chairman of soccer's governing body Sepp Blatter announces that the 2018 world cup will be held in russia

Sepp Blatter: "As Chairman of football's governing body FIFA, or Federation Internationale de Football et de Assassinations, it is my pleasure to announce that the 2018 world cup will be held in Russia. It was a no brainer really. The Brits could never hope to stage a world cup. What with their pathetic democratic values and love of freedom. I much prefer Putin's Russia. Now there's a country that kicks ass. I was particularly impressed by Russia's invasion of the small peaceloving nation of Georgia barely two years ago. The Russian army rolled over those Georgians like they weren't even there. And with typical elan, Putin choose the opening day of the Olympic Games to make his move. With missiles, bombs and bullets, he brutally detached two regions from little Georgia while the world was watching ice hockey. Hilarious, no! Our decision to send the world cup to Russia was also heavily influenced by Putin's successful assassination of Alexander Litvinenko in London in 2006. Alexander Litvinenko had dared to criticise the actions of Putin's government in Russia. Putin's heartless psychotic assassins Andrei Lugovoi and Dmitri Kovkun murdered Mr Litvinenko in a barbaric and cowardly fashion by putting Polonium 90 in his tea. Lugovoi and Kovkun then fled back to Moscow. Lugovoi was appointed to the Russian parliament in order to give a two fingered salute to the rest of the world. Putin's administration has since refused to extradite Lugovoi to Britain to face charges for his cowardly murder of Alexander Litvinenko. Instead Putin ordered heavy bombers carrying nuclear weapons to buzz British airspace. Hoo baby. That was showing those evil Brits. We at FIFA like our assassins to be cold blooded cowards and those are just the sort of assassins Vladimir Putin has turned loose on the world. They don't always finish the job but their intended victims are always a good deal less comfortable after the attempt than before it. Witness former Ukrainian President Victor Yuschenko whom Putin also had poisoned. Yuschenko survived. But afterwards Putin still stole his country by gerrymandering an election in Ukraine and installing an ethnic Russian gangster called Yanukovich in the top job. Sheer class. Is there no end to Putin's talents. At FIFA we've decided this genre of barbarity is just the sort of tough love that international soccer needs. Bring it on Mr Putin. Soccer needs you. I mean, come on folks. Think of the innovations Mr Putin will bring to football. Players sidling up to each other with Polonium 90 sprays. There will no longer be any need for personal fouls. If you wanna foul a player from now on, you just assassinate him. Oh yes. The world cup was long overdue a trip to Russia. Who cares that the Russians don't have any football stadiums. Football stadiums are just a detail of history. Like free countries on Russia's borders. Arf arf. Other factors weighing heavily in favour of the Russian bid for the world cup, were the recent provision by Putin's government of top grade atomic reactors to the Islamic Republic of Iran, subsequent to Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's declaration that he was going to wipe Israel off the map. Chutzpah. That's what Putin's got. Buckets of chutzpah. And of course Polonium 90. No shortage of that either, eh Vladdie? Anyhoo. We at FIFA were never going to leave the world cup in the hands of those namby pamby Brits. It's time we had a world cup with real bite. So we've handed it over to the psycho killers. This should be a hoot. The decision to give the world cup to Russia more or less became inevitable when President Putin sanctioned the assassination of the conscience of Poland. That is to say when Mr Putin ordered the downing of a passenger jet carrying Poland's President and nearly a hundred other Polish politicians and army staff. These were the Polish leaders who had defied communism throughout their own lifetimes and had safeguarded Poland's nascent liberation since 1991. These were the ones who knew precisely the depths of evil to which Russian communists could sink. These were the ones whose courage and witness served as a beacon for the younger generation of Polish people whom Putin wished to propagandise back into Sovietism. These were the incarnations of Poland's soul and the guarantors of Poland's freedom. Putin wiped them out at a stroke. And then stole the Polish presidency for another pro Russian figurehead through yet another gerrymandered election. Yeah the 2018 world cup goes to Russia. But how many of you seriously think there's gonna be a 2018?"