scene from the motion picture vampires of dublin
The Post Credit Sequence.
You think the movie is over.
Then we hit you with this.
Dracula has parked a car on the verge of a lonely country road.
A very pretty girl is sitting in the passenger seat. She has that extraordinary quality of the ingenue. Like Julie Louis Dreyfus or Dianne Keaton only better looking. We need a really good looking girl for this scene. Like the Triage nurse from Tallaght hospital who wears the name tag Fiona, or that honey from the planet Raunchketron the mafia sent to seduce me in 2016 at Starbucks on Westmoreland Street.
Dracula is himself, not disguised or anything.
Drac: "Honestly, we're out of gas."
Girl: "You just want to have sex."
Drac: (Face a study)" No. Really. I'm telling you. We're out of gas, petrol, diesel, unleaded, whatever they call it in Ireland."
Girl: "Humph."
Drac: "Listen. I don't particularly want to be stranded here. We're near Athy. I may be a being of limitless evil but I'm not suicidal. It's the murder capital of South Kildare, headquarters of the IRA's caliphate in Ireland. And it's got no good restaurants."
Girl: "Caliphate or no caliphate, there will be no ridies for you... So what do we do now?"
(Cut to Dracula and girl walking along the road.)
Girl: "I'm sorry I didn't believe you about not wanting sex. I'm sorry for thinking you staged the car breakdown just to proposition me like in the Michael Jackson Thriller video. I'm sorry for thinking you just wanted to have your wicked way with me. I'm sorry for thinking you just wanted to get into my pants."
(Dracula's face is a study ricocheting between pathos, wimsy and rueful irony.)
Drac: "Okay, okay. We get the message. Sheesh... But you know I like you, don't you?"
Girl: "Yes."
Drac: "And I hope you like me the way I like you."
(Girl's face is a study ricocheting between pathos, whimsy, rueful irony, etc etc.)
Girl: "Er. Ye-es."
Music: Very catchy baseline continues as Tim Vine does zombie dance from Michael Jackson's Thriller with zombie British comedians.
Vincent Price:
"Darkness falls across the land
A BBC comedian is close at hand
And whomsoever refuses to pay
A State imposed licence fee to the BBC
Must stand and face the trade unionists from hell
Or rot inside a Freemason's shell
The foulest stench is in the air
The conformist left wing euthanasiast assisted suicide abortionism of the past fifty years
And grisly feminists from every tomb
Are closing in to seal your doom
And though you fight to change the channel
You mind knows something's not quite right
For no mere mortal can resist
A heap of atheistic, abortionist, feminist, freemasonic BBC shite."
Music: More of the great baseline. Zombies inching forward as in the famous John Landis video. Dracula fleeing in abject terror.
We fade out.
You think the movie is over.
Then we hit you with this.
Dracula has parked a car on the verge of a lonely country road.
A very pretty girl is sitting in the passenger seat. She has that extraordinary quality of the ingenue. Like Julie Louis Dreyfus or Dianne Keaton only better looking. We need a really good looking girl for this scene. Like the Triage nurse from Tallaght hospital who wears the name tag Fiona, or that honey from the planet Raunchketron the mafia sent to seduce me in 2016 at Starbucks on Westmoreland Street.
Dracula is himself, not disguised or anything.
Drac: "Honestly, we're out of gas."
Girl: "You just want to have sex."
Drac: (Face a study)" No. Really. I'm telling you. We're out of gas, petrol, diesel, unleaded, whatever they call it in Ireland."
Girl: "Humph."
Drac: "Listen. I don't particularly want to be stranded here. We're near Athy. I may be a being of limitless evil but I'm not suicidal. It's the murder capital of South Kildare, headquarters of the IRA's caliphate in Ireland. And it's got no good restaurants."
Girl: "Caliphate or no caliphate, there will be no ridies for you... So what do we do now?"
(Cut to Dracula and girl walking along the road.)
