The Heelers Diaries

the fantasy world of ireland's greatest living poet

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Location: Kilcullen (Phone 087 7790766), County Kildare, Ireland

Tuesday, July 05, 2016

star bores 11

Scene: The throne room of a star cruiser. Luke is a prisoner of the evil galactic emperor. The emperor is sitting on his throne. The view from the throne room opens wide through a vista window onto an ongoing space battle. Luke and the emperor are perfectly positioned to watch the emperor's fleet wiping out the rebel alliance whose ships are no match for the massed fire power of the empire. The emperor is hoping that the sight of such carnage will provoke a malevolent rage in Luke and that consequently Luke will embrace evil.

Emperor: "Look. Your friends are being destroyed before your very eyes."

Luke: "I've seen many space battles. People die. I'm cool with it."

Emperor: "Did you catch the new Seth Green movie? Oops. I forgot. You're a person. Nobody sees Seth Green movies."

Luke: (Whose character in the Family Guy cartoon parody of Star Wars which I am plagiarising here, is voiced by the actor Seth Green) "Well the Austin Powers series was quite popular."

Emperor: "But not because of Seth Green. Euchhh. I mean nobody said: Let's go see the Austin Powers movies, Seth Green is in them."

Luke: "You happen to be talking about an actor I admire. But you're not getting to me man."

Emperor: (Opening a copy of the Irish Independent newspaper.) "Oh. Look, the Kinahan IRA skang gang have upped the ante in their turf war with the Hutch IRA skang gang. Now they're not just threatening other IRA mobsters. They're threatening the Irish people. It says here that the Kinahans have announced that anyone testifying against gangster Daniel Kinhan's IRA mafia will get a bullet in the head. Wow. That's interesting news, isn't it!"

Luke: "Wha-a-a-a-a-t?"

Emperor: "The IRA Kinahans are threatening to rub out the entire Irish nation if anyone testifies against the IRA Kinahans in court."

Luke: "But, but..."

Emperor: "Annoying, isn't it?"

Luke: "The British empire never even did that."

Emperor: "Mmm, yeah. Makes you kinda wanna come over to the Dark Side, doesn't it?"

Luke: "The miserable ----ing ----s. The useless dirty drug dealing child abusing people trafficking ----ing scum. They've leeched off Irish history for fifty years. They've hooked a generation on their drug poisons. And now they ----ing think they can reduce the entire nation to penile ----ing servitude to them. The scum. May they ----ing die roaring the ---- faced shower of ----ing ----s."

Emperor: "Easy Luke. Calm down. You're scaring me. Think of flowers. Calm blue ocean, calm blue ocean. Luke. Luke? Luke! Hey. Where are going."

Luke: "Bloody ----ing IRA skanger --------s."

(Sound of a door slamming.)

Emperor: "Oh."

(Emperor sips a cup of tea thoughtfully.)

Emperor: "He never even said goodbye."


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