The Heelers Diaries

the fantasy world of ireland's greatest living poet

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Location: Kilcullen (Phone 087 7790766), County Kildare, Ireland

Thursday, September 07, 2017

star trek eleven the search for schlock

First Officer Spock: "Captain we're reading some anomalies in the Vortzel system."

Captain Kirk: "Seriously?"

Spock: "There seems to be a significant energy surge from behind the asteroid cluster."

Kirk: "On the screen."

Spock: "Umf, umf, umf."

Kirk: "No not you Mr Spock. Get down from there. I mean patch through onto the screen an image of the energy surge you're detecting behind the asteroids."

Spock: "Oh right."

FX: Sounds of explosions from off. Ship shakes. Mr Sulu falls out of his chair.

Kirk: "Mr Sulu, what was that?"

Sulu: "Sorry Captain. I farted."

Kirk: "Fainted?"

Sulu: "No Captain."

Kirk: "Oh. Oh. Oh for the love of Pete."

Sulu: "I ate too much Hawaiian pizza last night."

Kirk: "Well next time try to give us a warning."

FX: More explosions. Sparks. Dramatic Nerdly Nerdly Ner Ner music. Ship shakes worse than ever.

Kirk: "Sulu! You again?"

Sulu: "Not me this time Captain. We're being fired upon by Klingons."

Kirk: "The dastards."

Lieutenant Uhuru: "The Klingons are hailing us Sir."

Kirk: "That sounds nice of them. I haven't been hailed in years. They must like the way we explode when fired upon. On the screen. Oh for crying out loud. Not you Uhuru. The Klingons. Put the Klingons on the screen. Patch through an image of the Klingon Commander who wants to talk to us onto the screen. Thank you. And for heaven's sake wear a longer dress. Every time you move I see stars."

Uhuru: "The Klingon leader wants to parlay, Captain."

Gorak The Destroyer: "Par-TAY, Par-TAY. Is everyone in this universe deaf?"

Kirk: "This is Captain James T Kirk of the Federation Star Ship Enterprise. Why did you fire on us?"

Gorak: "I thought you were my mother."

Kirk: "This is Federation Space."

Gorak: "I don't see your name on it. Prepare to meet your doom Kirk. Helmsman, open fire on the Federation ptaaks."

Klingon Helmsman: "On the what?"

Gorak: "Them! Them! Open fire on them!"

Kirk: "Fire all phasers Mr Sulu! Mr Sulu? Mr Sulu, what's wrong with you? Are you asleep?"

Doctor McCoy: "It's worse than that. He's overacting Jim. I mean dead."

Kirk: "He can't be dead. He owes me ten dollars. And anyway, only people in the lower ranks. Ensigns and such like, die on this show. We never lose a named regular character."

Sulu: (Reviving) "I'm not dead. I just farted again."

Kirk: "See?"

Spock: "The Klingon ship is coming about for another attack run Captain. I strongly recommend we beat a hasty retreat."

Kirk: "You seem very calm about all this Spock."

Spock: "Actually I'm terrified."

FX: Kthow, kthow, neato firing sounds, explosions, sparks et al

Sulu: "I'm sorry Captain."

Kirk: "Sorry you still haven't obeyed my order to return fire at the Klingons who have shot at us about fifty times since then?"

Sulu: "No. Sorry I just let one rip again."

Kirk: "Kirk to engineering."

Mr Scott: "Scotty here Captain."

Kirk: "Scotty, lock transporter beams on our location and beam the contents of Mr Sulu's farts over to the bridge of the Klingon vessel."

Scotty: "Aye aye, Captain. Tis a bonny plan."

FX: Sounds of Klingons gasping. Muted strains of "What is this stink?" "It's disgusting." "Oh the Klinganity."

Sulu: "Sir, five more Klingon birds of prey decloaking off our starboard bow."

Kirk: "Exsqueeze me?"

Sulu: "More Klingon ships sir... Appearing beside us."

Kirk: "Why didn't you just say so?"

Sulu: "Well I thought it would be more dramatic if I... Uh oh... Sir, the Klingon warbirds are firing on us."

Kirk: "You mean?"

Sulu: "Yes. The ships."

Fx: Kthow, kthow, blathow, kerrrrrumph. Zoodle, zoodle, blatttttthooom.

Kirk: "Have we been hit?"

Spock: "No Captain. That was Mr Sulu again."

Kirk: "Sulu for crying out loud. No more Hawaiian pizzas for you."

Uhuru: "Shields at seventy percent and holding, Captain."

Kirk: "Whew. All that noise and explosions and farts. I thought somebody might actually be getting hurt."

Spock: "The Klingons are charging up their disruptors again and locking on."

Kirk: "What are you talking about?"

Spock: "Their guns. They are loading their guns again and pointing them at us."

Kirk: "Scotty Get us the hell out of here. Give me Warp Factor Five, now Mister."

Scotty: "She'll nae take it Cap'n. She'll nae take nae more cliches."

McCoy: "It's worse than that, it's repetitious Jim."

Kirk: "Shut up Bones."

Gorak the Klingon: "I'm going home. I much prefer the Next Generation anyway. Some of the science actually works on that. Seasons three and four were really rather well put together with only occasional lapses into violence, bad taste, and anti life amorality. The Sherlock Holmes episodes were genuinely thought provoking and very nearly works of art."

Mr Chekov: "Do I get no mention at all in this episode, Cap Teen?"

Kirk: "Oh go write a wearisome theatre play."

Chekov: Yes Cap Teen.

Uhuru: "The Klingon ships are breaking off the pursuit."

Kirk: "They must have heard us mention Chekov's plays. Thank you Lieutenant Thighs. I mean Uhuru. For heaven's sake, is this really Star Fleet regulation dress code for women? I don't know how we get any work done around here. It's impossible to concentrate on important things like space battles the way you people dress."


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