Girl: "I'm sorry I didn't believe you about not wanting sex. I'm sorry for thinking you staged the car breakdown just to proposition me like in the Michael Jackson Thriller video. I'm sorry for thinking you just wanted to have your wicked way with me. I'm sorry for thinking you just wanted to get into my pants."
(Dracula's face is a study ricocheting between pathos, wimsy and rueful irony.)
Drac: "Okay, okay. We get the message. Sheesh... But you know I like you, don't you?"
Girl: "Yes."
Drac: "And I hope you like me the way I like you."
(Girl's face is a study ricocheting between pathos, whimsy, rueful irony, etc etc.)
Girl: "Er. Ye-es."
Camera shot of clouds parting in front of a full moon.
Dracula: (groaning semi stiflingly) Urgghhhhh.
(Still moaning Dracula staggers sideways and may be about to morph into a monster or something although he's already plainly Dracula.)
Drac: "My vampire nature is asserting itself... run away.
(Girl unleashes a moan, staggers sideways and might be morphing too.)
Girl: "You run away... I'm having my period."
(Camera moves around a bit between the two.)
Music: Eerie, dramatic, scary, sort of.
(Camera swings to Dracula for a reaction shot. He looks stunned. Camera moves on to frame girl.)
Music: A jarring horror movie sensation style note.
(Girl has morphed into British comedian Tim Vine.)
Drac: "Oh no. Not you again."
Music: The classic baseline thing. "Thunk thunk."
(Tim Vine and zombie comedians dance a bit before he sings. The dancing has to actually be good.)
Tim Vine:
"Coth thith ith the BB thee
BBC comedy night
No one's gonna save you
From the left wing atheistic abortionist contraceptivist conformist shite
BBC
BBC comedy night
You're fighting for your life inside a left wing
Atheistic
Abortionist
Freemasonic
Feminist
Conformist
Heap of Shite
Thith ith a thiller
Thiller night
(Still moaning Dracula staggers sideways and may be about to morph into a monster or something although he's already plainly Dracula.)
Drac: "My vampire nature is asserting itself... run away.
(Girl unleashes a moan, staggers sideways and might be morphing too.)
Girl: "You run away... I'm having my period."
(Camera moves around a bit between the two.)
Music: Eerie, dramatic, scary, sort of.
(Camera swings to Dracula for a reaction shot. He looks stunned. Camera moves on to frame girl.)
Music: A jarring horror movie sensation style note.
(Girl has morphed into British comedian Tim Vine.)
Drac: "Oh no. Not you again."
Music: The classic baseline thing. "Thunk thunk."
(Tim Vine and zombie comedians dance a bit before he sings. The dancing has to actually be good.)
Tim Vine:
"Coth thith ith the BB thee
BBC comedy night
No one's gonna save you
From the left wing atheistic abortionist contraceptivist conformist shite
BBC
BBC comedy night
You're fighting for your life inside a left wing
Atheistic
Abortionist
Freemasonic
Feminist
Conformist
Heap of Shite
Thith ith a thiller
Thiller night
No one's gonna save from the Beeb with the forty eyes girl
Thiller
Thiller night
You're fighting for your life inside a Thiller Thiller tonight.""
Music: Very catchy baseline continues as Tim Vine does zombie dance from Michael Jackson's Thriller with zombie British comedians.
Vincent Price:
"Darkness falls across the land
A BBC comedian is close at hand
And whomsoever refuses to pay
A State imposed licence fee to the BBC
Must stand and face the trade unionists from hell
Or rot inside a Freemason's shell
The foulest stench is in the air
The conformist left wing euthanasiast assisted suicide abortionism of the past fifty years
And grisly feminists from every tomb
Are closing in to seal your doom
And though you fight to change the channel
You mind knows something's not quite right
For no mere mortal can resist
A heap of atheistic, abortionist, feminist, freemasonic BBC shite."
Music: More of the great baseline. Zombies inching forward as in the famous John Landis video. Dracula fleeing in abject terror.
We fade out.
posted by heelers | 10:48 PM
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