closing scene from where eagles dare

(Richard Burton and Clint Eastwood have just rescued General Carneby from the Schloss Adler, in the process more or less single handedly wiping out the German army's 12th SS Alpen Corps. Afterwards the reconstituted Alpen Corps will change their name to Cornflakes Corps and thereby become much more difficult to outwit in daring two man commando operations. The name Cornflakes Corps will also prove effective in lulling the Britishers into a false sense of breakfast. But we only learn this in the sequel. Having rescued General Carneby, Richard and Clint make a rendezvous with an allied plane and are flying home over Occupied France. The French are occupied as usual with winning the World Cup, obsessing about their fashion sense, electing coffee shop boulevardiers as President, and giving citizenship to Jihadis. France is not actually under occupation. Unless you count the Jihadis. Which some of you still don't. Yet. Also in the plane are Mary Ure and another good looking actress from the 1960's. Birgitta something. No. Not Birgitta. Mary Ure and, and, and what? Mary Something Else? Ah this will really drive me mad.  Our heroes are sitting grimly in the cargo hold of the rescue plane. Colonel Fortescue has flown with the plane from London to meet them. Clearly the Third Reich should reconsider its open skies policy.)

Richard Burton: "There's one other thing Colonel."

Colonel Fortescue: "Oh yes?"

Richard: "When I showed SS Colonel Kramer the name in my notebook which I pretended was the top German agent in London, he accepted it without hesitation."

Colonel Fortescue: "And whose name was that Major?"

Richard: "Yours Colonel."

Colonel Fortescue: "Oh Focque."

Richard: "This whole operation was in fact staged just to unmask you."

Colonel Fortescue: "Double Focque."

FX: "Kerschick," as Colonel Fortescue does something to his machine gun to make a dramatic kerschick sound preparatory to firing it.

Richard: "And your machine gun is loaded with blanks."

Colonel Fortescue: "Treble Focque. That's really the last straw. I knew I should have stayed home from work today."

Richard: "Yes Colonel."

Colonel Fortescue: "Look, I can explain."

Richard: "Give it up Colonel."

Colonel Fortescue: "No really. Listen. Funny story really. I've got a pen friend in the Gestapo. We've been in touch since childhood. All thoroughly above board."

Richard: "You're finished Colonel."

Colonel Fortescue: "Have I got a choice?"

Richard: "If you want it."

Colonel Fortescue: "Thank you Major. The thought of a trial. The exposure. The shame."

Richard: "Yes Colonel."

Colonel Fortescue: "You like saying Yes Colonel with that strange almost Shakespearian significance, don't you?"

Richard: "Yes Colonel. It's called acting."

Colonel Fortescue: "So anyway, since you're giving me a choice. I'll have a nice cup of tea please."

Richard: "Sorry Colonel. We mustn't cheat the hangman. He may want to have a cup of tea with you too."

Colonel Fortescue: "Quadruple focque! So what's my choice?"

Richard: "You can jump out of the plane now."

Colonel Fortescue: "Quintuple focque. Ho hum. Well I'll be on my way." (Moves to the cargo bay door, lifts a parachute from the bench.)

Richard: "Ah ah. Leave that."

Colonel Fortescue: "Oh. Oh. Oh. So when you said I had a choice you meant I can jump out of the plane without a parachute.

Richard: "Yes Colonel."

Colonel Fortescue: "Sextuple focque. Thanks a focquing bunch."

Richard: "You're welcome Colonel."

Colonel Fortescue: "Can I please take a parachute?"

Richard: "No Colonel."

(Colonel Fortescue jumps from the plane.)

Colonel Fortescue's voice: (From outside the plane.) "Septuple focque... Aiieeeeiaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarghh."

(FX sound: Splat.)

Clint closes the door of the aeroplane. One of the good looking actresses goes to cuddle Richard. I think it's Mary Ure. No it was the other one. Richard would never have cuddled Mary Ure because of the louche vampire films.)

Clint: (Drily.) "The sooner I make Dirty Harry the better."

Ingrid Pitt: "Actually it was me in the louche vampire films. Mary Ure was quite a serious actress. And it was Mary Ure that Richard cuddled."

FX: (Coolo music kicks in.) "Tukka tukka tuk. Tukka, tukka, tuk. Ner ner ner, ner ner ner nerdle ner. Ner ner ner nerdle ner. Ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner, Tukka tuk, etc etc."