The Heelers Diaries

the fantasy world of ireland's greatest living poet

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Location: Kilcullen (Phone 087 7790766), County Kildare, Ireland

Sunday, January 10, 2016

what ever happened to baby lochlainn

Curtain up on a  reveal...
Lochlainn Quinn centre stage in a wheelchair made of diamonds.
He is counting stacks of dollar bills held together with elastic bands.
The room is richly furnished in the style of the antebellum South.
Enter Lochlainn's brother former Irish government minister Ruairi Quinn stage left holding a taper and looking bald.

Ruairi Quinn: "Ah do declare, ever since I closed Ireland's embassy to the Vatican, and tried to criminalise the Catholic Church sacrament of confession, and legalised abortion, and permitted Irish pharmacies to give abortion pills to children no questions asked, and seized control of Catholic Church schools, and gave ten billion dollars of public money to purchase your worthless gangster banks AIB, and forced ageing nuns and priests in old folks homes to cough up their pension money for my child abuse shakedown scam, the cleverest scam of all because we used a small minority of sex abuse victims to impoverish and slander the entire Catholic Church while ignoring the vast preponderance of sex abuse victims whose abusers had no connection to the Church and who were therefore no use to us in our shakedown, and who consequently got no money, no justice and no hearing... Ah do declare.

Lochlainn: (yawning.) "What is your point exactly?"

Ruari Quinn: "Ah have no point. I was just outlining my all's accomplishments."

Lochlainn: "Ah do declare officially you only all purchased my worthless AIB bank for a little old three billion dollars. The other figure is James Healy's."

Ruairi: "Well who do you believe?"

Lochlainn: "Actually ah believe Heelers. And any old way there was an additional thirty billion in y'all's little old bailout that you gave my worthless bank before y'all bought it using y'all's public money."

Ruairi Quinn: (with repressed vehemence) "Ah do declare, ever since I gave you ten billion dollars of public money for your worthless Allied Irish Bank having first bailed it out to the tune of thirty billion dollars..."

Lochlainn: (yawning and fanning himself) "Ah do declare, ah think it's a gonna rain."

Ruairi: "And ever since you were appointed to head up the State monopoly electricity company..."

Lochlainn: "Well?"

Ruairi Quinn: (lamely) "Nothing. I just think y'all ought to be grateful, that's all."

Lochlainn: "Well, what have you done for me lately."

Ruairi: (viciously handing him an envelope) "This came in the post for you."

Lochlainn: (ripping it open) "Whoopee. Another five million dollars for some crooked stock market deal. It's good to be an atheistic abortionist Marxist billionaire. It sure beats working."

Ruairi: "Tell that to our cousin retired billionaire supermarket magnate Fergal Quinn."

Lochlainn: (absently begins stuffing cash into a bookie bag.) "Did Fergal retire from being a billionaire?"

Ruairi; (ignoring him and musing darkly to himself) "How many billionaire members of the Quinn family does it take to bankrupt Ireland, debauch the citizenry, close the Vatican embassy, seize control of Catholic Church run schools, and legalise abortion, while turning a blind eye to a high octane mafia alliance that is subverting the police, the judiciary and the trade union movement, and carving up the entire country into personal fiefdoms for the IRA, Al Qaeda, Chinese Triads, Cosa Nostra, the Russian mob, Nigerian devil worship rings et al? Particularly Al. I really hate him."

Lochlainn: "Hold on. Hold on. Wait. I know this one. It's three."

Ruairi: (rounding on him) "Two. Two. The answer is two. Two billionaire Quinns. You and Fergal the supermarket magnate. I'm no billionaire. I've worked in the civil service all my life. All I've got is a few lousy hundred millions. Ah do declare, ah all let y'all keep your personal billions when I was bailing out y'alls idiot bank with public money."

Lochlainn: "Er, thanks."

(Ruairi grimly begins to button up his coat.)

Lochlainn: "Where are you going?"

Ruairi: "I'm going down to the bank machine to withdraw some money to buy a rag to shine my bald patch."

Lochlainn: "Have a nice time."

Ruairi: (staring at the rain outside and murmuring to himself) "Fasten your seat belts Ireland. It's going to be  a bumpy ride."

(The thunder rolls. Ruairi leaves, banging the door behind him. Lochlainn is alone.)

Lochlainn: "I never knew Fergal was a magnet. But it all adds up. He's never around when Iron Man is on the television. And money just seems to stick to him almost as much as it does to me. Ah do declare."


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