dramatic scene to be enacted in kilcullen as part of public preparations for the forthcoming eucharistic congress

(The court of Herod. Courtiers and socialites. Jesus is hustled in by soldiers. Herod interrogates him.)

Herod:
"Yeshua Bin Iussuf.
Yeshua Meshiach.
Iesus Nazarenus Rex Iudaeorum.
Isus Kristos.
Jesus Son of Joseph.
Jesus the Messiah.
Jesus of Nazareth King of the Jews.
Jesus Christ...
I've heard of you.
I heard you were dead.
Not too far from it now, eh Nazarene.
Eh!
Nazarene!
So you're the king of the Jews.
Not while I'm around you're not.
Eh! Nazarene!
Allow me to introduce myself.
I'm Herod.
I will be your waiter.
Actually I am King Herod.
An actual king. Not a fairytale one.
Not like you.
Ah.
It's good to be da king.
And in fact I will be judging you today: whether you live or die, and such like.
So. So. So you're a miracle worker, eh.
Alright then.
Give us a miracle.
Let's see what you've got.
Oh.
If I could just see one.
One miracle.
I'd love it.
Hey Jesus.
I might even follow you myself.
Oh ho.
You wouldn't believe the stir you've been creating.
You're the sensation of 33AD mate.
Oh come on.
Levitate.
Fly over to the window and back.
If you walk across my swimming pool I'll let you go.
Isn't that how it went!
Oh come on.
Show us something.
Anything.
We're your judges.
Don't disdain us.
Here we are now.
Entertain us.
Ah what's the point?
I mean what is the point?
What is the point of being a miracle working Messiah who just stands there doing nothing?
A saviour of the universe who just stands there looking glum.
I mean what is the point.
Jesus.
I heard that at Mount Amon you fed 500 men with a few loaves of bread.
Now that would be a good one.
Worth the price of admission that.
That I'd love to see.
Do it for us here and now.
We'd all like a snack.
Something tasty.
Multiply this sandwich.
Change some water into wine.
I know.
Make your clothes go all shiny.
Oh come on.
You've got to do something.
Anything.
Jesus, I'll be your disciple if you give me a miracle.
Make us some pork chops and we'll all be your disciples.
Won't we boys and girls.
Ah for crying out loud.
Loosen up.
They say you raised a dead man to life at Nain.
That I'd like to see.
That would be a doozie.
And they say you raised another one outside the city just last week.
(Herod feints a punch at +)
Who are you that raises the dead but won't raise a hand to defend himself.
Raising the dead.
Remarkable.
I mean it's incredible.
Raising the dead, healing lepers, making the blind see.
How do you do those wonderful tricks?
Raising the dead.
It is a trick isn't it?
How do you do it Jesus?
I gots to know.
Accomplice in the audience maybe.
Gotta be.
Excuse me sir. Before I raise you from the dead, have we met before?
That's how you did it.
Mmm.
Gotta be.
All those reports of impossible miracles. All 2nd and 3rd hand reports of course.
Parlour tricks.
Eh Nazarene.
They don't impress me much.
My cousin Marcus died last week.
Now if your really want to impress me, bring him back from the dead.
Or we could kill someone for you right here right now.
In laboratory conditions.
Come on.
Say something.
For crying out loud, say something.
You must say something.
Look Jesus.
Here is the news.
Whether or not you are King of the Jews, I am your king.
If you speak, I might just spare your life.
So how about it?
Jesus.
Jesus baby.
How about it?
(Herod's mobile phone rings. He answers it.)
Yo. Yo Pilate baby. No. No. He's just standing here saying nothing trying to get himself killed. Okay. Smell you later.
(Herod hangs up and resumes the interrogation.)
You really are just standing there saying nothing trying to get yourself killed.
Clearly you do not understand your predicament.
Look.
You are making a career decision here.
I... We... are your judges.
You will perform for our amusement.
You will entertain us.
Entertain us Nazarene.
I your king command you.
Would it help if I asked politely?
Please Sir.
Please Sir.
Please Sir.
Can we have a miracle.
(Herod drops to his knees.)
Please Sir.
Please Sir.
Please Sir.
(Herod is the only one visible now. +, the soldiers and the courtiers are no longer seen. Now it's just us and Herod.)
I have seen things you people wouldn't believe.
I don't care about you.
You understand.
I don't love you.
I didn't come here to warn you because I love you.
I hate you.
With all my damned heart I hate you.
It is an edict of heaven that I must journey here to warn you whom I despise.
From hell's black heart I stab at thee.
(For the first time we the audience see that Herod is in chains.)
If you meet your saviour, recognise him.
Don't think you're his king, or his judge, or the judge of his church.
Please Sir.
Please Sir.
Please Sir.
Can I have some more?
(Herod has become a crumpled heap as the stage goes black. A bell is heard ringing in the darkness. Some of the audience will be aware that Herod has conducted his interrogation in the idioms of popular entertainment. That he has drawn his vocabulary from Mad Max, Fawlty Towers, Blade Runner, a Lloyd Webber musical, et al. Some will see themselves in him. Others will see and hear nothing.)