our television listings

RTE1

(Ireland's national fraudcaster.)

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9.00 Now We Are Five. Sex education programme intended to dechristianise children. Presented by Russ Meyers.

9.30 I Love Lucy. Religious programme presented by atheistic Archbishop Diarmuid Martin.

10.00 I Dream Of Jeanie. Sitcom starring former Irish Fine Gael parliamentarian Alan Dukes and his secretary Snurdelicia. In today's episode Alan is asked to take over the corrupt banking shell Anglo Irish Bank by evil thieving gypsy bastard politicians from Fianna Fail who want to use him in order to gain cross party credibility for their plans to spend the Irish nation into the Third World overnight. Anglo Irish Bank has more losses than Citibank the largest American bank to fail in the recent debt crisis. In fact the full level of Anglo Irish Bank's losses is still being concealed from the public. Anglo Irish Bank is the most indebted bank on the planet earth. It may owe as much as one hundred thousand million dollars. It may owe more. Here is the news. Saving it will mean the end of Ireland as an independent nation. But in any case it was never even necessary to try and save it. It could, and should, have been let die. Anglo Irish Bank wasn't even in the top three banks in Ireland. It could have been let sink and most of us would never even have noticed it was gone. It could have been let fail and the only people who would have lost money were Anglo Irish Bank's corrupt coterie of investors, ie the Fianna Fail party. Instead the whole nation has been signed up to cover Fianna Fail's gambling losses. Will Alan be able to resist the lure of hundreds of thousands of dollars and a third pension? Will Snurdelicia be able to save the day? Will Fianna Fail and their gangster friends be sent en masse to jail? No, no, and no.

10.30 Murder She Wrote. Jessica discovers a plot to undermine the Catholic Church from within. Incensed she gives Archbishop Diarmuid Martin a root in the bawls and shoots up the Irish Times building.

11.00 Home And Away. Australian travelogue.

11.30 Coronation Street. British travelogue.

12.00 Dallas. American travelogue. In today's episode Jota Erre tries to regain custody of Juan Ross.

1.00 News. According to a shower of left wing atheists, it's the news. The real news is that RTE is an anti Catholic porn channel financed by compulsory taxation on the Catholic citizenry who are not themselves permitted to set up television stations to compete with it. The wheel is rigged but it's the only game in town.

2.00 Afternoon Show. Leg waxing extravaganza with RTE's pool of in house harridans.

5.00 Pop Charts. Porn show for teenagers intended to disrupt formative sexualities and smother any nascent spirituality that might be out there. It's such a privilege to be forced to finance this crudd.

6.00 The Angelus. Bell filled sop to believing Christians. But who will bell the liberal atheists of RTE?

7.00 Nationwide. More drivel than you could shake a stick at.

8.00 The Blah Blah Blah Documentary Hour. Featuring something pro Muslim, something anti American or something adulatorily abortionist, or perhaps all three.

9.00 The Rose Of Tralee. Venal, vapid and vomitous. Beauty contest won this year by a rather attractive girl with whom I have a vague acquaintance. Ah Miss Kambamettu. You're the psychologist for me. If only you would help me discover what I mean when I say Whoarrggggggggggh.

10.00 The Late Late Show. Experimental new chat show format where the presenter is an aborted foetus. Ryan Tubridy is believed to be the first aborted foetus anywhere on earth to present his own programme. He is on Irish national television solely because he is the son of a Fianna Fail political dynasty, known as The Andrews Family. Let me this way put it. The Andrews Family make the Gambinos look like paragons of probity. The Andrews Family make The Addams Family look like Quakers. The Andrews Family make the Brady Bunch look like parliamentary Statesmen. And so on. The Andrews family has been most famous, aside from parachuting its sons and daughters and cousins and clearning ladies, into television presenter jobs and seats in parliament, most famous I say, for advocating the establishment of Muslim television channels in Ireland. Hoo boy. Otiose Muslim apologist David Andrews once proclaimed: "The Irish need to learn what we owe to the religion of Islam." You couldn't make it up. Although strictly speaking David Andrews was making it up. Since the only thing Ireland owes to the religion of Islam is the establishment here of Muslim Al Qaeda terrorist crime gangs such as the Black Jackets who are currently to be seen pretending to work as sign holders advertising businesses on Grafton Street in Dublin. David Andrews as part of a decades long Fianna Fail governmental ascendancy has of course been to the fore in giving Irish citizenship to as many thug Muslims as possible so that Al Qaeda won't be starting from scratch when they finally attempt to take over here. David Andrews' pronouncements on the conflict between the Israelis and those Muslims styling themselves Palestinians who wish to destroy the State of Israel, have always been designed expressly to put Ireland on the wrong side of history. Namely he's spent the past two decades rooting for the Jihadis. Ho hum. Tonight's episode of the Late Late Show is something of a milestone. (Millstone surely? - Ed note.) Ryan Tubridy is the only aborted foetus to ever receive recognition as a human being from RTE which has spent thirty years militating for abortion culture in this country.

12.00 Closedown. If only they would close the bloody thing down.