the story of my argument with chinese president xi jinping

 

Flicking through the channels on the sexevision.

And lo!

What light through yonder vid screen breaks.

It is the east.

And President Xi Jinping of China is the sun.

Xi is on a visit to France.

He declaims thusly to an appreciative coterie of high diploamts:

"The world is far from being a tranquil place and as a permanent member of the United Nations Security Council, China is calling for a worldwide truce during the Olympic Games."

The noble Heelers is mock stunned.

"But this is marvellous news," I manage finally to a long suffering sheepdog, Jack Russell, budgie and parrot. "What a marvellous moment of humble self awareness by a truly great man. Can it really mean President Xi himself is going to stop murdering and imprisoning Muslim Uyghurs? For a whole Summer? Great heavens I can hardly believe it. They'll be dancing in the streets of Xinkiang Uyghur tonight. Yeah baby, yeah. No more Chinese Communist Party murders before the eyes of the world of the Uyghur nation of Xinkiang. And what great news for Tibet! During the Olympic Games the Chinese will also now apparently pause their seventy year long occupation and copious imprisonments and torture murders of Buddhists there, Ditto for the Chinese Communist Party persecution of Catholics and democracy activists in Hong Kong we must presume. And indeed this must also mean that the Chinese Communist Party will for the first time ever allow free and fair elections in China itself and at least for one Summer, give up their ongoing threat to invade and subjugate Taiwan or indeed any other country whatsoever. Why I can hardly contain my joy. Good old Xi. He's a decent egg after all. Not just a murderous despot. I suppose he'll be releasing the senior members of his own Politbureau whom he, er, disappeared recently, I mean General Secretary of the Chinese Communist Party Hu Jintao along with Foreign Minister Qin Gang and Minister of Defence General Li Shangfu and others. Let's face it. You're nobody in China until Xi disappears you. But all that has changed because of the Olympics. Isn't it wonderful? Not a cloud in the sky. No more disappearances eh Xi. And I must remember to ask him to stop murdering unborn babies while he's desisitng from all his other kidnappings, tortures,  violations, repressions and murders. Oh I'm quite beside myself with happiness. Things are finally looking up."

The dogs, parrot and bidgie look sceptical but wisely refrain from comment.