mother ireland you're rearing them yet

"One of the buildings at work is haunted," said Teresa.
"Yes. It's haunted by a shower of neurotics on the staff," I replied with supernatural insight.
"It's a very old building," quoth she.
"It's the perfect match. A very old building. And an ageing bunch of  half wits," answereth I.
"James a door opened by itself."
"No. It was ajar and a draft blew it open."
"I mean it slammed shut by itself."
"Well which is it? Did it open or shut by itself."
"It opened and shut."
"And the person who saw this happening isn't making it up? You sure? I think maybe you and the staff are wandering in and out on your anti depressants and most of the time you don't know whether the doors are open or closed or not."
"James a really level headed girl told me the door opened and shut on its own."
"When you say level headed how serious can I take it? I mean, what's level headed to a person like you? You're as mad as a brush. In the words of that great investigator of the paranormal Shaniah Twain: When you say level headed, that don't impress me a lot. Ner ner ner ner ner. Sure you've got a cookery school but you talk a lot of rot. Now don't get me wrong. I think you're alright. But when you say a house is haunted, my first thought is well that's a load of old shite. Ner ner ner. That don't impress me much. Ner ner ner."
"Thanks a bunch."
"Enjoys a laugh does she, this level headed girl? Likes to vary the monotony of a working day spent with complete neuros by making up stories about doors that open and close on their own? Bit of a level headed mischief maker maybe?"
"There have been too many stories James. People say they feel a presence."
"The presence of young Snurdlebaum from accounts having a larf, I'll wager."
"Okay, James. Given we all think the place is haunted, what would you do?"
"Get a priest to say Mass there. That's all you need to do."
"But what if it's not an evil spirit?"
"You don't worry about what it is. Get a priest to say Mass. If it needs prayer, your prayers will help it. If it's not meant to be there, the celebration of the Mass will reclaim the hall. That's all."
"I thought you didn't believe me."
"I don't have to believe you. It's just a case of looking after business. If you think there might be something there, get a Padre to perform the ancient celebration of the liberating truth of the universe. All time and all of heaven and earth are mystically present in adoration where Mass is said. Nothing that's not meant to be there will find it easy to be there after that. Get it done."