an analysis of recent celebrity meltdowns

1. Simon Cowell. All controversies surrounding Simon Cowell are manufactured by Simon Cowell and his publicity team. Arguments with sundry girlfriends, cancellations of weddings, falling in and out with Louis Walshe, ogling Cheryl Cole, unleashing bubonic plague on his business rivals, any news story whatsoever involving Simon Cowell has been staged to get free headlines for his television talent shows.

2. Kristen Stewart two timing her boyfriend on the eve of the release of her latest unwatchable vampire film, has been staged to get free headlines for her latest unwatchable vampire film.

3. Hugh Grant's arrest with prozzer in LA. Staged to get free headlines for Hugh Grant.

4. Eddie Murphy's arrest with trans sexual prozzer in LA. Staged to get free headlines for Eddie Murphy.

5.Cheryl Cole's car crash in LA with a pop star styling himself William. Staged to get free headlines for Cheryl Cole. (William didn't need the publicity and probably engaged in this fakery as a favour, and, er... because she's Cheryl Cole.)

6. Gerard Depardieu. French actor Gerard Depardieu's recent clashes with the police in Paris over drink driving incidents on his motor scooter and an altercation with a private citizen in the streets, were staged to get free headlines for Gerard Depardieu. As was his defection to Russia. (Defecation surely? - Ed note)

7. Twink. Irish television personality Twink's altercation with her husband, broadcast on Youtube, was staged in order to get free headlines for Twink.

8. Mel Gibson. Anything involving Mel Gibson probably actually happened.