our television listings
RTE1
4.25 Murder She Wrote. Jessica is arrested after a vigilant Chief of Police notices that there has been a murder in her vicinity each week for the past ten years.
5.20 The Bill. Roger Hargreaves gets sent down for GBH after Miffley steals a car from DI Sportsbra. Meanwhile Ramani De Costa returns to Sun Hill and wonders where everyone has gone. The viewers I mean.
5.45 Ahcunt. I mean Nuacht.
6.00 The Angelus. Rung by Quasimodo.
6.01 News. From a left wing atheistic anti Catholic perspective.
7.00 Fresh From The Sea. Some Dublin Four bint visits a fish farm where she gets mistaken for a trout. The Irish Times television reviewer Bernice Harrison notes that tonight's programme is "pleasant enough but the real mystery is why fish is so expensive in a country surrounded by water." Ha, ha, ha. Ho, ho, ho. Oh Bernice. Oh. One of my sides just went there. That's so funny. Side splittingly funny. Oh my God. Ha, ha, ha. This much fun can't be legal. Chortle.
7.30 Eastenders. The residents of the East End turn out in force for the annual Cor Blimey festival. Anissa falls in love with James but will her family accept his wild Irish poet ways?
8.00 Fair City. The residents of Inner City Dublin turn out in force for the annual You Know Yourself Loike Mate Missus Keaveney festival.
8.30 How Long Will You Live? Self help gurus advise gullible slobs how to improve life expectancy. The one thing you can be sure of on this programme is that no one will advise you to go to church.
9.00 News. Everything that's happened since the last news programme an hour ago.
9.30 Flesh And Blood. Somebody called Carlo Gebbler rabbits on about his father. With contributions from Carlo Gebbler's mother Edna O'Brien, along with PJ Donleavy, and Alan A Hopkin. Wearisome promotion of liberal non entities by their friends at RTE.
10.15 Mistresses. The endless battle to debauch the nation continues. If you want religious programming you can jolly well video The Angelus, and watch it over and over. You vile evil repressed Catholics you. Don't you understand? You serve RTE. RTE does not serve you. You finance RTE. RTE does not finance you. Or answer to you in any way. Remember that. Remember it when you look up at the night sky. Sorry. Lost it there for a moment.
11.15 Medium. Yawn fest featuring one of the Arquette birds.
12.10 News. Read by Mary Tyler Marx.
12.15 Fatal Error. (Film, 1999.) Starring Janine Turner and Antonio Sabato. Directed by Armand Mastroianni. Armand Mastroianni's mother didn't even bother watching this film
1.50am Telly Bingo. RTE's trump card to send anyone to bed who actually stayed awake through Fatal Error.
2.00 Shortland Street. No mortal man has ever survived Telly Bingo long enough to find out whatever the hell this programme is.
2.25 Doctor Phil. Doctor Barn surely?
3.05 Doctors. A programme called Doctors following immediately on a programme called Doctor Phil. Apparently RTE has a fetish about the medical profession. Has anyone in RTE ever met a doctor? I've been encountering doctors off and on for forty years. I've never once met a quirky, witty, dynamic, caring, cute, interesting one like those which proliferate in ER, Scrubs, Mash, Marcus Welby, Trapper John, Doctor Phil or Doctors. Real medical practitioners are not that interesting at all actually. For the most part doctors are snobbish, overbearing, egotistical, overpaid, and over exposed. For God's sake bring back Mannix.
3.35 Blue Heelers. Small screen pornography built around a sensationalised version of my life. Truly, they had to use their imaginations. Arf, arf. Actually nothing to do with me at all. This programme is a mystery. Shown so far into the small hours of the morning that we can only guess what it's about. In effect Blue Heelers is the undiscovered country. A mystic bourne from whose realm no traveller returns. Either that or it's another bloody boring Australian soap opera about police dogs.
4.25 Murder She Wrote. Jessica is arrested after a vigilant Chief of Police notices that there has been a murder in her vicinity each week for the past ten years.
5.20 The Bill. Roger Hargreaves gets sent down for GBH after Miffley steals a car from DI Sportsbra. Meanwhile Ramani De Costa returns to Sun Hill and wonders where everyone has gone. The viewers I mean.
5.45 Ahcunt. I mean Nuacht.
6.00 The Angelus. Rung by Quasimodo.
6.01 News. From a left wing atheistic anti Catholic perspective.
7.00 Fresh From The Sea. Some Dublin Four bint visits a fish farm where she gets mistaken for a trout. The Irish Times television reviewer Bernice Harrison notes that tonight's programme is "pleasant enough but the real mystery is why fish is so expensive in a country surrounded by water." Ha, ha, ha. Ho, ho, ho. Oh Bernice. Oh. One of my sides just went there. That's so funny. Side splittingly funny. Oh my God. Ha, ha, ha. This much fun can't be legal. Chortle.
7.30 Eastenders. The residents of the East End turn out in force for the annual Cor Blimey festival. Anissa falls in love with James but will her family accept his wild Irish poet ways?
8.00 Fair City. The residents of Inner City Dublin turn out in force for the annual You Know Yourself Loike Mate Missus Keaveney festival.
8.30 How Long Will You Live? Self help gurus advise gullible slobs how to improve life expectancy. The one thing you can be sure of on this programme is that no one will advise you to go to church.
9.00 News. Everything that's happened since the last news programme an hour ago.
9.30 Flesh And Blood. Somebody called Carlo Gebbler rabbits on about his father. With contributions from Carlo Gebbler's mother Edna O'Brien, along with PJ Donleavy, and Alan A Hopkin. Wearisome promotion of liberal non entities by their friends at RTE.
10.15 Mistresses. The endless battle to debauch the nation continues. If you want religious programming you can jolly well video The Angelus, and watch it over and over. You vile evil repressed Catholics you. Don't you understand? You serve RTE. RTE does not serve you. You finance RTE. RTE does not finance you. Or answer to you in any way. Remember that. Remember it when you look up at the night sky. Sorry. Lost it there for a moment.
11.15 Medium. Yawn fest featuring one of the Arquette birds.
12.10 News. Read by Mary Tyler Marx.
12.15 Fatal Error. (Film, 1999.) Starring Janine Turner and Antonio Sabato. Directed by Armand Mastroianni. Armand Mastroianni's mother didn't even bother watching this film
1.50am Telly Bingo. RTE's trump card to send anyone to bed who actually stayed awake through Fatal Error.
2.00 Shortland Street. No mortal man has ever survived Telly Bingo long enough to find out whatever the hell this programme is.
2.25 Doctor Phil. Doctor Barn surely?
3.05 Doctors. A programme called Doctors following immediately on a programme called Doctor Phil. Apparently RTE has a fetish about the medical profession. Has anyone in RTE ever met a doctor? I've been encountering doctors off and on for forty years. I've never once met a quirky, witty, dynamic, caring, cute, interesting one like those which proliferate in ER, Scrubs, Mash, Marcus Welby, Trapper John, Doctor Phil or Doctors. Real medical practitioners are not that interesting at all actually. For the most part doctors are snobbish, overbearing, egotistical, overpaid, and over exposed. For God's sake bring back Mannix.
3.35 Blue Heelers. Small screen pornography built around a sensationalised version of my life. Truly, they had to use their imaginations. Arf, arf. Actually nothing to do with me at all. This programme is a mystery. Shown so far into the small hours of the morning that we can only guess what it's about. In effect Blue Heelers is the undiscovered country. A mystic bourne from whose realm no traveller returns. Either that or it's another bloody boring Australian soap opera about police dogs.
posted by heelers | 2:12 AM
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