The Heelers Diaries

the fantasy world of ireland's greatest living poet

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Location: Kilcullen (Phone 087 7790766), County Kildare, Ireland

Saturday, November 10, 2012

american elections quotes of the night

Ron Baines (Fox News): "Tonight, on Foxxxxxxxxxxx. We report. You decide. But you better decide right or we'll have to kick you in the bawwwwwwwwwwwwwls."

Wolf Blitzer (CNN): "We'll be having more coverage of President Obama brushing his teeth. And later this evening, our poor little rich boy reporter, whatsisface, the son of Gloria Vanderbilt, we're always snubbing each other live on air, what's his name again, Wankshaft Cooper, Anderson, that's it, Anderson Cooper, later tonight Anderson Cooper will be serenading Barack Obama outside his bedroom window with a lute on behalf of all of us at CNN and on behalf of all the non racists in America who obviously voted for Barack."

Maisie Baines (CNN blonde in chief): "Roger Mourdock has lost his senate seat in Indiana. The voters are punishing him for saying a child of rape is a gift from God."

James Healy: "Well what exactly does CNN want? Do you want the Muslim system where women are put to death for daring to get raped or daring to get pregnant in circumstances that inconvenience their family? Do you want this? Do you really think Roger Mourdock did something wrong, or said something wrong, in speaking about the sanctity and beauty of every human life? Every child of rape is a gift of God. Many many rape victims proclaim that truth as freely and joyfully  and fearlessly as Roger Mourdock does. And so do their children."

President Barack Obama: "This is a time for healing. For reaching out to each other. You my loyal and decent supporters have to reach out to the racists who didn't vote for me. They didn't vote for me because they're racists. Not because I'm spending money I don't have to remodel American along the lines of European Socialism which is itself already collapsing. Only a racist could oppose my policies Clearly I'm black. This is a great victory. I'd like to thank first of all my wife Michelle for not releasing her university thesis which called America the great satan or some such thing. I'd like to thank you the loyal non racist voters of America. And I'd like to thank the Teamsters trade union who delayed returns in key constituencies of Ohio, Virginia and Florida so that they could gauge just how many votes they had to print off on our votamatic machines for late (fictional and deceased) voters. I'd also like to thank the non racist organisers of our gerrymandered postal votes which give us an extra cushion of purely fictional votes in vital constituencies. The postal voting system is the key to the new America, as it negates the historic necessities for voters to go to the polls, ie to be real people. I'd like to thank the immigrants of Colorado, Nevada and New Mexico who have changed America by ensuring that from this day a non Teamster candidate resolving to stop unrestricted immigration cannot be elected. This is morning in America. I'm gonna spend so much money that it'll be like Christmas every day. I'd like to thank Santa Claus for devising my economic policy and the Marquis De Sade for advising me on how best to f--k the country up the A. Thank you both. The rest of you are racists."


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