upper echelons

 

Vladimir Putin, President of all the Russias, sits at the grand mahogany desk alone in his office.

It's the same red draped sinister atmospheric office we used for the sledge hammer subtle satirical segments featuring President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad of Iran (of fond memory) a few years ago.

The desk is the same one two, I mean too.

There comes a light tapping on the door.

"Enter," proclaims President Putin in excellent Russian.

A group of nervous bespectacled grey and black suited functionaries troop in from central casting.

They are waving clipboards which my spies tell me are basically  note covered paper pages clipped to a thin piece of board or even cardboard.

"Excellency, Excellency," splutters the lead functionary.

"Yes," says Putin agreeing.

His reputation as a megalomaniac is exaggerrrrrated. (I've no clue how to spell exaggggerrated but I know you've got to sass it.)

Still megalomaniacal or no, his close staff are understandably a little nervous of him.

"Excellency," continues the lead functionary, "Bad news."

Vladimir Putin raises an eyebrow.

Aside from the raised eyebrow he does not show emotion.

(He's likenable to the famous British James Bond actor Roger Moore in this respect. I would hazard the raised eyebrow for every emotion is about the only thing he and Rodge would have had in common.)

"Yes?" he says again a tad ominously.

"Excellency," fumbles the aide, "the European Union... the Union... the Europeans..."

"Yes man," raps Vladimir Putin, "out with it."

"They've imposed new sanctions on us," manages the aide.

For a moment Vladimir Putin's face is a stunned mask.

There is tension in the air you could cut with a balalaika.

Then the President relaxes into a broad grin.

"What!" he exclaims. What? Sanctions! You're having a larf. You had me worried there for a minute. I thought they were going to go nuclear or something when you all trooped in here doing your worried frown routines. Sanctions indeed. I laugh in the face of their sanctions. I mean they give me a billion dollars a day for oil and gas because the prevalence of Green Party polity which we have sponsored in their cultures, the veritable colonisation and subjugation of all their other parties to an hysteric environmentalist agenda, has stopped them producing their own energy supplies. So they have to buy it off me. It's a stone groove Man. The Europeans are as dependent on me to keep warm as little babies. All thanks to the Greens. So what are they going to do now? They're giving me billions a day and they think some slap on the wrist amounts to sanctioning me. Ha, ha, ha. Oh I'm so scared. Oh please European Union don't sanction me again. It hurts my feelings to be sanctioned while you're financing my war in Ukraine with a couple of billion dollars a day. I'm afraid I might die laughing. Ha, ha, ha. Now wait. What exactly are they going to do for a fresh sanction? Will they stop smiling at me when they're paying me the couple of billion quid a day for their oil and gas? Maybe they'll no longer send me Christmas cards. Or what if they don't offer me a sweet when the Cadburys' Milk Tray are being  passed around at the next environmentalist conference? Possibly they may just ignore me at parties? Ha, ha, ha. And if you think their dependance on my oil and gas is a hoot, wait til you see how they manage when the Greens ban motor cars and force them all to use those dinky toys that don't work which Elon Musk and his ilk are churning out with government subsidies and er sanctions on their own populaces to force them to buy the bloody things. The poor Europeans are going to be so cold and all stuck at home with cars that don't work. Ha, ha, ha. But I'll keep them nice and warm in the new Soviet Union. Yes. The Soviet Union is back baby. Yeah baby. Yeah. Do I make you horny? Nyah ha ha Gee Force. Alright, alright, stop cowering you lot. Leave me. Leave me. I would be alone."

When the functionaries are gone, Vladmir Putin stands up.

His backing band, including the two good looking girls from the Ikea ad, emerge from behind the drapes and launch into their latest hit which is a cover of a Jonah Louis standard.

Vlad sings:

"I'm no good at invading countries.

I always get rebuffed.

So I bomb them to smithereens.

I just can't get enough.

I like to look real tough.

Ner ner ner nerdle ner.

That's why you'll always find me in the kitchen at parties.

Yes you'll always find me in the kitchen at parties.

Yes you'll still find me in the kitchen at parties.

Ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner  ner ner ner ner ner ner ner.

That's also why you'll always find me subverting Western Europe and America with Green Parties.

Yes you'll always find me subverting Western Europe and America with Green Parties.

Ner ner ner nern ner ner nern

Ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner

Ner ner ner ner ner ner ner

Nerdle nerdle nerdle ner..."