims win?

9.35 Prime Time. Current affairs programme where RTE's selected panel of atheists sneer in unison at the Catholic church.

10.15 The Limits Of Liberty. Another recommended viewing choice from the Irish Times critic. Need I say more?

11.15 The View. Arts programme which manages quite magnificently to be the antithesis of art.

12.00 Medium. Unwatchable sub teen gloop.

12.55 News. Followed by a chance for viewers to sign up with RTE's own branch of Al Qaeda.

1.00 Love Is The Devil: Study For A Portrait Of Francis Bacon. Biopic of Irish Times television critic Tony Cleaton Lea. Okay, I made that up. But Tony Cleaton Lea's review of this film is salutory. He wrote: "Attempting to approximate the singular style of the paintings of Francis Bacon, director and cowriter John Maybury flirts dangerously with the pretentious." Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, hee, hee, chortle, haaaaa, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, haaa, haaa, haaa, ah Lordy, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, heeeee, heee, hee, hee, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, oh mercy. The ghost of Francis Bacon should sue the Irish Times.